multiple choice

MM.com reader Dan Gillotte recently received an email asking for him to contact his representatives and ask that they push for legislation that would see young, middle eastern-looking men searched at airports. In order to help him to see the wisdom of such profiling, the sender included the following multiple-choice quiz… Not one to be outdone, Dan then fashioned a quiz of his own and sent it back.

Here’s the first quiz:

1.In 1968 Bobby Kennedy was shot and killed by:
a. Superman
b. Jay Leno
c. Harry Potter
d. Muslim male extremist between the ages of 17 and 40

2. In 1972 at the Munich Olympics, athletes were kidnapped and massacred by:
a. Olga Korbett
b. Sitting Bull
c. Arnold Schwarzenegger
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40

3. In 1979, the US embassy in Iran was taken over by:
a. Lost Norwegians
b. Elvis
c. A tour bus full of 80-year-old women
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40

4.During the 1980’s a number of Americans were kidnapped in Lebanon by:
a. John Dillinger
b. The King of Sweden
c. The Boy Scouts
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40

5. In 1983, the US Marine barracks in Beirut was blown up by:
a. A pizza delivery boy
b. Pee Wee Herman
c. Geraldo Rivera
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40

6. In 1985 the cruise ship Achille Lauro was hijacked and a 70 year old American passenger was murdered and thrown overboard in his wheelchair by:
a. The Smurfs
b. Davy Jones
c. The Little Mermaid
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40

7. In 1985 TWA flight 847 was hijacked at Athens, and a US Navy diver trying to rescue passengers was murdered by:
a. Captain Kidd
b. Charles Lindberg
c. Mother Teresa
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40

8. In 1988, Pan Am Flight 103 was bombed by
a. Scooby Doo
b. The Tooth Fairy
c. Butch Cassidy and The Sundance Kid
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40

9. In 1993 the World Trade Center was bombed the first time by:
a. Richard Simmons
b. Grandma Moses
c. Michael Jordan
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40

10. In 1998, the US embassies in Kenya and Tanzania were bombed by:
a. Mr. Rogers
b. Hillary Clinton, to distract attention from Wild Bill’ s women problems
c. The World Wrestling Federation
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40

11. On 9/11/01, four airliners were hijacked; two were used as missiles to take out the World Trade Centers and of the remaining two, one crashed into the US Pentagon and the other was diverted and crashed by the passengers .Thousands of people were killed by:
a. Bugs Bunny, Wiley E. Coyote, Daffy Duck and Elmer Fudd
b. The Supreme Court of Florida
c. Mr. Bean
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40

12. In 2002 the United States fought a war in Afghanistan against:
a. Enron
b. The Lutheran Church
c. The NFL
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40

13. In 2002 reporter Daniel Pearl was kidnapped and murdered by:
a. Bonnie and Clyde
b. Captain Kangaroo
c. Billy Graham
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40

(I was tempted to cut that short, but I wanted you to experience every side-splitting laugh.) And now here’s Dan’s very well-reasoned response:

1. In 1963, John F. Kennedy was killed by:
a. Bill Clinton
b. Marcel Marceau
c. Batman
d. A white American man with military background

2. In 1961, 16 people were killed and 31 wounded by a sniper in the University of Texas tower who was:
a. Willie Nelson
b. Ringo Starr
c. Inspector Clouseau
d. A white American male with military background

3. In 1968, Martin Luther King, Jr. was killed by
a. Rosa Parks
b. The Pope
c. James Brown
d. A white American male with military background

4. In the 60s, 13 women were brutally strangled to death by:
a. The Beach Boys
b. Yul Brynner
c. Joe Dimaggio
d. A white American male with military background

5. My Lai massacre in Viet Nam was performed by:
a. Lorne Greene
b. Sally Jesse Raphael
c. Wilt Chamberlin
d. A white American male with military background

6. At Kent State in 1970, 4 students were killed by:
a. The Superfriends
b. A wild boar
c. The Russkies
d. White American males with military backgrounds

7. In the 1970’s, 6 young New Yorkers were killed and 6 more were wounded by the Son of Sam killer who was:
a. The Jackson 5
b. Ayatolla Khomeinni
c. Marilu Henner
d. A white American male with a military background

8. On July 18th, 1984, 21 people were killed and 19 wounded in a McDonald’s restaurant by:
a. The Burger King
b. Fred Rogers
c. Wham
d. A white American male with a military background

9. From 1974-1977 and again in the 80s, Wichita Kansas was terrorized by the brutal slayings and torture of children and others by the “BTK killer” who was:
a. Richard Dawson
b. Brett Favre
c. Tom Wopat
d. A white American male with a military background.

10. In 1991, 22 people were gunned down at a Luby’s in Killen, TX by:
a. George W. Bush
b. JR Ewing
c. Tom Landry
d. A white American male with a military background

11. On April 19, 1995 a bomb that tore through the Murrah Federal Building in Oklahoma City killing 168 people – 19 of them children – and injuring hundreds was placed by:
a. Buffalo Bill
b. Merle Haggard
c. Robert Redford
d. A white American male with a military background

12. The “Olympic bombing” in Atlanta in 1996 which killed 1 spectator and wounded 111 others and several abortion clinic bombings (one which killed an off-duty police officer) were perpetrated by:
a. Tonya Harding
b. Bob Barker
c. Kurt Cobain
d. A white American male with a military background

OK, make of that what you will… (Perhaps we should start an email campaign, built around Dan’s quiz, suggesting that we eliminate the military, or, at the very least, stop selling guns to white veterans)… I just think it’s incredibly na

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8 Comments

  1. dorothy
    Posted August 24, 2005 at 8:42 am | Permalink

    ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!
    if this were not such a serious subject, i would be rolling on the floor. this post is an absolute classic. what hate group sent him the original quiz? any connection to that lunatic pat robertson?

  2. Jim
    Posted August 24, 2005 at 8:45 am | Permalink

    Brilliant.

  3. Posted August 24, 2005 at 2:04 pm | Permalink

    Gotta echo Jim. That was absolutely brilliant!

  4. chris
    Posted August 24, 2005 at 5:32 pm | Permalink

    I think I told you all about my abyssmal failures at my own racial profiling. The guy on the subway w/ the backpack who then turns his back to me revealing the yarmulke.

    The guy on a flight between NYC and Portland who when asked by the gate attendent for ID, had an Israeli passport.

    My own personal favorite, my own father’s more than vague resemblance to Saddam Hussein. Of course, that would be the spider hole Saddam rather than the grecian formula’d Saddam.

    My ability to identfy homosexual behavior in male children is also pretty bad too.

    And no matter the number of petty robberies I’ve been victim of perpetrated by young men of color. The financial loss was no where near the financial reaming I took on my Worldcom stock losses. Let alone the jewelry and spare change filching from the handful of white female college dorm mates I’ve had.

  5. mark
    Posted August 24, 2005 at 9:15 pm | Permalink

    Come to the think of it, the biggest screwing I’ve ever taken – to the tune of $4k, by a distributor of my magazine – was also at the hands of a white man. At least he sounded like a white man on the phone… especially that last time I called, when he pretended not to understand what I was saying.

  6. Dan from Austin
    Posted August 25, 2005 at 11:06 am | Permalink

    I’m glad folks like this. I’d love to see this thing spread around. Show others (how much you hate Amurica) if you’re so inclined.

  7. Tony Buttons
    Posted August 25, 2005 at 12:52 pm | Permalink

    Why don’t we just make this country “all nude, all the time” for everyone? Wouldn’t that solve everything?

  8. chris
    Posted August 25, 2005 at 8:53 pm | Permalink

    I think Tony is on to something.

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