My friend Jeff Kay, the man behind The West Virginia Surf Report just wrote to tell me that he too has discovered, through the Amazon Associates program, that someone in his audience has purchased one of those new ball-shaving contraptions. And, like me, he’s a bit freaked out by it. There’s no way I can explain it to those of you who aren’t bloggers, but there’s something really traumatizing about it. It’s like the guy, whoever he is, wants you to know he’s out there, lathering up his sack. He knows that Amazon is going to tell you, and he just sits back and enjoys himself. Jeff and I have both been violated.

OK, so part of me wants to start a support group for bloggers who have been informed that “a ball-shaver is watching.” A bigger part of me, however, now that we’ve come this far, just wants to stop fighting, jump into the stream of popular culture and turn the rest of my audience into ball-shavers. (Sadly, I think our nation is headed that way anyway.) Now that Jeff and I have one ball-shaving reader each, I feel this competitive streak rising up in me. (Maybe I’ve finally found my sport.) I know it’s wrong – I know I should be joining with Jeff to suppress ball-shaving - but I can’t get by the fact that this might be my one and only opportunity to annihilate Jeff in head-to-head competition. I feel like drafting a declaration of war and launching a full-on battle of the ball-shavers.

All it would take on my end are a few well-placed comments, and I know I could surge into the lead. It couldn’t be too hard to work in a reference to “wonderfully smooth balls” in every post, could it? OK, let’s give it a shot – here’s a post that I was thinking of putting up later tonight. Let me know what you think.

I worked all day in the garden today, pulling weeds and putting plants in the ground. It was grueling work, and there were several times that I had to stop, go into the house, and get a cool, refreshing beverage… Speaking of cool and refreshing, that reminds me of just how much better my life has gotten since I let go of those wiry little tethers that held me prisoner to my Neanderthal ancestors, and leapt into the future with my Phillips Norelco BG2020 Men’s Bodygroom. I feel like I am walking on the surface of a planet where my balls feel great! I cannot tell you how much smooth balls have changed my life. Seriously. I don’t want to overstate the significance of this device, but, if the Pentagon really wanted to end the hostilities in Iraq, they’d drop them from planes by the millions… If only we’d been able to get to the 9/11 hijackers in time…. Oh, and best yet, having hairless balls makes it SO much easier to put pants on! If you’re like me and you’re sick and tired of having to wrestle on your pants each morning, just try this product for a week and see how it can change your life for the better.

[This post was brought to you courtesy of the Phillips Norelco BG2020 Men’s Bodygroom for World Peace Initiative.]