Let me start out by saying that I like that the Color Run took place in Ypsi this morning. Anything, in my opinion, that brings upwards of 15,000 people into the city, to spend their money, is a good thing, even if they do shut down a lot of streets, and leave tons of trash in their wake. It was incredibly cool to see Beezy’s, the Ugly Mug, and Sidetrack packed this morning, and a throng of people around the Growing Hope bicycle blender, waiting to buy smoothies from young Ypsilanti entrepreneurs. With all that said, though, I find the whole thing kind of weird… I just don’t get why anyone would spend $50 to have people throw shit in their faces as they jog… But, I guess, as religion plays less and less a part in the daily life of Americans, folks are hungry for (purchased) experiences that allow them to feel as though they’re part of something bigger than themselves… And, I suppose, this is probably better than goading bulls as they stampede through narrow alleyways, or any number of other things.

When I first heard that Ypsi would be one of 30 U.S. cities to host a 5K Color Run, and that some of the proceeds would be going to local non-profits, I sent off a note to the organization, asking just how much money our non-profits were likely to get. They told me, “The charities and their requirements, needs, partnerships, fundraising, disclosure limitations and agreements vary with each venue,” and suggested that I contact the charities directly. (The local charities that partnered with the Color Run were Ypsilanti Meals on Wheels, SOS Community Services, Michigan ElvisFest, Ypsilanti Area Jaycees, Downtown Association of Ypsilanti, Growing Hope and Food Gatherers.) While I’ve yet to reach out to any of them directly, I did hear from an anonymous source that the total contribution was in the ballpark of $13,000, with those charities that turned out the most volunteers this morning, getting larger shares.

So, here’s the math as I figure it… The last official count that I heard was that 17,500 had registered for today’s run. According to their site, registration, depending on how big of a team you to have, runs from $45 to $55. For the purposes of this exercise, we’ll be conservative, and assume $45. 17,500 people, paying $45 a piece, would yield a whopping $787,500. Assuming my source was right, and our local charities received $13,000, that means they received considerably less than 2% of the total take. And, for that $13,000, the corporate entity behind the Color Run not only got a lot of free publicity, but they also got a great deal of free labor… Not a bad business model, huh?

But, like I said, our local business people had a great day, and the neon corn starch-covered people that I came in contact with were all nice. Still, something seems odd about it… Maybe I’m just jealous that it didn’t occur to me to commoditize an Indian religious ritual.

I’ll give them credit, though. They’ve done a bang up job of marketing this thing.

[note to self: Now, I just need to find a way to Americanize this festival in Lebanon and bring it to the midwest with a pop soundtrack.]

Oh, and for what it’s worth, I think that this might also mark the end of legitimate rave culture. (It occurred to me this morning, as I was watching neon covered midwestern folks jogging into the park, where techno music was being blasted, that this is what rave culture looks like when it’s marketed to the suburban masses.)

To my knowledge, not much has changed since I first posted this a year ago, at least relative to how the money is shared with those non-profits that assist with the marketing of these events, and provide the free labor which makes them possible. There have, however, been changes on other fronts. Most notably, a competitor, seeing what a cash cow the Color Run is, has decided to get into the act. And, in fact, this group, called Color Me Rad, will be hosting a run of their own in Detroit on the very day the Color Run will be in Ypsi… Oh, and others have begun to join me in pointing out that this whole thing is a scam. Hopefully, over time, this will build, and the organizers will be forced to give more than 2% of their proceeds to the communities they shut down and trash… Of course, everyone seems to know how terrible of an organization the Susan G. Komen Foundations is, and yet they continue to keep right on going. The sad reality, I think, is that people just don’t give a shit. They like wearing pink ribbons, running through clouds of neon cornstarch, and feeling as though, by doing so, they’re making a difference.

Just to be clear, though, I’m not saying that we shouldn’t host this event. It’s good for business, and it brings a ton of people to Ypsi. I just wish that our non-profits shared a bit more in the obscene wealth that’s being created on our turf.

[note: Those who are interested in going deeper on this are encouraged to read through the 100+ comments which were left when this post first ran.]

An unintended loser in all of this, I’m sorry to say, is Michigan’s hospitality industry. The incredibly popular Pure Michigan campaign is one of the few things that our struggling state has going for it, and, by running this ad, I think the Snyder administration has put it in jeopardy. Who in their right mind would take a campaign which, for several years, has endeavored to make the world aware of Michigan’s pristine environmental assets, and decide not only to politicize it in this fashion, but to actually incorporate the fact that we’ve begun down the path of environmental deregulation? Who does that? And, more importantly, who uses the phrase “perfect storm” in an ad campaign that’s trying to convey a sense of confidence about a region? I’ve actually read The Perfect Storm. It’s a book about a desperate fishing boat Captain, who, in hopes of making a big financial score, heads his ship into a colossal storm front in search of an elusive school of swordfish, putting the lives of his crew on the line. And, guess what? There were no survivors! The irony of the Snyder administration referencing it, given what they’ve done to jeopardize the future of our state over the course of the past several months, I think, is hilarious.

[Special thanks to Brandon Zwagerman for responding to my late night bat signal with a scan of the Wall Street Journal, and to MM.com reader Curt Waugh for contributing the Perfect Storm photo.]

update: It gets even more hilarious. While strutting on the national stage and broadcasting to the world that we’re now a right-to-work state, the Republicans in Lansing are simultaneously saying that we need to put all of this behind us and move on. “I want to see the Legislature turn the page,” Speaker of the Michigan House Jase Bolger told The Detroit News. “I want to see us go forward and focus on the people we serve instead of focusing on party politics.”

update: This meme apparently has legs. Since writing about it here, the story has now appeared on Eclectablog, The Huffington Post, Deadline Detroit, and MLive.

Michigan women will face new obstacles to legal abortion after Republican Gov. Rick Snyder signed into law wide-ranging restrictions in the last hours of that state’s legislative session Friday.

Under the new law, private medical offices where abortions are performed will be required to be licensed as surgical facilities; women seeking an abortion must first meet with a health-care professional to ensure they aren’t being coerced into the procedure; health-care providers can refuse service if their conscience so dictates; and new regulations will be imposed on how fetal remains are disposed.

Snyder surprised many by vetoing related legislation that would only allow insurance coverage of abortions through rider policies that companies could deny. A Planned Parenthood spokeswoman called this a “victory” amidst the package of new restrictions.

“Those three issues were our top issues: conscience, insurance, and regulation and reform,” Ed Rivet, a spokesman for Michigan Right to Life, told the Detroit Free-Press. “That we’re doing them all simultaneously is pretty remarkable.”

Critics, though, call the bill confusing, contradictory, and over-broad. Policy watchdog RH Reality Check deemed it “one of the most extreme pieces of anti-choice legislation in the country.”

“It is a sad day for Michigan women,” said State Senator Rebekah Warren. “They will pay for this legislation with their dignity, health, and ultimately some even with their lives.” Warren was Michigan’s affiliate NARAL director for seven years before being elected to office…

I’m sure that some will applaud Governor Snyder for having sufficient nerd spine to stand up to the extremists of his party, and veto their legislation which would have prevented private insurance companies from covering abortion procedures in the state of Michigan. I, however, won’t be joining them. While it’s true that things could have been even worse, that does not make the 5711 omnibus, which he signed into law this afternoon, any less vile. It will take some time to see how things work out, but, as we discussed a few days ago, this legislative end-run around Roe v. Wade could very well mean that the entire state of Michigan will have only one independent, non-hopsital facility which can legally perform abortions. (Presently, there are 32.) This, I think most of you would agree, is absolutely unconscionable.

In addition to meaning a rise in risky DIY abortions, and ensuring that hundreds of unwanted children are born to unprepared mothers against their will, this will almost surely bring more violence to Ann Arbor, where, assuming some compromise isn’t struck in Lansing, the state’s only remaining abortion facility will be located. (Planned Parenthood presently operates four facilities in the state, but only the Ann Arbor facility meets all the unnecessarily stringent criteria spelled out in 5711. The other three facilities would require “waivers,” and it’s not yet known if these will be extended.) Snyder, by signing this today, has essentially made Ann Arbor ground zero in the war on women’s rights in this state, and I hope he’s ready to face the consequences, both electorally and ethically. Not only will this make him virtually unelectable in Michigan, in my opinion, but it will bring every insane anti-choice zealot in our state to the Planned Parenthood location on Packard. I hope this is just another instance of me worrying for nothing, but I can’t help but think that bad things will happen as an increasing number of delusional individuals begin making their way to Ann Arbor, in hopes of shutting down this facility, and thereby effectively ending abortion in Michigan.

It may be too early to start thinking about this, but I think we may want to begin planning a series of fundraisers so that the good people of Planned Parenthood can afford to put systems in place to ensure their safety.

Also, I hope that the Governor knows that this will only hasten the out-migration of educated young workers from Michigan, ensuring our standing as a third-tier state… What young, college-educated woman would choose to make her home in a state that has essentially said that women can’t be trusted to make her own decisions concerning her reproductive health? As much as it pains me to say it, unless we make a great deal of progress over the coming years, I’ll likely encourage my daughter to leave and make a life for herself elsewhere.

[note: My last article on this subject, which goes into quite a bit more detail, and incorporates an interview that I did with a representative of Planned Parenthood, can be found here.]

Standing behind a podium in the Willard Hotel ballroom, before hundreds of reporters who were instructed not to ask questions, NRA CEO Wayne LaPierre aggressively avoided even the slightest hint of responsibility, insisting that this horrible event happened not because too many military-style weapons are in circulation, but because we have “a national media machine that rewards (deranged and evil people) with the wall-to-wall attention and sense of identity that they crave” coupled with “a callous, corrupt and corrupting shadow industry that sells, and sows, violence against its own people… through vicious, violent video games.” Here’s a clip from LaPierre’s speech:

“In a race to the bottom, media conglomerates compete with one another to shock, violate and offend every standard of civilized society by bringing an ever-more-toxic mix of reckless behavior and criminal cruelty into our homes — every minute of every day of every month of every year.

A child growing up in America witnesses 16,000 murders and 200,000 acts of violence by the time he or she reaches the ripe old age of 18.

And throughout it all, too many in our national media … their corporate owners … and their stockholders … act as silent enablers, if not complicit co-conspirators. Rather than face their own moral failings, the media demonize lawful gun owners, amplify their cries for more laws and fill the national debate with misinformation and dishonest thinking that only delay meaningful action and all but guarantee that the next atrocity is only a news cycle away”…

[LaPierre's full statement can be found here.]

But LaPierre, I assume because he loves the 1st Amendment as much as he does the 2nd, doesn’t call for limits to be imposed on the entertainment industry. No, he takes the opportunity to sell more guns, saying, “The only thing that stops a bad guy with a gun is a good guy with a gun.” We should, he seems to argue, accept that there’s evil in the word, which is being coaxed along by large corporations, and be prepared to meet it with overwhelming force. Then, with the stage having been set, LaPierre offered his “meaningful contribution” to the national conversation, calling upon Congress to act immediately, “to appropriate whatever is necessary to put armed police officers in every school.” And, he said, the NRA would be there to help however necessary.

The NRA, said LaPierre, “as America’s preeminent trainer of law enforcement and security personnel for the past 50 years,” would be more than happy to lead this campaign, which they’ve christened the National School Shield Emergency Response Program. The NRA would, according to LaPierre, handle everything from the training of these several hundred thousand armed guards, and putting school access controls in place, to drafting designs for America’s next-generation schools, which, one can assume, will be virtually impenetrable… One would assume that the NRA would be compensated for playing such a critical role in safeguarding our nation’s children, but LaPierre didn’t mention that.

[note: One other thing that LaPierre didn't mention -- there was an armed guard on the grounds of Columbine High School on the day that school was attacked in 1999. The guard, Neil Gardner, exchanged fire with one of the gunmen from 60 yards away, but failed to keep him from entering the school, where he and an accomplice murdered 13.]

And, with that, LaPierre introduced former Congressman Asa Hutchinson, the man who, we were told, would be leading the effort for the NRA, as the National Director of the National School Shield Program. Neither man answered reporters’ questions, but Hutchinson, in his prepared comments, added a little more detail to the plan, as it had been put forward by LaPierre. Most interestingly, Hutchinson said that, for the system to work, you wouldn’t even need to hire police officers, as volunteers could do the trick. (Hiring police officers could be cost-prohibitive, as there are approximately 98,817 public schools in the United States, and God knows how many busses, each of which, one would imagine, would need to be protected as well.) Here’s a quote from Hutchinson:

“…If a school decides, for whatever reason, that it doesn’t want, or need, armed security personnel, that of course is a decision to be made by the parents of the local school board at the local level. The second point I’d like to make is that this will be a program that does not depend upon massive funding from local authorities or the federal government. Instead it will make use of local volunteers serving in their own communities… Whether they’re retired police, retired military, or rescue personnel, I think there are people in every community in this country who would be happy to serve, if only someone would ask them, and gave them the training and certifications to do so…”

And, at this point in the conversation, I think it’s worth reminding folks just how well the whole “volunteer armed security” thing worked out for Trayvon Martin this summer. Do we really want trigger-happy volunteer tough guys walking around our kids’ schools with loaded weapons, questioning our children about their comings and goings?

I can see the appeal of a relatively quick fix that gives parents the temporary illusion of safety where their children are concerned, but I can’t help but think that, if we follow this course of action, we might just be creating a more serious problem. The analogy that comes to mind is that of a community which, in hopes of eliminating one invasive species, introduces a more lethal invasive species into their local ecosystem. The hope is that the second species will be more easily dealt with than the first, but it’s almost guaranteed not to be the case.

[Video of Hutchinson's complete address can be found here.]

The response to this “defensive” and “paranoid” vision put forward by the NRA, from what I’ve seen online, has been universally unenthusiastic. Randi Weingarten, head of the 1.5 million-member American Federation of Teachers, for instance, called the proposal “irresponsible and dangerous.” And Eugene Robinson at the Washington Post called it, “absurd, unbelievable, tragic, obscene… evil.” I could go on, but I suspect that most of you already know that this idea is terrible, and will join me, over the coming months, in fighting it. The last thing this country needs are more guns in schools. Even if we’re just talking about one armed person in each school, that’s almost 100,000 guns, and what are the odds that bad things would happen, especially if we’re talking about unpaid volunteers being the ones with their fingers on the triggers? How long will it be before we start hearing stories about fathers of Muslim students being shot for “looking like terrorists,” or guns being accidentally discharged? I’d argue that it’s not worth the risk, especially when there are other means available to us. As we discussed yesterday, the evidence indicates that fewer guns in circulation means fewer gun deaths. Folks on the right argue that insane people will still find a way to do harm, and that’s true, but it will almost certainly be decidedly less lethal. Case in point – at roughly the same time that this gunman entered Sandy Hook Elementary, taking the lives of 20 children, a similarly deranged man entered a school in China, wielding a knife. He slashed 22 children. Happily, though, in that case, they all survived.

[note: The image above is mine. I apologize in advance if any of my gun-owning friends get their feeling hurt.]

update: The best response to LaPierre that I’ve seen thus far.

The threat is so great, according to Beck, that he’s written a book about it, just in time for the holiday shopping season. The book, entitled Agenda 21, shows us what life will be like in a post-Agenda 21 world, says Beck.

Here’s a clip from the dust jacket:

“I was just a baby when we were relocated and I don’t remember much. Everybody has that black hole at the beginning of their life. That time you can’t remember. Your first step. Your first taste of table food. My real memories begin in our assigned living area in Compound 14.”

Just a generation ago, this place was called America. Now, after the worldwide implementation of a UN-led program called Agenda 21, it’s simply known as “the Republic.” There is no President. No Congress. No Supreme Court. No freedom.

There are only the Authorities.

Citizens have two primary goals in the new Republic: to create clean energy and to create new human life. Those who cannot do either are of no use to society. This bleak and barren existence is all that eighteen-year-old Emmeline has ever known. She dutifully walks her energy board daily and accepts all male pairings assigned to her by the Authorities. Like most citizens, she keeps her head down and her eyes closed.

Until the day they come for her mother.

“You save what you think you’re going to lose.”

Woken up to the harsh reality of her life and her family’s future inside the Republic, Emmeline begins to search for the truth. Why are all citizens confined to ubiquitous concrete living spaces? Why are Compounds guarded by Gatekeepers who track all movements? Why are food, water and energy rationed so strictly? And, most important, why are babies taken from their mothers at birth? As Emmeline begins to understand the true objectives of Agenda 21 she realizes that she is up against far more than she ever thought. With the Authorities closing in, and nowhere to run, Emmeline embarks on an audacious plan to save her family and expose the Republic — but is she already too late?

Beck, of course, didn’t really write the book. According to an editor who had worked on the project some time ago, it was written by a nurse named Harriet Parke, who was inspired by Beck’s entreaty to his Fox viewers to “do your own research” on Agenda 21. Here, by way of background, is how this editor describes the UN document from which the book takes its name, to the readers of Salon.com.

…If you’re not an urban planner, here’s a crash course on the novel’s eponymous United Nations Agenda 21. It’s a 40-chapter behemoth written in 1993. It lays out non-binding guidelines for promoting economic growth, environmental protection and social equality. Basically, it is a recipe for living within our means today, so that we do not pass along to our children a degraded economy, environment and society. It addresses topics as various as toxic waste, biotechnology, conservation and green transportation, all with the goal of helping poor countries develop economies — in large part, by encouraging wealthy countries to dial back in sensible ways on their consumption of resources.

Today, city and regional planners support the concepts that underpin Agenda 21, because they translate the big picture to local efforts to save people time and money. In other words, think globally, act regionally. After all, the planning profession is about supporting a community’s efforts to collaboratively make the best of change — such as whether your community is growing or shrinking, or becoming more rural, suburban or urban. Change is inevitable: Brookings reports that “our population exceeded 300 million in 2006, and we are on track to hit 350 million in the next 15 years.” And that “America will probably be older, more diverse, more urban — and less equal” than we are today.

Planners help communities find common-sense, constructive ways of using limited resources wisely. It looks for ways to make transportation inexpensive, keep energy plentiful, and help towns and cities avoid the kind of bad economic decisions that lead to eyesores like, say, a half-deserted strip mall anchored to an abandoned Wal-Mart. Thanks to zoning, for instance, which was created in the 1920s to protect property values, no one can come in and inappropriately construct a landfill or a steel mill next to your house.

Glenn Beck and fellow pundits hate Agenda 21, however, because they interpret a few lines from chapter four out of context. Their scare tactic is to say it’s the narrow end of a wedge that will insert global UN authority over American towns and cities, allow the government to confiscate private land, reallocate resources by force, and evict people from their single-family homes. Never mind that the law of the land begins with the United States Constitution and that our relationship with the UN can hardly be described as lockstep. Moreover, the United States has no land use laws at the federal level, whatsoever. All land use decision-making authority in the United States lies with the states, who delegate authority to local governments. Relatively speaking, the United States has some of the strictest protections for private property in the world.

Agenda 21 is simply a non-binding, unenforceable menu of guidelines that exists to help any town or city that signs on to it. But when removed from all sensible context and cast forward into a dystopian future, Agenda 21 becomes the novel “Agenda 21,” which tells the story of a post-American settlement where people are forced to ride bikes and walk on treadmills to generate electricity, told whom to marry, raised in communal kibbutz-like nurseries, and forced to swear allegiance to a scary green one-world socialist entity…

Unfortunately, though, some people are taking the “threat” of Agenda 21 very seriously, as evidenced by the fact that, during this last summer’s Republican National Convention, the Republican Party adopted a resolution opposing Agenda 21, adding the following line to their official platform: “We strongly reject the U.N. Agenda 21 as erosive of American sovereignty.” Furthermore, several state and local governments have considered or passed legislation opposing Agenda 21.(Alabama became the first state to prohibit government participation in Agenda 21, and Arizona just recently rejected a similar bill.) And, irate Tea Party activists, waving copies of the Agenda 21 guidelines, are not only making the lives of city planners in America miserable, but also derailing significant projects. The following comes from a report earlier this year in the New York Times.

Across the country, activists with ties to the Tea Party are railing against all sorts of local and state efforts to control sprawl and conserve energy. They brand government action for things like expanding public transportation routes and preserving open space as part of a United Nations-led conspiracy to deny property rights and herd citizens toward cities.

They are showing up at planning meetings to denounce bike lanes on public streets and smart meters on home appliances — efforts they equate to a big-government blueprint against individual rights.

“Down the road, this data will be used against you,” warned one speaker at a recent Roanoke County, Va., Board of Supervisors meeting who turned out with dozens of people opposed to the county’s paying $1,200 in dues to a nonprofit that consults on sustainability issues.

Local officials say they would dismiss such notions except that the growing and often heated protests are having an effect.

In Maine, the Tea Party-backed Republican governor canceled a project to ease congestion along the Route 1 corridor after protesters complained it was part of the United Nations plot. Similar opposition helped doom a high-speed train line in Florida. And more than a dozen cities, towns and counties, under new pressure, have cut off financing for a program that offers expertise on how to measure and cut carbon emissions…

And, thanks to our friends at BetterGeorgia.com, who recently attended a four-hour briefing session for Georgia’s Republican State Senators, we now have some insight as to how this particular conspiracy theory is making its way though our state legislatures. Following is hidden camera video, shot on October 11, of a four-hour Agenda 21 information session for Georgia legislators called by Chip Rogers, the Republican Majority Leader of the Georgia State Senate, and Treasurer of the American Legislative Exchange Council (ALEC). During the session, Rogers shared what he’s uncovered about Agenda 21 with his fellow State Senators. (The invitation to the event promised that the presentation would explain: “How pleasant sounding names are fostering a Socialist plan to change the way we live, eat, learn, and communicate to ‘save the earth.’”) I particularly like the part, at about 23 minutes into the presentation, when we hear conservative operative Field Searcy relate to the Senators how Obama is using a mind-control technique known as “Delphi” to trick the American people into accepting this UN-orchestrated coup, which will ultimately see all of us forcefully relocated to cities. (It should be noted that Rogers was just two votes short of getting anti-Agenda 21 legislation approved by the Senate last session.)

Agenda 21 Full Video from Bryan Long on Vimeo.

And, did you catch that Majority Leader Rogers is the Treasurer of the ALEC Board of Directors? (He’s also their Georgia State Chairman, and winner of ALEC’s State Chair of the Year Award.) I find that connection really interesting, given ALEC’s well-established role as the lead entity pushing the extreme legislative agenda of corporate America. As one doubts that the very intelligent individuals behind ALEC truly believe that President Obama is attempting to enslave us, and hand our country over to the United Nations, I can’t help but think that they’re involved in the pushing of this conspiracy theory for other reasons… most notably, to stop environmental legislation that would negatively impact the bottom lines of America’s largest and most powerful corporations. This, in other words, has nothing to do with the threat of creeping Socialism, and everything to do with a desire on the part of America’s CEOs to operate outside of the law. This is about keeping cap-and-trade from being implemented, and keeping our coal-powered factories belching black smoke into the atmosphere.

And, on that note, I give you the ad for Glenn Beck’s book. Be sure to watch until the end. Otherwise, you won’t learn about how, in the future, we burn old people alive for energy.

note: I should add that I think this subject matter should be fair game for fiction writers. Dystopian novels, when done well, as in the case of 1984 and the Handmaid’s Tale, can be incredibly powerful. And, as we find ourselves, right now, at a time in history when natural resources are dwindling, population is rising, and our climate seems intent on wiping humanity from the face of the planet, I think we need to begin exploring, through fiction, and all other means available to us, how our countries might choose to intervene in hopes of salvaging what can be salvaged. It’s certainly plausible, I think, that we could find ourselves in a situation, for instance, where people are incentivized to give up their cars, move into urban centers, and use mass transportation. (Personally, I’d like to think that we could figure out how to make cheap, efficient solar power ubiquitous before resorting to the burning of our elderly, but I suppose it’s an alternative worth considering.) No, what I object to isn’t the book, but the fear mongering being done by certain people on the right who have a vested interest in the status quo. I have a problem with ALEC taking up the Agenda 21 conspiracy theory as a way to drive terrified and poorly-informed individuals into the offices of their elected officials, demanding that we not, for instance, legislate the emissions of coal plants, because it’s all part of Barack Obama’s evil Socialist plot to overthrow our great and powerful country. And, it pisses me off that Glenn Beck is building an empire on this nonsense, peddling fear between ads for gold coins, local gun shops, and so-called “survival seeds.” So, it’s not the book that I object to – it’s the completely disingenuous propaganda campaign surrounding it.

…Ypsilanti received a letter of intent from Core Resources, Inc. to purchase 1.25 acres of the 38-acre site.The property is currently owned by the city and Core, on behalf of its client Family Dollar Stores of Michigan, will pay $210,000 to purchase the land.

Core Resources, Inc. and Family Dollar have negotiated the initial terms including a concept site plan for the property and related building elevations for the potential development based on draft zoning for the Water Street Development…

The purchase of the property will be at market rate and will not require any special incentives from the city. The Ypsilanti City Council will consider approving the letter of intent at its Tuesday meeting, said Mayor Paul Schreiber. If council approves the letter of intent, Core is requesting that the city remove that portion of the Water Street area from the market.

The letter of intent is a non-binding agreement between the city and Core to work for a term of no more than three months on a development agreement…

Ypsilanti’s Mayor, Paul Schreiber, according to the article, is enthusiastic. “I’m in support of it because, first off the building they’re proposing conforms with a lot of the guidelines the planning commission came up with for the Water Street property,” Schreiber told them. “I think that store will bring a lot of foot traffic in the area. I think those two things are major considerations. We have to get started somewhere.”

Unfortunately, many of our downtown business owners don’t share his optimism. Paul Balcom, the owner of Ypsilanti’s beloved Rocket has gone on the record asking Council to consider the proposal carefully before moving forward. “I strongly recommend city officials investigate where Family Dollars locate and how they benefit those neighborhoods,” said Balcom. “This is detrimental to those who are working so hard to create a ‘go to’ downtown… and to those that frequent these local, unique businesses.” Leslie Leland of Mix said simply, “HORRIBLE IDEA! HORRIBLE! NO!”

And, I, somewhat uncharacteristically, took to Facebook to rant upon hearing the news.

In the interest of fairness, some people appear to support our Mayor, sharing his opinion that it would, all things considered, be a positive for Ypsilanti. Here, for instance, is a comment left on AnnArbor.com by a fellow named Chase Ingersoll.

Family Dollar is a precise fit for the socio-economic class that inhabits the adjacent neighborhoods. You minority of Ypsi’s who would prefer and can afford a health center, juice bar or a Whole Foods, can just move to Ann Arbor and stop trying to force your bourgeois tastes upon Ypsi’s proletariat.

Maybe he has a point. Maybe this is the best that Ypsi can hope for. One of his fellow AnnArbor.com readers certainly seems to think so. “If we can get rid of the human garbage that pollutes Ypsi,” he says, “maybe it could be a civilized town, where people want to come and invest.” Until then, I guess we should just accept they fact that we’ll never be able to do better than plasma centers and dollar stores.

And that was sarcasm, by the way. (For what it’s worth, I happen to think that most “human garbage” is online in Ann Arbor these days, and not on the street in Ypsi.)

Before we get into the specifics of Water Street, I think it’s worth noting two things. First, there are already two Family Dollar stores in Ypsilanti. (One is at 1001 Emerick Street, and the other is at 1821 East Michigan Avenue.) And, second, from what I can tell, they pay their sales associates about $7.44 an hour on average, which, in Michigan, is a whopping $.04 an hour above minimum wage.

It’s also worth mentioning, I think, that several communities around the United States are pushing back against the Family Dollar juggernaut, making the case that their presence in a neighborhood brings down property values, and makes real, sustainable economic development less likely. Among these communities are the Cascade area of southwest Atlanta and Tampa, Florida. The following comes from a site called NoFamilyDollar.com.

…Family Dollar has a bad reputation, not only for their workers, but also for their prices. Family Dollar has been found guilty of violating federal overtime laws, settling for over $35 million dollars for their illegal practices (Source – USA TODAY), by forcing employees to work without overtime pay, and has been accused of discrimanatory practices. Additionally their business model is set up around offering discounts on anchor items (such as Dish Soap) and then marking up all other items, so that a misled consumer actually spends more than at the competition.

…All Family Dollar’s net profits are taken out of the community. All profits are taken to the company’s headquarters in North Carolina. The net impact of this business being here to the benefit of the community on a local level is in the negative…

At this point, I should add that I can see why members of City Council and our Planning Department might be inclined to entertain this offer. They desperately want for something to happen on Water Street that jumpstarts the long-stalled, and much-criticized 38-acre, downtown redevelopment project. This, to my knowledge, is the first serious bid that we’ve received in the past two years, since we refused to sell one acre to a Burger King franchisee. While I don’t think they’re thrilled about the idea of having a dollar store on the property, I think they like the fact that that the building being proposed will at least conform to their design specifications. (Burger King, as I understand it, hadn’t been willing to consider that.) I could be wrong about this, but my sense is that folks are thinking that, at the very least, this will allow us to start building out the infrastructure on the site (roads, electricity, sewer, street lights, etc.) and give us a building which could be repurposed at a later date, after Family Dollar moves on. The idea has merit, but my sense is that Family Dollar puts as little money as possible into its buildings, and, as such, we’ll be lucky if the structure is still standing in 20 years.

The thing that’s most frustrating for me is that we only have one chance to do this correctly. We have something no other Michigan city has. We have a 38-acre parcel of downtown real estate with river frontage, and easy access to the highway, and it’s just about 15 minutes from the airport. This should be desirable property. And, if the economy begins to pick up, it will be. But, once we start building dollar stores, I think that possibility is dead. I don’t know that the Water Street gamble was a good one, but it’s too late to turn back now. We’ve purchased the land and torn down the dilapidated buildings that once stood there. And, after twice being jilted by developers, we’ve sat on it for the better part of a decade, waiting for people to start building in Michigan again. My advice… and I know it won’t be popular, as huge bond bills are coming due, and the promise of $210,000, and a little bit of tax revenue, is better than nothing… is to pass on Family Dollar. Taking this deal, in my opinion, it just too big of a risk. I know turning them down won’t be easy, but we’ve come this far, and I, for one, am willing to wait a bit longer, and not just jump at this out of desperation.

And it’s not as though we don’t have cause to be hopeful. Let’s remember that, assuming all goes well, we could be breaking ground on an incredibly beautiful and inspiring new Water Street recreation center in the near future. And, it seems to me that this could very well bring with it the kind of opportunities that are more inline with the aspirations and potential of our community. With that in mind, I’m inclined to say that we try to renegotiate our bonds, buy ourselves a little more time, and wait for the economic recovery to take hold.

Or, we could take the $210,000, and the promise of a handful of jobs that pay ¢4 over minimum wage, and accept this vision of Ypsilanti as a place that is undeserving of anything better than fast food and chain stores that take our money in exchange for cheap crap, and siphon the profits out-of-state, to the bank account of a wealthy family in North Carolina.

[note: For those who are interested, I've written a lot over the years about how we could better market Water Street, and what we could possibly see there... from a temporary shipping container arts community to southeast Michigan's first urban cohousing development. I don't know that it was one of my best ideas, but this one is still my favorite: "The best thing we could do at this point," I said a few years ago, "is give a small, select number of parcels away to individuals who we feel confident would use them in some compelling way that would, perhaps, set the tone for future development. Toward that end, (I think that we should) give half-acre lots to each of a half dozen builders and architects, with the stipulation that they construct inspired, aggressively green housing units." I still think that would have been incredible.]

update: Whether you agree with me or not, I’d encourage you to contact your representative on City Council and let them know how you feel. You’ll find their contact information here.

update: As some have pointed out in the comments section, Family Dollar, which sells primarily overstock, closeout and seasonal merchandise purchased from other retailers and distributors, is not a true “dollar store” in the strict sense, as they offer several products at higher price points. According to Wikipedia, “while there are many items available for $1, there are other price points as well. However, approximately 90% of the products cost less than $10. With most locations set up like a typical supermarket, the chain deals in food items, clothing and assorted household products.”

Justin Zatkoff, the executive director of the Michigan College Republicans, was brutally beaten after leaving a party in Ann Arbor on Saturday night. The Oakland University junior from Bloomfield Hills, Mich. was rumored to be targeted by militant leftist groups. Zatkoff, pictured above, did not know his attacker, and no money was stolen.

A source close to Zatkoff reports:

Justin may have been 1. randomly attacked (but not robbed??), 2. attacked by BAMN (well known for violence and strong in Ann Arbor), or 3. attacked by a homosexual rights group (Justin received an ‘odd/threatening’ email from a gay rights group about a day before the attack.)

As hard as it may be to believe, however, that was not the case. Justin was not beaten by a menacing gang of homosexuals. His eye socket, nose and nasal cavity were not broken by the members of BAMN, who, to my knowledge, have never done anything more radical than march around campus with signs advocating for affirmative action and immigrant rights. No, he was beaten by a friend in Ann Arbor after drunkenly provoking said friend. The following comes by way of the October 1, 2006 issue of the Michigan Daily.

…Last Thursday, Don Carlson, state chair of the Michigan College Republicans, issued a statement urging students to “Keep (Justin) in your prayers” during his surgery and to “Travel in groups when possible, especially until the elections are over.”

Carlson also included a link to the post on truthcaucus.com alleging that it was liberals who had beaten Zatkoff.

The police report tells a much different story.

Police said Zatkoff received his puffy purple left eye during a fight with a high school friend.

Zatkoff was at a friend’s party on the 1100 block of White Street on Sept. 23 when he engaged in what the police report called “horseplay” with a friend. Fueled by alcohol, Zatkoff was belligerent.

“When Zatkoff drinks, he gets a little out of control,” the report quoted one of Zatkoff’s friends. “At this particular party Zatkoff was being obnoxious.”

Another one of Zatkoff’s friends eventually admitted to police that it was he – not a gang of angry liberals – who punched Zatkoff.

After learning of the friend’s confession, Carlson said his statement had not been politically motivated.

“I wanted people to be warned of it and be careful,” he said. “That’s just good advice”…

Well, according to LinkedIn, it would appear that Zatkoff is now studying law at University of Detroit Mercy. I’ve also heard from a friend that he’s been interning for a Republican federal judge appointed by Reagan, by the name of Lawrence Paul Zatkoff. (Judge Zatkoff, I’m told, is best known around these parts for accusing federal agents of entrapment in a discrimination case against Ypsilanti landlords known for refusing to rent to families with children.) Given that their shared last name isn’t terribly common, and that Lawrence is a graduate of Detroit Mercy School of Law, where Justin now attends, my guess is that the two men are related. I’m tempted to add something at this point about nepotism, and how this is just one more instance of Republican hypocrisy, given that Justin Zatkoff, from what I’m told, spent a great deal of time on the University of Michigan campus a half dozen years ago, protesting affirmative action, telling people that such policies gave students of color unfair advantage over their white counterparts, but I’ll save that rant for another day.

So, it would appear that Justin Zatkoff, now in law school and working for a relative who happens to be a federal judge, is looking to clean up his online image. And, in hopes of seeing that accomplished, he sent out a slew of cease and desist letters citing the Digital Millennium Copyright Act (DMCA) on October 31. (He maintained, in my case, that I didn’t have the rights to use the photo of him with a black eye, which accompanied my 2006 article.) Unfortunately, however, the company that hosts my site didn’t let me know until Thursday, and, when they did, I didn’t immediately read their email. So, on Friday, they pulled my site. It wasn’t a huge deal for me, seeing as how I don’t derive my income from the site, but the idea that someone like Zaktoff could have my site yanked from the internet, I guess you could say, kind of pissed me off. Not having the financial resources to fight him in court, and lacking a relative on the federal bench, I removed the offending image, and, within a day, my site was back up. As I said, it wasn’t a terrible ordeal, but, if I were dependent upon this site for an income, the interruption could have been devastating, and, because of that, I felt that I shouldn’t just let it go without doing something that could perhaps dissuade others in the future from following Zatkoff’s example. So, I sent word out to my artist friends that I was looking for drawings and paintings of Zatoff, to replace the one that I didn’t own the rights to… The results can be seen to the right. The first image is by Alexis Ford. The second is by Ann Schneider… And here’s the DMCA letter, minus Zatkoff’s contact information.

Being a bleeding heart liberal, I’m somewhat conflicted about this. Zatkoff was likely about 20 when this original incident took place. Vaguely remembering what life was like at that age, I can imagine that he was confused, upset and embarrassed when he got his ass kicked by a friend for being… to quote the Michigan Daily… “obnoxious” and “out of control.” I can easily imagine how someone in that situation might tell police, as Zatkoff did, that he didn’t know his attackers. I cannot begin to fathom, however, how he could allow the “hate crime” lie to spread across the internet, knowing full well that it wasn’t the case. While it’s unclear to me as to whether or not the idea to blame the attack on “liberal thugs” actually originated with Zatkoff, it’s obvious that he didn’t do anything to stop that narrative from spreading prior to the 2006 election. And I find that to be absolutely despicable. Not only were our limited police resources being diverted unnecessarily from other vital tasks, but the student members of BAMN, and others, had to experience the indignity of being investigated as suspects, and confront the very real threat of serving time in jail for a violent crime that they didn’t commit.

But, in spite of all this, I could perhaps have found it in my heart to be forgiving. And, if he’d written to me and explained that he’d learned from the experience, and was attempting to move forward with his life, I likely would have wished him well and removed the image without a second thought. Instead, however, he took legal action, forcing my site to be taken down. (Granted, some fault lies with my site’s host for not alerting me sooner of the DMCA notice.) That doesn’t, to me, show remorse. Quite the contrary, the image that it conjures for me is of a wealthy, entitled Republican law student from West Bloomfield, who thinks that he can bully people into assisting him in his quest to rewrite history, and scrub the internet clean relative to this shameful incident, so that he can continue to ascend through the ranks of the Michigan Republican Party apparatus. (Speaking of which, you can find a nice photo of Zatkoff at a University of Michigan football game with Governor Rick Snyder and Congressman Fred Upton here… It would seem that maybe I knew what I was talking about in 2006, when I wrote, “He’ll no doubt go very far in conservative politics.”)

[note: According to a short update on the Michigan Liberal website in 2008, Zatkoff, in addition to filing a false police report, has also "faced allegations of illegal campaign finance activity, immoral behavior (including posing semi-naked for sexually explicit photos), (and) corruption." And, it would seem, this is not the first time that he's threatened to sue. "In a weird twist of events," According to the report by Michigan Liberal, "Zatkoff even threatened to sue Michigan Republican Party Chairman Saul Anuzis after scores of College Republicans were leaving the organization and pleading with Anuzis to remove Zatkoff as chairman."]

And here’s the irony… Because of these recent threats of legal action over copyright, Zatkoff’s name is once again making its way around the internet. If I didn’t find his previous actions so loathsome, I’d feel bad for the guy. He clearly doesn’t understand how the internet works, and, now, as a result of his actions, he’s going to experience the full force of the Streisand effect (the phenomenon whereby an attempt to hide or remove a piece of information has the unintended consequence of publicizing the information more widely). Yes, a huge storm is forming off the coast, ready to blow inland. Memes are gathering on the horizon, and new articles are being written. Soon, a whole new generation of Americans will know about Zatkoff, and, this time, thanks to Facebook, it will spread like wildfire.

[update: I've just been alerted to the fact that Justin now has his own ArborWiki page.]

It’s also worth noting, that some sites that have been threatened by Zatkoff aren’t removing their images. From what it looks like TMZ is among them. The image accompanying their 2008 article on Zatkoff, which is the same one that I’d used, is still up. (Their article was on Zatkoff having been fired from his position within the Republican National Committee’s “Victory ’08″ Campaign, “after he stole 300,000 pieces of campaign literature from Michigan campaign headquarters.”) Another site, by the name of Sadly No, is openly mocking his request, saying that the image that they’re using, which was taken by a Michigan Daily photographer, falls under fair use. (I’m glad to see that not everyone has buckled under the pressure, like I did.)

Oh, and if I’m reading this correctly, he’s not only fighting to have people remove his image from their sites, but he’s petitioning Google to stop indexing pages that reference his sordid past.

All of this has me wondering if perhaps the College Republicans offer a Web-washing 101 course at their annual convention. And, if not, I wonder if there might be a business in consulting with young, conservative political operatives who want to hide their campus activities before heading into the real world. I suspect it could be quite lucrative.

The bottom line is that we can’t just let these things slide, regardless of how inconsequential they may seem to us today, more than half a decade later. People need to be held accountable for their actions, and college students need to learn that there will be consequences for this kind of behavior, regardless of whether or not they have powerful relatives who are able to pull strings on their behalf. And, while we’re at it, I think this is a good place to add that the College Republicans, like the rest of the Republican party, need to undergo a serious reformation. I’d argue that these actions of Justin Zatkoff’s did not take place in a vacuum, but were informed by the culture of the College Republicans, which has been poisoned since the early 1970s by the likes of Karl Rove and Lee Atwater. The “win at all costs” mentality that they’ve driven into young, impressionable conservatives may have served their cause well for a time, but I’d argue that it’s time for a change. And, judging from the last election cycle, a great number of Americans agree. We’ve had enough of lies and deceit. What we need to focus on now is reality and honesty. And not allowing Zatkoff to rewrite history in this case, I think, is a good first step.

Every spring, when we get our last, little flurry of snow, global warming deniers are anxious to take the opportunity to point it out to all of us on Facebook, as though it somehow proves there’s no such thing as global climate change. I’m curious where they all are now, as we’re experiencing yet another day of 100-degree heat, and it looks as though Michigan may be losing its cherry crop for good…

I just can’t believe we’ve let it go this far. I sat in on a panel about global climate change in D.C. in 1987. That was 25 years ago. That’s how long we’ve been talking about this, trying to get the anti-science crowd to take global warming seriously. And this is where it’s gotten us. How much longer are we going to sit around and wait for the other side to act in good faith?…

And, on a personal note, I’m pissed because, after 12 years, I’ve finally given in and agreed to go several thousand dollars further into debt and get AC. I hate wasting the electricity, and contributing even more to the cycle that’s killing our planet, but I couldn’t in good conscience continue to do that to my family… I think humanity is fucked… We should have fought harder back when action would have meant something. (I’m not saying that we shouldn’t act now. I’m just saying that we should have been doing more before. Among other things, I should have gone to Florida and fought for Gore, who would have made bold moves to get us off of foreign oil after the 9/11 attacks, instead of declaring war on Iraq.)…

And the Republicans keep changing their tact. First they denied it. And, then, when they couldn’t deny it any longer, they said that global warming might exist, but that mankind wasn’t at fault, and therefore there was nothing that we could do about it. And there’s no reason to think that they won’t continue to shift the argument as they’re confronted by undeniable facts. They will never take this seriously. We need to go around them… or over them… or through them. We cannot do this with them… And we cannot continue to wait…

As another one of my Facebook friends pointed out, the idea of global warming wasn’t new in 1987, when I saw that panel of Congressmen and lobbyists debating how we should proceed in light of the scientific findings. We knew about the possibility long before that. As this friend pointed out, Sterling Lanier, in his book Hiero’s Journey, published in 1973, mentions the “greenhouse effect” and the possible consequences.

Speaking of that 1987 panel, the reason I can remember it all these years later is because of something said by an industry representative on the stage that evening. I can’t remember his exact words, but he said something like, “If it’s real, we’ll invent our way out of it.” The message was essentially that Capitalism will solve everything, if we just allow it to. The specific thing that I remember him saying is, “We’ll build better air conditioners.” I can still remember sitting there, thinking about how better air conditioners wouldn’t save the crops, or the lives of people who couldn’t afford these new, improved air conditioners. Of course, I didn’t do anything about it, though. I was too busy protesting Apartheid in South Africa, and our country’s nuclear policy. The impending peril posed by climate change seemed too abstract – too far off.

Actually, I think there may be a glimmer of hope. If the corn crop really is dead, the price of everything sweetened with high-fructose corn syrup will surely rise. And, maybe that’s what it takes to awaken the Big Gulp-drinking population of America, who don’t seem to give a damn that polar bears are drowning, and the levels of our oceans are rising. When Coke doubles in price, though… maybe that’s when we’ll see real change. Maybe that’s what triggers the revolution.

I spent three hours in Battle Creek today, and, in that time, I only spoke with one person. The man I spoke with was a security guard, standing outside of what was formerly the Battle Creek Sanitarium, which now, ironically enough, happens to be a federal building. I had Arlo with me. (He and I were exploring the city, while Linette was in a meeting.) I’d been looking for somewhere to buy a sandwich, when Arlo decided to have one of his watery poop explosions, and I thought, naively, that the federal building standing a few yards in the distance might be a relatively decent place to change a diaper. When I approached the guard standing outside, and told him of my intentions, he snapped, “You’re not going to do that in here.” I politely asked, why, as I’m a tax-paying citizen of the United States, and it’s a publicly-owned building, I couldn’t enter. Staring at me though dark glasses, he responded, “People want to blow up federal buildings.” I offered to let him search my bag, and asked for a more thorough explanation as to why, as an American citizen, I couldn’t enter. At this point, he essentially dared me to try to get past him, saving, “You think you know the law better than me… go ahead and try (to get in).” Not wanting for Arlo to get his first taste of pepper spray, I turned the stroller around and left.

It’s wasn’t a huge deal. I ended up just walking a few blocks away, to a small patch of grass, on the banks of the Battle Creek River, and changing Arlo’s diaper there, in the shadow of the ruins of Cereal City. It was actually really nice. Arlo got to enjoy being completely naked outside for the first time in his life, and I got to post nasty comments about my new security guard friend on Facebook.

Here’s my favorite response to my rant on Facebook. It comes from my friend, Andy.

I had no clue that Battle Crick was a hot spot for terrorism. I will avoid that city in the future since it sounds dangerous.

I should probably mention at this point that I’m well aware of the threat of anti-government terrorism. I remember when the federal building in Oklahoma City was bombed. And I think that it’s reasonable to take precautions to make sure that it doesn’t happen again. But, I thought… and I guess I was naive… that placing armed security guards at the entrance of such buildings was, in and of itself, a sufficient precaution. I mean, it would seem to me that the reason you’d hire a security guard would be to determine whether or not a person seeking entry posed a threat. But, I guess, in order to do that, you’d have to actually train your security guards, and invest in them. Instead, from what I saw in Battle Creek, the job seems to be that of low-wage security company goons, hired to intimidate anyone that approaches without an employee badge.

I know this isn’t a big deal compared to everything else going on in the world, but I don’t like bad customer service, and that’s essentially what this came down to. I approached this guy, when no one else was around, when he didn’t have anyone else to deal with, pushing a beautiful, little baby in a stroller… granted, he smelled like shit… and I was essentially dared, after exchanging just a few polite sentences, to push my way past him, and suffer the consequences. It was surreal… Anyway, thanks for hearing me out… And, remember – Don’t go to Battle Creek. As Andy says, it’s dangerous.

Oh, and one more thing… It boils my ass that we’re paying for guards there, when we’re pulling cops off the street elsewhere in Michigan, where people really are being killed every day. But, I guess the people of inner city Detroit don’t really matter as much as low level bureaucrats who shuffle papers for the VA.

And, again, I’m not saying that precautions shouldn’t be taken. I can see discouraging people from entering without reason, building barricades to keep trucks away, checking bags, etc. I just think it’s silly to act as though the Battle Creek federal building is like a U.S. military base… I may be wrong about this, but my guess is that more people, over the past ten years, have been killed in post offices than in federal office complexes, and yet, somehow, post offices remain open to the the public.

One more thing… The last federal office that I remember being attacked, if I’m not mistaken, was hit by a small aircraft in Texas. In short, if someone really wanted to attack this building, a power-tripping hired goon at the door probably isn’t going to stop them. And, even if he were, there’s always going to be something else to blow up. If a federal building is sufficiently secured, the terrorists will just go to the Jewish school down the street, for instance, like they did a few days ago in France. It’s something that we used to talk about a lot in the wake of the 9/11 attacks, but I don’t really hear much about it anymore… How much freedom are we willing to give up as a nation for the illusion of being safe?

But, here’s the bottom line… If you going to run a police state, at least make sure your jackbooted thugs are trained in customer service.

Oh, and I also got to drive through a cloud of Fruit Loops, which was nice.

[note: I just checked the website for Battle Creek's Hart-Dole-Inouye Federal Center, and here's what they say about gaining entry... "All visitors must submit to security screening and present a valid identity card (such as a state driver's license or federal ID) before entering the building."]

At least the guys in Mad Max had some fashion sense.

In related news, I’m thinking of starting a new multi-author blog called America is Doomed, where friends and I can just rant about about this kind of stuff. I need somewhere, other than this site, to vent about the likes of the Jersey Shore and Celebrity Rehab. (When I write about that kind of stuff here, I feel as though it contaminates everything else.)

Speaking of how bad American culture has gotten, when the family and I were in Toronto a few weekends ago, I threw out my back, leaping for the remote control in our hotel room, when I heard Barbara Walters, from across the room, ask Joan Rivers if she’d had her vagina surgically tightened. Thankfully, I don’t think that Clementine could hear anything over my bloodcurdling scream…

As for this new crop of doomsday shows, I guess it was just a matter of time. The subject matter is admitted compelling, as mental illness often is, the content is pretty much free, as the people featured are likely stupid enough to welcome cameras into their homes without compensation, and it’s hard to imagine subject matter better suited for companies advertising canned goods, batteries and liquor. (The episode I watched featured a family that spends over $200 a week on alcohol, which they’re convinced will be the currency of the future. The father of the family, who doesn’t drink, by the way, explained the bottles could also be lit on fire and hurled at people, burning them alive.)

Actually, on second thought, maybe I won’t just lay down and die when the end times come, like Guy Mcpherson. Maybe, instead, I’ll just find one of these terrified reality television families, who were nice enough to show me where they keep their stockpiles, and tell me how they intend to defend them, and then somehow trick them into giving me all of their aluminum foil, hams and whisky… Maybe I could trade them for magic seeds!