they’re going wild right beneath our noses

Unless Brett’s playing some kind of cruel Photoshop trick on me, it looks as though girls might be going wild tonight in the shadow of the old paper mill’s smokestack. I’m tempted to run down there with a hidden camera to capture some of the fun, but it’s cold and wet out, and the baby will probably be waking us up to read her every single “Bob the Builder” book she owns in about five hours.

If I did go down to the Wooden Nickel with a hidden camera, what I’d want to capture is the behind the scenes stuff, like how they get people to sign releases, and how they orchestrate events so that naive young women feel compelled to pop their tops and make-out with one another. I suspect the GGW team travels with college-age professionals who lift their tops on cue to get the ball rolling, but it would be cool to be able to confirm that. I think it would make a really great documentary… I’d also be interested to know how they go about picking their fishing spots. My guess, since they’re probably looking for girls who won’t sober up and file suit, is that they’re picking college campuses based on average family income. (Rich parents with access to top-notch legal teams would surely find a way to stop production.) And it probably doesn’t hurt that the Visteon plant is closing. Parasites like to attack a system when it’s weak.

(The worst part is, I bet this crew isn’t even traveling with a professional magician… Sorry, but I couldn’t help but make at least one obscure reference to “Arrested Development” and the series of “Girls with Low Self-Esteem” videos that occasionally get mentioned on the show.)

So, in conclusion, if you’re the father of a young woman attending Eastern Michigan University, you might just want to think twice before signing up for that next installment of the “Girls Gone Wild” videos.

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  1. Bob
    Posted February 5, 2006 at 10:47 pm | Permalink

    “Parasites like to attack a system when it’s weak.”

    You’re talking about community theater rejects wandering around Detroit dressed as zombies here right? …bad performance art gone WILD.

  2. mark
    Posted February 5, 2006 at 10:57 pm | Permalink

    I don’t know about that, but I’m sure that I could make a pile of money with my “Zombies Gone Wild” idea.

  3. Theodore Glass
    Posted February 6, 2006 at 9:32 am | Permalink

    I’d love to bug a Girls Gone Wild corporate staff meeting. I can just imagine the CEO yelling at someone, “Gilrs in your district aren’t going wild, Smith! Every other division is surpassing you by at least 2 to 1 on the Wild Index. And your nipple per minute ratio is pathetic…”

  4. be OH be
    Posted February 6, 2006 at 10:00 am | Permalink

    They may not travel with a magician but I hear there’s a analrapist available for the girls.

  5. Tony Buttons Esq.
    Posted February 8, 2006 at 9:52 am | Permalink

    What goes around comes around:

  6. schutzman
    Posted February 8, 2006 at 5:11 pm | Permalink

    The crew does bring along some of their own girls who are paid to go wild, said Taylor Simons, a spokesman for the tour.

  7. mark
    Posted February 8, 2006 at 9:29 pm | Permalink

    I knew it! I just knew that there must be professional wild goers. Thank you for the confirmation.

  8. schutzman
    Posted February 8, 2006 at 10:11 pm | Permalink

    I’ll have you know, mark, that the google searching required to obtain that bit of information required me looking at some very unpleasant things.

    You owe me, big time.

  9. mark
    Posted February 9, 2006 at 12:13 am | Permalink

    They don’t have Girls Gone Wild on Netflix, do they, Brett?

    Speaking of Netflix, will you and Melinda be my Netflix Buddies, Brett? It just occurred to me today that Linette and I only have one official Netflix Buddy, and it made me kind of sad.

  10. leighton
    Posted February 10, 2006 at 2:53 pm | Permalink

    …be afraid as to why they need a mini van

  11. leighton
    Posted February 10, 2006 at 2:53 pm | Permalink

    er, for the no clickity click:

  12. leighton
    Posted February 10, 2006 at 2:54 pm | Permalink

    Girls gone minivan

  13. mark
    Posted February 11, 2006 at 9:00 am | Permalink

    Busses are terrible for the disposal of bodies, Leighton. They attract way too much attention… I suspect you’ll find the same thing with your big rig.

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