MARK: First, let’s start with what a Master Plan is, and why the city needs one. I think I know the answer, but I’m curious as to what you’ll say.

TERESA: The Master Plan is the guiding document for the city’s next 10-20 years. Practically, it’s something that I use frequently, as do others, to make sure that the projects we take on are in-line with the community’s vision as to where the City should be heading. The implementation tool of the Master Plan is the zoning ordinance, and that revision will follow the drafting of a new Master Plan… I think it’s important for Ypsilanti, especially now that we’ve gone through de-industrialization, and both a housing boom and bust. There are questions as to where we want go, in terms of our economy, our neighborhoods, and the transportation options available to us. In a time of diminishing resources, it’s still important to make deliberate choices, and to build on the existing physical infrastructure and our community character, which is Ypsilanti’s greatest strength. Ypsi is growing and changing, and sticking with the current plan, and the zoning requirements which were drafted to support it, limits where we can go. It’s time to rethink and redefine the City’s direction together as a community.

MARK: Are Master Plans required by law? Are there communities without them?

TERESA: The State of Michigan Planning Enabling Act requires the State’s Planning Commissions to develop and adopt a Master Plan, as well as update it every 5 years.

MARK: When did we last go through this process? Was it at all contentious? If so, why?

TERESA: The last time the process happened was in the late 1990s. (Our current plan, which was largely written in 1998, can be found here.) I don’t know the details of the process… maybe folks can discuss it in the comments section. I do know that, with most large-scale zoning changes, there is often concern as folks try to stay abreast of changes that might impact their neighborhoods, properties and commercial districts. After the Master Plan is adopted, the next stage is to move toward a major zoning ordinance revision, and a “form based code.” I expect that will also draw attention and opinions. I’m hoping for creativity and exploration, although I know sometimes it’s easy to take on a defensive posture when it comes to potential changes to one’s own property.

MARK: I’m not familiar with the phrase, “form based code.” What’s that?

MURPH: A “form based code” is a zoning ordinance that focuses most of its attention on the physical aspects of a building and site — how big is it, where is it relative to the street and sidewalk and neighboring properties, how much parking does it have — and spends less time listing the uses that are permitted or prohibited on the site. The form-based approach has gained in popularity in recent years as a way to focus regulations on the aspects of development that have the greatest impact on community character, and reducing the amount of micromanaging of what types of businesses can exist in a particular building.

MARK: Thanks, Murph. That makes more sense…. Earlier, Teresa, you mentioned that Michigan law requires that we update the Master Plan every five years. Is it safe to assume that, while we haven’t rewritten ours from scratch in some time, we have made edits to reflect changing circumstances? Assuming that’s the case, I’m curious to know what the most recent changes have been.

TERESA: In 2008, the City amended the Water Street area plan, and, in 2010, the City amended the Master Plan to include the Non-Motorized Transportation Plan. No overall update has been completed since 1998, though.

MURPH: We’ve done small amendments as individual developments came up, too — when Ave Maria closed their campus on Forest Avenue, for example, we had to amend the plan’s “future land use map” to allow anything other than an institutional use there.

MARK: How do people, if they want to engage in the process, go about doing so?

TERESA: This week, we’re in the Discover Charette phase of the process, and there are a number of events taking place. It’s essentially a week-long workshop that started with a Community Conversation on Tuesday night. (Thanks to the 50-some folks who attended!) Then, on Wednesday, and again today, we had the studio open at 206 West Michigan Avenue for people to drop in and give us their ideas and opinions as to what to preserve, change or create in the City. There were posters with questions related to our various housing and commercial areas, with the intention of getting the community to weigh in on what’s working and what’s not. And, on Friday, we’ll be reporting back what we’ve learned – showing images of what things currently look like, and sharing ideas as to where we’ll go from here. That will be at 5:00 PM, at SPARK East… Then, we do it again in April at the Design Charette. There, the planning team will have examples and sketched-out scenarios for people to respond to. We’ll have a public meeting to start it, another studio event, and other neighborhood meetings similar to what’s happening this week, wrapping up with another Friday presentation. We’ll keep the website up-to-date on the details.

MARK: Have we done what you would consider a good job of benchmarking other cities? I’m curious to know if, in the process of doing so, we’ve come up with any ideas that might be worth considering here? For instance, I didn’t read it yet, but a friend sent me an article awhile ago about an ordinance that was passed somewhere on the west coast that made it easier to construct secondary housing units on one’s property, as a way of increasing density, etc. If I’m not mistaken, the article made the case that doing so proved to be incredibly beneficial for the community in question. I’m not suggesting that we do that specifically, but I’m curious as to how broadly we’re casting our net. Is everything on the table?

TERESA: This is where our planning team comes in. They’ve done work in Michigan and the Midwest, as well as Florida, Vancouver (where everything is lovely), and tons of other places. We get to rely on their experience, and, yes, everything is on the table. In focus groups, and already this week, we’ve talked about travel lane conversions, roundabouts (what?), development in and around Depot Town, dinosaurs on the Water Street Trail, relocating the Ypsi bus terminal, the reuse and new development on the old Boys and Girls Club site on Park Street, and and that’s just what’s at the top of my mind after a long day of talking with folks. Planning out 10-20 years gives us more room to shape the city in ways as simple as making available more uses in downtown districts to encourage more business, to rethinking our street network, and imagining reuse scenarios for underutilized sites. Someone suggested a rollercoaster today – not sure where that will go – but yes, bring the ideas.

MARK: I’m reminded of the situation a few years ago when EMU made a move to close College Place, one of the main thoroughfares which connects the University with the City. I don’t recall if, in the ensuing debate, the Master Plan was ever invoked, and that makes me wonder if it has teeth. I guess what I’m asking is, how enforceable is the Master Plan?

TERESA: That was part of a neighborhood plan that I don’t believe was ever formally adopted. The teeth of any Master Plan is the subsequent zoning ordinance, and community by-in. If people are included in the plan, and invested in the process, then, in addition to the ordinance, their support and encouragement to move forward will keep it active and relevant.

MARK: What are some of the more ambitious ideas that have come to the surface so far? Is anyone pushing for a downtown garbage incinerator, or zoning changes that would allow for a Water Street hog processing plant? Is anyone advocating for the selling of public park space? Has anyone argued for the lessening of historic district standards?

MURPH: I haven’t heard anything shocking — apparently I missed the dinosaur rollercoasters. There was some talk about reconfiguring the Cross & Washtenaw intersection, to put the water tower at the center of a roundabout; a lot of talk about turning the one-way streets into two-ways (the traffic engineers seem to think this is realistic); consolidating all the tobacco and medical marijuana businesses and the Vu into a vice district; generating all of our own energy in town. Strong support for getting a burrito place in town.

MARK: I imagine one of the major drivers behind the drafting of this new Master Plan is our desire to make something happen on Water Street. What, specifically, are the major issues, as you see them, which need to be addressed relative to that particular 38-acre downtown parcel?

TERESA: It has less to do with Water Street than it does making relevant an out-of date plan that had no direction for redeveloping a former industrial properties (the former Ford plant), no concept of our housing needs post housing crisis and with higher unemployment impacting our neighbors’ abilities to keep their homes. It doesn’t talk about addressing inequities that exist within the community, and it doesn’t speak well of managing and building off our natural resources or any of the legs of the sustainability table. The current plan was revised to address redevelopment of Water Street a few years ago, and Water Street is important, but so is addressing difficulty of pedestrians to get from EMU to downtown due to traffic flying through town. The Master Plan is bigger than any one piece.

But you didn’t quite ask me that. The community worked together on a full plan for Water Street in 1999. That resulted in Biltmore’s proposal for the site, and later Freed’s in 2006. It’s fine that today we’re willing to sell off portions of the site, as a developer would, to construct in phases. What’s tricky is that we don’t have a clear picture as to how we should guide that development. The City needs to set the stage with an idea of the form we’re looking for on the site, how to provide the infrastructure, and a clear process for seeking and guiding developers through construction. Currently staff can’t say to a developer – “Yes, we want that type of development in that location.” Every aspect is up for negotiation, almost to the point where the community has to convince itself each time that this is a good idea. (And you can interpret that to be a single project or the whole Water Street idea.) We know Water Street has baggage, and it will never be perfect. Nonetheless, we have to have a direction. It can’t be, “I’ll know it when I see it.” We have to find a direction and then we all have to get out of the way and make it happen.

MARK: What are the most common complaints you hear about the current Master Plan?

TERESA: Mainly that it doesn’t seem to reflect the creative, active community we have now… Which doesn’t mean that it failed. It just means it’s time for us to take the next step.

MURPH: The Master Plan is supposed to provide policy guidance to the Planning Commission especially as we consider zoning amendments or applications that we have some discretionary role in. Looking at it from 15 years later, I see the 1998 Master Plan as focused on “clean up”, on dealing with the sore thumbs and nuisance issues in various neighborhoods. For one thing, I think the city has achieved a lot of those goals–closing nuisance businesses that were operating illegally; getting dangerous buildings torn down or fixed up; etc.–and can focus less on those issues. The other side of this is that, since the plan focused on the details of what we had at the time, it didn’t provide much guidance for other developments: there’s no indication in the 1998 plan of what should be done with the old Ford/Visteon/ACH property, for example, because the plant was operating at the time and didn’t seem to be a concern. Similarly, when we undertook zoning ordinance amendments to more clearly permit arts-based businesses in town, there was nothing in the Master Plan that gave useful guidance on this.

I’d like to see our new master plan provide a better policy framework for things that aren’t anticipated at the time of the plan: rather than a checklist of “do this, then do this, then do this”–the old plan has several hundred very detailed recommendations about individual properties or specific programs–we need guidelines for how to approach various situations that we can’t anticipate. We’ll still have specific action steps in the new plan, but I like the starting point of talking about our values as a community, because these are higher-level things that can be applied when considering unforeseen things that come in front of us.

MARK: And this whole process is being called “Shape Ypsi,” which, to me, sounds like a local women’s gym franchise… but I suspect you’ve been hearing that a lot.

TERESA: I thought that myself, but most people have been kind enough not to say it. In our focus groups, we’ve been literal, giving folks playdough with which to reimagine the “shape” of Ypsilanti. I have been impressed by clock towers and tridges. There was also a castle (they were trying to convey that there were too many moats), an “elephant in the room,” and a Water Tower. I was surprised that we only had one of those.

MARK: I like that the website which has been launched to accompany the process allows for people to post questions. So far, though, there aren’t that many. I liked the comment from the person who wanted to suggest that we not pursue a local rail stop, as it would act as a portal, allowing nefarious Detroiters a way to enter Ypsilanti, as though they couldn’t find their way here by car, or some other form of conveyance.

TERESA: That was our first comment on the website! The second comment at Tuesday’s meeting, was about the problem of public urination, something I clearly haven’t thought about enough… We slowed down on the online questions once we started the focus groups, but I have a feeling that, after this week, we’ll put up a few more. Or, maybe you could give us suggestions on what we’ve yet to ask that needs to be asked.

MARK: How are things ultimately decided on? Does the Steering Committee vote on what’s included? And, once they’re done with the document, does it get voted on by City Council? Is there a process by which members of City Council members can then advocate for changes? Also, as I mentioned the Steering Committee, who’s been appointed to serve on it?

TERESA: The Steering Committee was formed by the Planning Commission. They ultimately will adopt the plan, but only after City Council approves release of the Master Plan to other communities for review (per state ordinance). The Steering Committee is guiding the process overall and will continue to work on outreach and championing the process and ultimate plan, as we hope other people in town will including City Council as well.

Here’s the Steering Committee:

Ricky Jefferson (City Council, Ward 1)
Pete Murdoch (City Council, Ward 3)
Rod Johnson (Chair, Planning Commission)
Richard Murphy (Vice Chair, Planning Commission)
Phil Hollifield (Planning Commission)
D’Real Graham (Recreation Commission)
Anne Stevenson (Historic District Commission)
Leigh Greden (EMU administration)
Desmond Miller (EMU student government)
Bee Roll (Business owner)
Teresa Gillotti (Planning staff)

MARK: What are some of the issues being raised in the focus group process that you hadn’t anticipated?

TERESA: A few times people suggested that a guiding value should be fun. I really like that notion.

MARK: Can you give me an example of a guiding value that you think might be appropriate? Do you, for instance, have something in mind like Google’s “Don’t be evil”? Or are you thinking of something a little less broad?

TERESA: We have a draft list of 10 values. None are as catchy as Google’s. The first three are: Safety comes first. Diversity is our strength. Ypsilanti is sustainable. The rest build off of those.

MARK: How would you suggest that people get involved, assuming they can’t make it out to any of the upcoming meetings that you’ve mentioned.

TERESA: If folks can get out tomorrow or Friday that would be great. Otherwise join the listserve on the website or the Facebook group. The team will be back the 3rd week in April for another intensive week. After that, we’ll be putting together a draft plan. So now is the time.

The first comment comes from Jean Henry, the former owner of Ann Arbor’s Jefferson Market, who, at present, leads environmental sustainability initiatives at Zingerman’s.

On a very basic level I love (the idea of a year-round, food-centric facility on Water Street). My understanding, right now, is that we are maxed out on farmer’s markets, though. There simply aren’t enough farmers to supply any more markets. They are spread too thin. Farmers can’t farm and simultaneously be at 5 markets a week. To do so would mean that they would need to hire someone to tend the stand, and then everyone would complain about the increased price of the food being sold. That said, from what I understand, farmers like the big markets. So, if this one were to intentionally take the place of existing Ypsi markets, and maybe house a food hub, so that distribution could be done on-site as well, then it could work. I suppose a feasibility study would bring all this to light. I think, in general, proposing something grand and inspiring and forward thinking, and then asking the question “Do we need it?” in a non-anecdotal way, via a feasibility study, will bring you the solution that you seek. I’m pretty sure you don’t need a dollar store. Those giant businesses have a high-margin model where mistakes can be afforded. (i.e. They can open and close and the brand keeps on going.) Food does not. Almost anything you would want on Water Street does not. And so it will be hard to pull off. It will also be very hard to fund. But the chances of it sticking around and working for the good of Ypsi for the long haul are much greater. Even if you didn’t pull it off, the process of the City (by which I mean its citizens) visioning what it wants, determining what it needs, and trying to pull it off, would be really useful for Ypsi. At minimum you would all learn a lot. The future of Ypsi is really up to the citizens. If you all could get something bigger scale started, maybe the City, and groups like Eastern Leaders, could follow (rather than trying to lead) and assist. Then you’d really be on your way to having the City you all deserve. Water Street is a really great piece of property. Despite the troubles, it has incredible potential. As does all of downtown Ypsi.

And, a little while later, Jean added the following.

Waiting for offers (as was the case with Family Dollar) is almost always a bad idea. Maybe Ypsi just needs to try a little harder on its own behalf. I don’t mean just the government, I mean all of you. Funding IS possible. It would just require a lot of work. A public/private partnership, all stakeholders engaged, outside investors… even tax breaks in the short term for a larger tax base in the long term. There are lots of progressive redevelopment models out there, but none are easy, and local models are almost non-existent. The major stakeholders and an active citizenry need to be on board. And to get to that you need a great vision – which I think Mark has begun here. Rather than assume what is and isn’t possible (which I also did in my earlier comment, admittedly), I think it would be great if people could start to weigh in on what they CAN do. What alliances can be formed? What funding mechanisms exist? What are Ypsi’s strengths rather than its limitations? You actually have tremendous capacity in terms of an engaged (if somewhat cynical) citizenry, progressive thinkers, people that understand city planning and hybrid corporate structures, a major university, a predominantly thriving (by MI standards) county, AND a really beautiful piece of property on a riverfront downtown with an Olmsted-designed park corridor, within a mile of a major freeway and rail lines. I don’t know if you all realize what an unusual municipal asset that is. There are so many people at the universities, in county government and in economic development in the wider metro area who could help you all realize a great vision. But first you all need to stand tall and say, “We have something of value and we want to work hard collectively to make the most of it.”

A great model for sustainable development (and the hurdles one faces – the path has not been at all easy, and the formerly giant project has scaled down considerably) is the North Charleston Noisette project (in North Charleston, South Carolina). I spoke to the developer, John Knott, a few years ago about Water Street and he was interested in talking to someone in Ypsi about it. (I don’t think that ever happened.) I think the scale of it was appealing to him, relative to the behemoth that he took on. Also, I know at one point Eastern Leaders was looking at the whole corridor behind Water Street to 1-94 for economic development, so there really is a bigger potential package than just Water Street. There are people out there who know how to do this work. And they can tell you what is possible. Your sense of constriction originates, at least in part, in a tiny tax base. The city lines are simply drawn too tightly around downtown. I really believe to overcome that sense of constriction you need to look to the surrounding area for help and be prepared to believe and demonstrate that you are worthy of investment. You will also need to be very clear about what you want. Ypsi’s potential is so obvious to me. I really hope you guys take another stab at the Water Street windmill.

And, this comment comes from Amanda Edmonds, the director of Growing Hope, the organization that, among other things, runs Ypsi’s existing Downtown Farmers Market.

A few comments on both farmers’ markets – and saturation points – and a public market on Water Street. I’ve spent considerable time thinking and working on both!

So, as for farmers’ markets, my view is that we are at a saturation point for small neighborhood or small-community markets in Washtenaw County, particularly in places where food access and transportation aren’t big barriers for people. I wouldn’t say we’re at a saturation point nation-wide – there are many communities where there’s no good access to a market, or other fresh, healthy, local food options – and I’m really pleased with where we are in Michigan overall, mostly because we are a leader in the country when it comes to markets that accept EBT/SNAP. I’m proud that our Downtown Ypsilanti Farmers’ Market (DYFM) was the third in Michigan to accept EBT (back in 2006 when we started – and props to the Ypsi Food Co-op for helping provide the capacity to make that happen), and that this year 103 markets across the state accepted EBT. Many of the markets across the state doing EBT spent the day together last Monday in Turkeysville, MI reflecting and figuring out what’s next – all thanks to the amazing leadership of MIFMA (the Michigan Farmers’ Market Association) which is a lean organization that deserves much of the credit for our markets rocking out in Michigan. The total season EBT sales for markets across the state may top $1 million this year– which is only a small percentage of overall EBT sales, but it’s growing at an amazing rate. The DYFM topped $18,000 in EBT sales alone in 2012 – and that’s just during a four hour block on Tuesday afternoons in downtown Ypsi from May through October… So, the fact that more markets are being supported in areas where food access is difficult, is amazing. And it’s great that communities are creating markets as central squares and community gathering spaces.

The challenge is in what it takes to sustain a market. It costs us a lot of money, and we fundraise for to make our market what it is. Markets are not financially self-sustaining, particularly when they, like the DYFM, offer EBT and other programs/incentives that support food access, healthy eating education, support for small business development, et al. We’re going to see – and already are, in some ways – a boom and bust in markets who don’t have the capacity – or the ability to raise the funds to build capacity – to keep afloat. A lot of market managers are volunteers, and that becomes challenging when you’re basically running a bank on the back end (via token systems), and as a result you have a lot of turnover, which makes it hard to provide consistency to the many small businesses (farms, bakers, et al) who are relying on you for their income, and to the customers who are relying on you for their food. So, one thing I think we need, and are going to start seeing, is some consolidation of markets so that we can have well-run farmers’ markets with the efficiencies that come from that. Not one mammoth market monopoly, but just thinking about how to clump some markets under single entities that can provide shared marketing, vendor coordination, etc… There are also opportunities for winter markets. We go inside the Corner Brewery in November and December, and have a long waiting list of vendors who would like to be in this smaller space. As more growers are doing season extension, and there are more cottage food vendors, etc, we need opportunities for more permanent market space and indoor opportunities for all, or part, of the winter.

And, that leads me to Water Street… Since some of us were at the International Public Markets Conference (put on by Project for Public Spaces) in Cleveland in September, I’ve started thinking more about a public market on Water Street. While I’ve dreamed for years of the vacant Smith Furniture building being such a space (something like North Market in Columbus, Ohio), that seems like it’s not going to happen any time soon, and, well, Water Street is available… and a public market adjacent to the proposed Recreation Center would be a nice, complimentary use. The Royal Oak market is a pretty simple structure – a giant pole barn, really. It doesn’t have to be as fancy as the Grand Rapids market, but it could be built out in stages. We could, for instance, develop our local kitchen incubator (which still in the works) in a smaller phase-1 site, and then eventually move it over. We could host our farmers’ markets there as well as have permanent stalls… And, it can be events space.

I’ve been working through how and when to facilitate community visioning around this and other food-system-based economic development in Ypsi – if people want to be involved they can get in touch with me… Look also for an open house info session for people interested in being involved in an Ypsi Kitchen Incubator that Growing Hope will be hosting in December on behalf of Washtenaw County Community & Economic Development…

And, later, Amanda added the following stream-of-consciousness addendum.

When I refer to a public market, I’m not talking about open air market, but a year-round space that can accommodate farmers’ markets, as well as permanent stalls… Royal Oak has a fairly simple version. North Market in Columbus, Ohio is one of my inspirations. A shared use or incubator kitchen could also be a part of it. A community event and/or performance space could be accommodated as well… I’ve visited many of these types of markets, at a variety of scales, in communities of different sizes. I think it’s the next step for us. I think it – the property/building – should be privately or community-owned, and then we should have a nonprofit and community partners as users/tenants/etc… Or, we could have an entity like a CDC as an owner…

[note: During Tuesday's City Council session, it was decided, after a 4 to 1 vote, to move forward with the proposal from Family Dollar. This would not, however, preclude us from considering other parcels on the site for such a public market.]

DRACULA

On May Day sometime in the 1890s, an ordinary Englishman boarded a train in Munich. His destination was a castle in Transylvania, a country wedged between the Danubian Provinces of Moldavia and Wallachia. It was a dark and stormy night when he arrived.

“Do you not know that tonight, when the clock strikes midnight, all the evil things of the world will have full sway?” asked the landlady of a nearby hotel, and she implored him to reverse his course. Other commoners then warned him it was a witch’s Sabbath. Heedless, he persisted to the castle where pure terror awaited him in the personage of a bloodsucking monster. Count Dracula was at once as smooth, polite, and persuasive as President Obama, and as terrifying, shape-shifting, and diabolical as George W. Bush. He was undead—a zombie, or a werewolf—and lived only as long as he was able to suck human blood.

As for the crisis of our own lives, in 2009 Matt Taibbi assigned blame to the banks, calling Goldman Sachs “a great vampire squid wrapped around the face of humanity, relentlessly jamming its blood funnel into anything that smells like money.” Reverend Edward Pinkney of Benton Harbor, Michigan, referring to the Emergency Manager which was wrapped around the face of his city, said “he’s for the corporations that suck the life out of people.” Banks, insurance companies, and corporations belong to the total circuit of capitalism whence the sucking originates. When Alan Haber, the first president of SDS, spoke last winter at the Crazy Wisdom Book Shop and Tea Room in Ann Arbor about his experiences at Occupy Boston and Oc­cupy Wall Street, he concluded his remarks by reminding everybody that “Capital is dead labor, which vampire-like, lives only by sucking living labor, and lives the more, the more labor it sucks.”

As May Day 2012 approaches Ypsilanti, by all means let us tell stories of flowers and fertility rituals and of the ancient festivals on the commons; and let us, for sure, commemorate the great struggle for the eight-hour workday that reached a climax in Chicago at the Haymarket in May 1886, and gave birth to the holiday of workers around the planet, east and west, north and south. As the prospect of the appointment of an Emergency Manager (EM) looms over Ypsilanti—with powers to abrogate union contracts, close schools, sell public assets, expropriate municipal lands, and whose very word is law—we must also greet the day with the realistic gloom that comes from an uncertainty about health, roof, studies, and livelihood. The tooth is at our throat!

Our green parks are turned into toxic brownfields and our common lands have been laid waste as collateral for unspecified “development.” Our eight-hour work­day is lengthened by multiple part-time jobs, or by the time-consuming caretaking of elders without pensions or children without day care. Our lives now are in the grip of mysterious forces called securitization or financialization, to which we submit in dumbfounded helplessness, though the blush on our faces reminds us that these forces are but the bloodsuckers of old. Voltaire wrote that “stock jobbers, brokers, and men of business sucked the blood of the people in broad daylight… these true suckers live not in cemeteries but in very agreeable palaces.”

We face a crisis of production, yes, but also a crisis of reproduction. Production pertains to factories, sweatshops, mines, and fields; it is the realm of commerce, technology, and commodities. Reproduction pertains to kitchens, families, schools, neighborhoods; it is the realm of society, service, and a very special “commodity”—actually no commodity at all, rather: human beings. Reproduction takes place over various cycles of duration. It may mean the daily preparation for the next day or week—the shopping, the cooking, the cleaning, etc. Or it may mean the preparation of the next generation, beginning with its creation and extending from diaper changing to graduate school. Michaela Brennan, a public health nurse at the Pack­ard Community Clinic outside Ypsilanti, sighed in near despair: “So many people need looking after!”

REVEREND PINKNEY AND GREECE CIRCA 2012

Benton Harbor is on the other side of the state, but its tale is Ypsilanti’s too. Reverend Pinckney opposed the expropriation of the parklands which had been deeded to the city a hundred years ago, to belong to it “forever.” Such places are common lands. Whirlpool Corporation wanted the land and so did the developers who had in mind a golf course for executives and the Chicago summer people. The people’s park had to go, and so did the people. When they squawked, an Emergency Manager was forced on the town. Its commons were then privatized by the 1 percent.

One aim of this book is to oppose EMs—in the name of democracy!—and, in the name of the commons, to oppose the capitalist system behind them. We are being hoodwinked.

In 2007 Reverend Pinckney quoted scriptures to a judge:

Cursed shalt thou be in the city, and cursed shalt thou be in the field. Cursed shall be thy basket and thy store. Cursed shall be the fruit of thy body, and the fruit of thy land, the increase of thy kine, and the flocks of thy sheep…. The Lord shall smite thee with a consumption, and with a fever, and with an in­flammation, and with an extreme burning, and with the sword, and with blasting, and with mildew; and they shall pursue thee until thou perish (Deuteronomy 28: 14–22).

The judge found these lines threatening and ordered Edward Pinkney to prison for three to ten years. Pink­ney kept up the fight inside jail, where despite the mutual resentment of blacks, whites, and browns, he coordinated with each group and collectively they won better food for themselves.

An Emergency Manager is a dictator. In ancient Rome, Sulla was one of the patricians who opposed the populares, who were still in mourning for the death of the fraternal people’s tribunes of Caius and Tiberius Gracchus, whose Agrarian Law redistributed the land of the patricians and preserved the common lands of the people, or the ager publicus. Sulla ravaged Athens until its streets ran with blood; in Rome he slaughtered five thousand prisoners. Under an emergency, he had himself declared “dictator” and murdered his friends. His word was law, and law was death. The Roman people were offered bread and circuses; we are offered McDonald’s and golf. In Benton Harbor the ager publicus has been privatized; it now has no people and eighteen holes.

This phenomenon is worldwide. Take Greece, for instance. From Thessaloniki a woman named Anna writes me, “I don’t know if you are aware that since last fall, instead of having an elected government, the IMF [International Monetary Fund] and the European Bank have appointed an emergency government to manage the crisis.” The manager used to work for Goldman Sachs. He puts the funnel in to draw some blood…

Those wishing to discuss the vampirism of modern capitalism, against the backdrop of May Day, are welcome to join Peter, Jeff, myself, the rest of the Occupy Ypsi family, and those sympathetic to the cause, tomorrow evening on Water Street. Details can be found here… Bring your stakes. And a dish to pass.

In Michigan, income taxes on the poor and middle class are rising, the pensions of our retirees are being taxed, tax credits for the working poor, like the Earned Income Tax Credit (EITC), are being slashed, and, with state assistance for higher education drying up, families are going into unprecedented debt in the hopes of securing stable futures for their children. The Republicans may not see all of these as tax increases, but they are. The increased insurance payments that many of us are forced to pay, because our local fire departments are being downsized, is essentially a tax. The same goes for the private school tuition that several of us are paying, rather than suffer through the constrictions of a public school system which is being systematically dismantled. And these few examples are just the tip of the iceberg. The truth is, it’s becoming increasingly difficult for regular working people in Michigan to merely sustain life. Fortunately for those in power, houses aren’t selling. If they were, I suspect that most of us would be gone.

And, as those of us in Ypsilanti can attest, it’s the folks who are living in Michigan’s aging cities that are feeling the brunt of this radical redistribution of wealth. With state revenue sharing for cities dropping precipitously, one-by-one communities are being asked to make the choice — either institute a personal income tax, and pay for our own city services, or submit to the rule of an unelected Emergency Financial Manager, who will be empowered to sell off our community assets at fire sale prices, dismiss our democratically elected officials, privatize city services, and break contracts with city employee unions, essentially stripping our carcass of what little meat there is left, and sealing our fate. As long as we don’t ask the wealthy in Michigan’s upscale gated communities to contribute toward the greater good, it’s all the same to the folks in Lansing. They’re allowing us to make the choice.

Speaking of Emergency Financial Mangers, and their emerging role as urban Rust Belt mortician, I found the following quote from Pontiac’s former Emergency Financial Manager, Michael Stampfler, to be quite telling:

“I do not believe EMs can be successful – they abrogate the civic structure of the community for a period of years then return it virtually dismantled for the community to attempt to somehow make a go of it… The program provides no structure for long-term recovery, and that is why most communities slide back into trouble, if they experience any relief at all.”

So, here we are, defunded to the point of collapse, with an ownership-class that has proven to be absolutely hostile to the idea of contributing toward the stability of struggling cities in which they do not live, the maintenance of public transportation that they do not use, and the education of children that they do not know, and I have to wonder just how long they can expect to remain untouched by the consequences of their actions.

In the meantime, though…

I don’t know that I have the time or energy for another project right now, but it really seems as though there’s a need for a concise, well-done multimedia piece, easily sharable by way of social media, that clearly lays out how, over the past several years, the tax burden in Michigan has steadily been shifting from the wealthy, business-owning class, to the middle class and working poor. I think that such a piece would be extremely useful, here, in Michigan, in the run-up to the next election, but I also think that folks around the country would find it to be a useful cautionary tale, as it looks as though every state in the union is following a similar trajectory, if a bit behind us. It’s complicated story to tell, but I have to believe that there’s a way to convey the facts in such a way that, at least the main points, are clear to everyone. Maybe, I’m thinking, this would be a good project for the progressive blogs of Michigan to undertake together. (I could see us launching a pretty effective Kickstarter campaign.)

As for solutions, I don’t know that we’d necessarily have to offer any in the video, but, in my opinion, there are three things that we need to do if we’re to turn things around — vote everyone out of office in Lansing, pass a progressive state income tax, and institute a rational system of revenue sharing, that strengthens Michigan’s aging cities, and provides a decent education to children across the state, regardless of how wealthy their parents might be. If we could just do that, I’d be happy.

And, for what it’w worth, I like the imagery of the voracious, blood-sucking octopus, but I could be persuaded to try different analogies.

MARK: First off, can you tell us a little about BALLE, and why it is that you think the work of the organization is so important at this point in American history?

PAUL: BALLE is the only national business alliance dedicated to connecting local, independent businesses to each other. That means the collective wisdom and knowledge about crowdfunding in Arizona is quickly and easily accessible by their business peers in Detroit, and that cross-pollination is proving to be a massive catalyst in moving the Localist movement to the forefront of policy and mainstream awareness.

MARK: In a few weeks, BALLE is holding its annual conference in Grand Rapids. Why Grand Rapids? Or, if I can put you on the spot… Why not Detroit, which seems like ground zero when it comes to this kind of thing?

PAUL: We have historically partnered to put on the conference with an established local BALLE network such that we can showcase their local living economy impacts up-close and personal. There is wonderful work happening in Detroit right now, which is why we have a post-conference tour of Detroit and a Michigan-specific scholarship fund recruiting Detroit (and other Michigan) leaders to come to the conference to share and to learn. But Local First in Grand Rapids is a national powerhouse network whose work is an example around the country. The collaborative work of the 600 members of Local First has proven that even the forces of recession and industrial decline are no match for the economic power of a thriving community of innovative locally owned businesses. By having the conference in Grand Rapids we’ll all get to experience that — to touch, smell, taste what real prosperity can look like in this former Rust Belt city.

MARK: Nationally speaking, when it comes to matters of local food production, and the evolution of complex, dynamic local business ecosystems, like those championed by BALLE, would you say that Michigan is in front of the curve, leading the way?

PAUL: I really don’t feel qualified to answer this. Maybe Rodger Bowser, one of the Deli’s managing partners, who is very connected with this scene would be a better person to weigh in on this question.

MARK: As I know that you spend a lot of time traveling the country, I’m wondering what areas you feel we have the most to learn from. I hear a lot, for instance, about the Intervale Food Hub in Vermont. What, if anything, can we learn from them? And what other regions can we appropriate ideas from?

PAUL: Regarding Intervale, I’d point here to the “Community Food Enterprise” study from 2 years ago, undertaken by BALLE and the Wallace Center at Winrock International, that profiled Intervale and other local and regional food businesses for what they have to teach other communities. See the Intervale case study online here. Intervale’s work is powerful because it took underutilized land and a dream of a city to meet 10% of its food demand through local production, and it accomplished this by creating and bringing together a whole range of locally owned, community-serving businesses that worked collaboratively to build a local food system specific to the needs and assets of Burlington.

Farmer training and support was one key component of their success, as with another model we profiled, Appalachian Harvest Network, taking former tobacco farmers and training them instead to become organic food growers for local and regional consumption. It’s an unlikely story but it’s been a big success in terms of local food access and rural economic development.

For those interested in food hubs, we’ll have a 2-hour interactive session dedicated to the topic at the BALLE conference in Grand Rapids.

MARK: Speaking of food hubs, how are things going with our local initiative? Is there any positive news to report?

PAUL: Again, talk to Rodger Bowser.

MARK: This may be a bit of an oversimplification, but we know from experience that chain stores, on the whole, are like a cancer. They force locally-owned retailers out of business. They tend to pay people poorly. They siphon money out of the communities the inhabit. And, ultimately, they have no allegiance to these communities in which they exist. They aren’t accountable. And, at the first sign of trouble, they pull up stakes and leave, after having decimated finely-tuned ecosystems that took decades to form. But, they’re efficient as all hell, and they provide goods and services at relatively affordable prices, which is important to today’s cash-strapped and financially insecure American consumer. Given that dynamic, how does one move forward? Clearly, as in the case of Zingerman’s, there’s a certain demographic that’s willing to pay for quality product. They’re going to pay a premium, knowing that the company they’re choosing to do business with, is paying a living wage, treating their people well, and contributing toward the betterment of their community. And that, in and of itself, is a good thing. But how do you broaden that audience? How do you move the line so that would-be Walmart shoppers start going to the local woodworker for their picnic tables, or the local butcher for their hamburger, when, I think it’s safe to say, those folks are never going to be able to compete on price? How do you make people value quality, and the acknowledge the fact that spending more to do business with a neighbor is actually in their best interest?

PAUL: We’ve all felt the very real and personal impact of what it means to be at the mercy of global conglomerations. We’ve seen them pack up and leave, and that has left many out of work for the first time in their lives. The local treasury has been bled, the community’s standard of living has been lowered, and, in some instances, the earth has been scorched. Consider the dollars staying in a community at your local butcher, how that helps pay local taxes, which help local schools, and keeps wages higher so that the people who live and work in your town are also shopping and spending and keeping your local economy humming along – that is real prosperity. It’s certainly an education process, and we’ve got a long ways to go, but the current love-affair with “buy local” is paving the way for us to have the broader conversation. We can then begin to have dialogue and education on what “the true cost of a product” is, in terms of people and planet.

MARK: I’m curious to know what you make of American Express’s well-financed, annual Small Business Saturday campaign. I’m torn. On one hand, I think it’s good that they’re giving national exposure to the importance of locally-owned business, but, on the other, it’s just one damned day. And it kind of feels, at least to me, like the movement is getting co-opted. Are you sensing that the “buy local” movement is at risk of being taken over? I mean we have malls now with signs saying “Buy Local.” How do we keep the waters from getting muddied, and the whole thing becoming meaningless?

PAUL: This is an interesting question. American Express asked for BALLE’s endorsement of the day, and after a lot of discussion with American Express representatives and our community, we decided not to. Certainly, they have reached a very large national audience with their Small Business Saturday campaign, and it does get people talking about small business, if not local and independent ownership. What we think is most important is to help the public connect this one day to the work happening on Main Streets around the country to support independent businesses throughout the year. Several dozen local business networks came together to create the Shift Your Shopping holiday campaign as our movement’s answer — a campaign that represented more than 38,000 businesses across the U.S. and Canada. You can find out more about that campaign here.

MARK: If I could take the opportunity to ask you an Ypsi specific question…. As you and I have discussed before, a great many Zingerman’s employees live in Ypsilanti. (I believe more than half, right?) While I know that there’s some synergy to be had, having all of your various enterprises co-located in Ann Arbor, might it make sense, at some point, to put some portion of your business in Ypsi? I know that it would be difficult to decouple the Bakehouse from Zingerman’s Mail Order, for instance, but I think that it would be awesome if you did your baking here… maybe on Water Street.

PAUL: It would actually be easier and more realistic to move our Mail Order operation to Ypsi, and that is a possibility. I still would really like to have a Zingerman’s presence in Ypsilanti and I believe that it will happen at some point. Although I do worry about being viewed as an unwanted outsider.

MARK: Back to chains, I’m curious what you think about legislation that would restrict their growth in, for instance, downtown areas. Is that something that we might want to consider in Ann Arbor, where, at the rate we’re going, over half of all storefronts will be either a 7 Elevens or a Starbucks by 2020.

PAUL: Many cities have experimented with ways to lift up their locally owned independents and define for themselves what they want their business community to look like. Some of those efforts have been more successful than others. For example, Think Local First DC and Go Local Tacoma (Washington State) are two BALLE networks that have been navigating Walmart coming to town, and Local First Arizona completed several landmark studies that have changed Phoenix procurement policies to support local businesses first. The ongoing research of Michael Shuman, a BALLE Fellow, and Stacy Mitchell, of the Institute for Local Self Reliance, are some of the most helpful resources about what’s been tried and what’s worked. You can find details here.

MARK: What are you most looking forward to at the BALLE conference?

PAUL: Hanging out with Mark Maynard. Having people from around the country coming to a city that Time magazine called “DEAD” and seeing how vibrant it is and also experiencing all the great, positive energy that is Michigan (irrespective of the legislature in Lansing). I always get re-energized with hope when I get to see and hear about all the people who don’t sit around complaining about what is wrong, but instead are imagining and acting on what is possible.

MARK: Is there anything else that I should have asked?

PAUL: What does BALLE mean when it talks about Real Prosperity vs False Prosperity?

False Prosperity
Consolidated, distant ownership
Benefiting only a few
Depleting natural resources
Dependent, volatile
Homogenizing, loss of heritage
Dollars leave the local economy

Real Prosperity
Diverse, local ownership
Improving quality of life for all
Protecting the natural resources we all need
Self-sufficient, resilient
Unique culture, pride of place
Dollars stay in local economy

Those interested in joining me and Paul at the BALLE conference in Grand Rapids, will find registration information here… Also, I’ve just been informed that the Kellogg Foundation has come forward with a generous offer to fund 25 scholarships to the conference. According to the announcement, these scholarships are intended especially for “entrepreneurs and community network leaders from underrepresented communities in the Upper Peninsula, Detroit, Flint, Grand Rapids, and Muskegon, and beyond, including communities of color, low-income communities, and women-led organizations.” (I imagine that Ypsilanti would meet their criteria.) If you’d like to apply, you can find the online application here.

Anyway, one thing led to another, and now I’ve got a new noise project, which involves amplified soup eating beneath hogtied, nude art patrons… What started as a joke, I feel, has become my life’s calling.

One thing at a time, though… First, Pete and I need to assemble our band, Corridor and Grain, and record the Hall and Oates song She’s Gone. (And, yes, this is very much going to happen.)

I know I said above that the song may have just come to mind because Zimmerman’s name was similar to that of Zantzinger’s, but clearly there’s more tying the two cases together than just that. Zimmerman, as we now know, was also a son of privilege, having grown up with a father who was a Virginia Supreme Court magistrate. It’s unclear whether his father’s experience within the criminal justice system helped his son avoid jail time after a violent 2005 altercation with police, or in relation to a recent charge of domestic violence, but I think it’s safe to say that Zimmerman, at the very least, was raised with a certain level of privilege that his victim was not. And, like Zantzinger, Zimmerman, and his supporters, are also turning things around the young, unarmed victim, who, as far as I can tell, just happened to be at the wrong place at the wrong time. Stories began swirling almost immediately that Trayvon Martin was not the innocent young man that he appeared to be… Sure, he’d just bought a can of iced tea and a bag of Skittles, but, as some on the right wing would claim, “skittles” is the street term for dextromethorphan. Of course, he didn’t have dextromethorphan on him at the time of his murder, but that doesn’t matter. The important thing is that a link has been made, so now people can start to wonder if maybe, just maybe, he’d gone to the 7 Eleven to score dextromethorphan, but accidentally got candy by the same name instead. Oh, and others on the right are saying that he did’t actually buy the Skittles at all. According to some, the candy was shoplifted. And, then there’s the story making the rounds about how he’d been expelled from his high school for having a small plastic baggie in his possession – like those used to hold marijuana… It’s all nonsense, of course. Even if it were all true, though, it wouldn’t mean a thing. Even if the kid were a degenerate shoplifter who cultivated fields of pot in the Florida Everglades, it wouldn’t change the fact that, on that specific night, he’d done nothing to warrant the attention of Zimmerman, a wannabe cop with a loaded guy, a history of violent outbursts, and a demonstrated problem with “coons” in his exclusive, gated community… Of course, we’re being told now, by Zimmerman’s friend Joe Oliver, that Zimmerman didn’t say “fucking coons” at all on that 911 tape, but “fucking goons.” And “goons,” we’re told, is a term of endearment… So, apparently, Zimmerman really liked this black kid that he was stalking through his neighborhood, until the point that the young man turned around and started beating the shit out of him.

That’s the prevalent narrative on the right, but the way… Zimmerman was following Martin, whom he determined to be suspicious (given the fact that he was a young black man walking slowly in the rain), when Martin attacked him for no reason. Zimmerman Sr., speaking on behalf of his son, said that Martin yelled, “you’re going to die tonight,” as though his dialogue were being written by a 70 year old, first-time screenwriter in suburban Kansas who had only experienced black people through reruns of Matlock. Of course, Martin’s girlfriend, who was talking with him at the time that he was approached by Zimmerman, says that no such thing happened. Zimmerman’s father, however, says that she’s being dishonest. (He, of course, knows the truth, having heard his son’s story.) As I understand it, he’s also said that the young man heard screaming for help on the 911 tape is his son. Two leading experts in the field of forensic voice identification, however, have come out today, saying that the voice is almost certainly that of Martin. What’s more, the Miami funeral director who prepared Trayvon Martin’s body, said he found no “cuts, scratches, or bruises – only a gunshot wound to the chest”, which seems to refute Zimmerman’s claim that Martin and he scuffled. And, then there’s the newly released police surveillance footage, that appears to show Zimmerman, less than an hour after the shooting, without a mark on him, collaborating an eyewitness account that he wasn’t at all injured, in spite of his claims to have received a broken nose, and had his head thrust repeatedly into the asphalt.

I should add that I’m all for keeping an open mind, and letting the facts come out over the course of the investigation. And, generally speaking, I’m not one to advocate on behalf of mob justice. With that said, though, I’ve been given very little reason to believe the narrative put forward by the survivor. And, given how difficult it has been to get the police to turn over the 911 calls, and the video footage of Zimmerman on the night of the killing, I’m not inclined to believe that the young black victim in this case has an advocate inside the department. So, while I’d love to sit back and wait for justice to run its course, I’m not so certain that we can afford to do that in this case. And, quite frankly, I’m pissed at the blatant lies being pushed by the friends and family of George Zimmerman.

Oh, speaking of Speaking of Zantzinger, there’s one last thing that I wanted to mention. He died in 2009, at the age of 69. And, you might be interested to know, his views on race didn’t evolve much over the course of his life. The following clip is from his New York Times obituary.

…In 1991, The Maryland Independent disclosed that Mr. Zantzinger had been collecting rent from black families living in shanties that he no longer owned; Charles County, Md., had foreclosed on them for unpaid taxes. The shanties lacked running water, toilets or outhouses. Not only had Mr. Zantzinger collected rent for properties he did not own, he also went to court to demand past-due rent, and won.

He pleaded guilty to 50 misdemeanor counts of deceptive trade practices, paid $62,000 in penalties and, under an 18-month sentence, spent only nights in jail.

Information on Mr. Zantzinger’s survivors was unavailable. Though he long refused interviews, he did speak to the author Howard Sounes for his book “Down the Highway: The Life of Bob Dylan” (2001) , telling him of his scorn for Mr. Dylan.

“I should have sued him and put him in jail,” he said…

I find it interesting that he felt as though Dylan should have been “put in jail” for having written about his coldblooded murder of another human being, but that, at the same time, also felt as though he shouldn’t have served time for having actually having done the killing. I think that sums up the concept of white privilege pretty well.

As for The Lonesome Death Song of Hattie Carroll, I’d intended, when I first set out to write this post, to suggest that we start a letter writing campaign to Dylan, urging him to employ his still considerable talents to document the story of Trayvon Martin in song, so as to ensure that his passing isn’t lost to history, in the same way that Carroll’s surely would would have been, if not for his song in 1963. Then, however, it struck me how much I disliked the fact that Elton John had taken the song, Candle in the Wind, which was originally written for Marilyn Monroe, and had it rewritten for Princess Diana, and I decided to drop the idea… I hope, instead, that lots of other songwriters, drawing inspiration from The Lonesome Death of Hattie Carroll, set out to share the facts of this case as best that they can, so that people never forget what happened a month ago in Florida.

[I have no idea if something like this is even possible, but I thought that I'd throw the idea out there, just in case someone wanted to take it on. We can debate the content of the message, but I like the idea of having some kind of automated response on behalf of our community, acknowledging the fact that the Ypsilanti stories that are told on AnnArbor.com are disproportionately negative, and suggesting alternative sources for information about what happens this side of Carpenter Road... I should add that this isn't necessarily a knock against AnnArbor.com. I realize that they are resource constrained, and that they serve a subscriber base that's primarily in Ann Arbor, that doesn't care as much about swimming pool fundraisers, and those little instances of beauty that we see in our community every day, as they do about homes full of dog feces and chicken coops set ablaze... It's probably also worth noting that sometimes AnnArbor.com does a great job covering our community. Unfortunately, it seems as though the salacious pieces about dirty houses and petty crime often take precedence, as they did today.]

At least the guys in Mad Max had some fashion sense.

In related news, I’m thinking of starting a new multi-author blog called America is Doomed, where friends and I can just rant about about this kind of stuff. I need somewhere, other than this site, to vent about the likes of the Jersey Shore and Celebrity Rehab. (When I write about that kind of stuff here, I feel as though it contaminates everything else.)

Speaking of how bad American culture has gotten, when the family and I were in Toronto a few weekends ago, I threw out my back, leaping for the remote control in our hotel room, when I heard Barbara Walters, from across the room, ask Joan Rivers if she’d had her vagina surgically tightened. Thankfully, I don’t think that Clementine could hear anything over my bloodcurdling scream…

As for this new crop of doomsday shows, I guess it was just a matter of time. The subject matter is admitted compelling, as mental illness often is, the content is pretty much free, as the people featured are likely stupid enough to welcome cameras into their homes without compensation, and it’s hard to imagine subject matter better suited for companies advertising canned goods, batteries and liquor. (The episode I watched featured a family that spends over $200 a week on alcohol, which they’re convinced will be the currency of the future. The father of the family, who doesn’t drink, by the way, explained the bottles could also be lit on fire and hurled at people, burning them alive.)

Actually, on second thought, maybe I won’t just lay down and die when the end times come, like Guy Mcpherson. Maybe, instead, I’ll just find one of these terrified reality television families, who were nice enough to show me where they keep their stockpiles, and tell me how they intend to defend them, and then somehow trick them into giving me all of their aluminum foil, hams and whisky… Maybe I could trade them for magic seeds!

It’s the perfect business for today’s lean, mean Michigan. It capitalizes on every trend.

The idea… and I probably shouldn’t share this publicly, before the Kickstarter campaign even gets off the ground… is a chain of “community empowerment centers” (that generate massive revenues through the sale of guns and ammunition).

I’d start by opening one in every Michigan city officially certified as failing, and then franchise through the rust belt. The best part is, I wouldn’t have to pay for expensive demographic studies. I’d just take my cues from the Governor. As soon as he moved to takeover a city (and install an Emergency Financial Manager), I’d swoop in and open a store. As our failing cites are laying off police officers in record numbers, it just stands to reason that the people who remain would be more inclined to consider gun ownership, right? At least, that’s what the evidence would suggest. As you’ll recall from our conversation the other day, the justifiable homicide rate is up by a whopping 79% this year in Detroit, indicating that, more and more, people are reaching for their guns instead of calling 911. And that, to me, says opportunity.

And, not only is there a huge and growing market for personal firearms in this post-civilizaiton Michigan that we find ourselves living in, but there’s cheap property. For branding purposes, I’m planning to locate my family-friendly gun shops exclusively in former church buildings…. The last I heard, Michigan was one of only two states losing population. And, with the exodus of people, congregations are dwindling, and more religious properties are going up for sale. In Ypsilanti alone, if I’m not mistaken, there are about half a dozen former churches up for sale at this very moment. And where better to set up one of my Divine Justice community empowerment centers? (That’s the name of the company, by the way.)

The stigma of going into a seedy gun shop will be gone. Instead of flickering overhead lights, we’d have beautiful stained glass windows, depicting heavily armed angels. And, we’ll have all of the extras that discerning gun owners could possibly want, including mini Hooters stands, like those tiny Starbucks outposts that have started popping up inside of dentists offices and the like. And, I should mention, our firing ranges will be Biblical themed, with cutouts of menacing homosexual couples wielding fabric grocery bags full of runny cheese, women buying birth control, and people saying “Happy Holidays” instead of “Merry Christmas,” leaping out at you, instead of stereotypical gangsters. And we’ll offer all kinds of special packages, like the one I call the Culture Warrior, which includes a snub-nosed 38, hidden inside of a hollowed out copy of the Old Testament signed by G. Gordon Liddy.

I know that this might come across as distasteful to some of you, but I figure if people can get rich owning stock in the companies that manufacture the missiles launched from drone aircraft in Iraq, then what’s wrong with making a few dollars on justifiable homicide at home? And, it’s not all self-serving. For every gun I sell, I’ll be taking a page from the playbook of Stuart Beal and offering one to a homeless veteran for free. (They’ll still have to come to me for bullets, though.)

And, once we’re all armed, just think of the taxes that we’ll save, as our police officers retire and join the ranks of those wandering our streets, collecting bottles, and making our communities even more beautiful… We’re just a few months away from living in a free market paradise, my friends.

This is an American success story in the making, if ever there was one.