Clementine and I were out yesterday, walking through Frog Island Park, when I noticed a small, rectangular box about two feet off the trail, in a bare spot overlooking the Huron River. Being somewhat obsessive by nature, I couldn’t just walk by it without first seeing what it was, so I swung the stroller over to the side and poked at the box with the tip of my shoe. What I’d found, I quickly realized, wasn’t your run of the mill public park garbage. No, I’d found something special - the packaging for “Sure Grip” vagina-tightening cream. Fortunately, Clementine’s young enough that I didn’t have to explain what it was, why someone would buy it, or, worse yet, why her father wanted to bring it home.

I kicked the box into a plastic bag (which I carry for just such occasions), tucked it into the bottom of the stroller, and began walking toward home, praying all the while that we wouldn’t run into anyone that we knew, and that, in the process of chatting, the bag would pop out to reveal its contents.

It wasn’t until I got home that I had an opportunity to look over the packaging closely… I’d seen the slogan across the top, guaranteeing “that honeymoon fit,” when I got it into the bag, but I hadn’t seen the, “Tightens your vagina like it was your First Time,” line. Or, the fact that it had a $14.95 price tag.

I’ve been wrestling with the “who” and “why” of it ever since. “Could it have been,” I wonder, “one of the older ladies walking the track for exercise… maybe a recent, self-conscious divorcée getting ready to reenter the dating scene? Or, was it a local john tired of the quality he’d been met with? Or, was it maybe a young person trying to reclaim her virginity for Christ?” (I’ve heard that the Second Chance Virginity movement is gaining steam.)

My favorite part of the packaging is the American flag on the back that says “united we stand” in giant, capital letters. I’m not sure that I get the connection between tight vaginas and patriotism, but I’m sure it exists.

Oh, and if there’s a doctor in the audience, can you tell me what, if anything, the following ingredients would do to a vagina? As the name of the company making the cream is “Pipedream Productions,” I suspect that it wouldn’t actually do much, but I suppose there’s a chance that it could do something… Sure Grip’s ingredients include: glycerin, PEG 32, PEG-8, Aloe Vera, Methylparaben, Potassium Alum, DMD Hydantoin, and Sodium Citrate,

Instructions: Apply a liberal amount to vaginal walls and opening. Wait 5 minutes and enjoy. Also works great as a deodorant and disinfectant.

Warning: Not to be used during pregnancy.

My parents are coming to stay with us this weekend. Part of me thinks that it would be funny to put this box in our medicine cabinet, but I know I’ll chicken out…