An effusive, praise-filled Christmas speech to be delivered to the conservative patriarch or matriarch of your family

Tomorrow, I imagine that many of you will be heading off to have Christmas dinner with your parents, some of whom may be Trump-supporting Fox News viewers. I know it’s unlikely, but, if that should be the case, and, if the conservative patriarch or matriarch of your family, inspired by Trump, should go around the dinner table, demanding that you, your siblings, and everyone else, lavish praise upon them, I’ve got an outline of a speech that you can use. It’s inspired by the Mike Pence’s painfully effusive ass-kissing of Donald Trump from a few days ago. Here, for those of you who have yet to see it, is the video.

And here’s the transcript. As you’ll notice, after each section, I’ve attempted to rewrite the words of Pence so that they might make sense in a more familial setting. As I don’t imagine I will any cause to deliver such a speech, I’ve used the surname Wolfcock in the following. Feel free, however, to swap in your own last name and edit as necessary. [Christian Wolfcock is the pen name I use when writing period romance novels.]

THE PRESIDENT: Mike, would you like to say a few words?

THE VICE PRESIDENT: Well, I appreciate it Mr. President. As I told you last night, shortly after the Senate vote I know I speak on behalf of the entire Cabinet and of millions of Americans when I say, congratulations and thank you. [As I told you last night, shortly after we watched Fox News “War on Christmas” special with the kids, I know I speak on behalf of the entire family, and at least a small handful of your uneducated white neighbors, when I say, congratulations and thank you.]

THE PRESIDENT: Thank you.

THE VICE PRESIDENT: Thank you for seeing, through the course of this year, an agenda that truly is restoring this country. You described it very well, Mr. President. From the outset of this administration, we’ve been rebuilding our military, putting the safety and security of the American people first. [Thank you for seeing, through the course of this year, an agenda that truly is restoring our embarrassing failure of a family. You described it very well. From your inauguration as neighborhood watch captain, you’ve been putting the safety and security of Wolfcocks first, by, among other things, taking bricks from the walkways of others, under cover of night, and using them to rebuild the section of the patio where uncle Marty, drunk on “freedom juice”, tripped and fell at at last summer’s Putin Day barbque.]

You’ve restored American credibility on the world stage. We’re standing with our allies. We’re standing up to our enemies. [You’ve restored our credibility in the neighborhood. We’re standing with the other self-described patriots on the cul-de-sac. We’re standing up to our enemies, who, in addition to trying to guilt us into recycling, bring far too many guests to the pool.*]

But you promised economic renewal at home. You said we could make this economy great again, and you promised to roll back regulations, and you’ve signed more bills rolling back federal red tape than any President in American history. You’ve unleashed American energy. You’ve spurred an optimism in this country that’s setting records. [But you promised economic renewal. You said we could make the Wolfcock family great again, and you promised to roll back regulations, not only in the bathroom, but in the kitchen. By no longer requiring us to waste precious time washing our hands, or fully cooking pork, and by demanding that we prioritize value over safety, you are saving more money than any patriarch in Wolfcock family history. You’ve unleashed Wolfcock energy. You’ve spurred an optimism in this house that is setting records. And the number of people who now sit around this table – which, by the way, is several times more than have ever sat around a table for Christmas dinner in history – is testament to that fact.]

But you promised the American people in that campaign a year ago that you would deliver historic tax cuts, and it would be a “middle-class miracle.” And in just a short period of time, that promise will be fulfilled. [But you promised the children of the family a year ago that you would deliver historic allowance hikes, and it would be a “junior Wolfcock miracle.” And in just a short period of time, that promise will be fulfilled, as allowances will rise several cents a week, almost offsetting the increase in meal plan premiums we’ll be implementing.]

And I just — I’m deeply humbled, as your Vice President, to be able to be here. Because of your leadership, Mr. President, and because of the strong support of the leadership in the Congress of the United States, you’re delivering on that middle-class miracle. [And I just — I’m deeply humbled, as the next Wolfcock in the patriarchal order, to be able to be here. Because of your leadership, and because of the strong support of the leadership throughout the family, you’re delivering on the junior Wolfcock miracle.]

You’ve actually got the Congress to do, as you said, what they couldn’t do with ANWR for 40 years. You got the Congress to do, with tax cuts for working families and American businesses, what they haven’t been able to do for 31 years. And you got Congress to do what they couldn’t do for seven years, in repealing the individual mandate in Obamacare. [You’ve actually got me to do, as you said, what I wouldn’t do for 40 years – killing all the wildlife in the neighborhood with a hatchet, and flooding all of our backyards with crude oil. And you got all of us, by promising to eliminate health care for the oldest and weakest in the family, to do what we’ve refused to do for 31 years, saving even more money that can be handed over to our wealthy overlords, who, as Jesus “Pull Yourself Up By Your Bootstraps” Christ tells us, deserve it more than we do.]

I know you would have me also acknowledge the people around this table, Mr. President. I want to thank the leaders in Congress once again for their partnership in this. I want to thank your outstanding team, your Secretary of the Treasury, Steven Mnuchin, for Gary Cohn, for Ivanka Trump, for your great legislative team — all the members of this Cabinet who partnered to drive your vision forward over the past six months after you laid out that vision for tax reform. [I know you would have me also acknowledge the people around this table. I want to thank the leaders along the cul-de-sac once again for their partnership in this. I want to thank your outstanding team, your neighbors Steve “Get the Fuck off my Lawn” Smith, Gary “I Can’t Be A Racist Because My Lawyer Is A Jew” Lester, and Mike “King Birther” Brandon, who partnered to drive your vision for an absolutely unlivable neighborhood forward, hiring migrant workers to board up our publics schools and burn our parks to the ground, and then calling ICE on them when they demanded payment.]

But mostly, Mr. President, I’ll end where I began and just tell you, I want to thank you, Mr. President. I want to thank you for speaking on behalf of and fighting every day for the forgotten men and women of America. Because of your determination, because of your leadership, the forgotten men and women of America are forgotten no more. And we are making America great again. [But mostly, I’ll end where I began and just tell you, I want to thank you for pretending to speak on behalf of the forgotten men and women of our community, and for saying that you’re fighting every day for them, when you’re actually practicing your putting in the back yard. Because of your determination, because of your leadership, the forgotten men and women of our community are forgotten no more. In fact, we just wrote to them today, telling them that their neighborhood association fees have been doubled in order to add a mistress apartment to the home of our richest resident.]

THE PRESIDENT: Thank you, Mike. That’s very nice. I appreciate that.

THE VICE PRESIDENT: Thank you, Mr. President, and God bless you.

I’m sure, working together, we can make it even better, but you get the idea.

[*This is where I’d lead the rest of the family in chanting, “Build the wall. Build the wall.”]

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25 Comments

  1. Jeff Gaynor
    Posted December 24, 2017 at 11:05 am | Permalink

    I’m not sure it was necessary to satirize Pence’s words. They stand on their own.

  2. Deep City
    Posted December 24, 2017 at 11:40 am | Permalink

    You even worked in a reference to Putin. Nice work. If I could make one suggestion, though, I’d add a reference to tiki torches and polo shirts.

  3. SW
    Posted December 24, 2017 at 11:50 am | Permalink

    Maybe once the orange one is removed and fully shamed, all these sycophantic quotes will produce enough negative campaign ads to create Dem majorities for a couple generations.

    I don’t have high hopes, but if we were a better society it would be so.

  4. Dirtgrain
    Posted December 24, 2017 at 2:26 pm | Permalink

    His crossed arms . . . he looks like he feels like he has been wronged (as he has repeatedly said). Maybe the liar truly believes his lies. That is a more scary thought than an intentional dictator. Yikes.

  5. Jean Henry
    Posted December 24, 2017 at 3:19 pm | Permalink

    Excellent. I googled ‘wolfcock’ to see where you might have picked that up.

    From Urban Dictionary:
    Wolfcock — The waxing and waning of a mans penis in conjunction with a lunar cycle.
    (Today is a waxing crescent, in case anyone is concerned.)

    And then there’s this:
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wqgsrEu98Gw

  6. Iron Lung
    Posted December 24, 2017 at 7:05 pm | Permalink

    It will be amusing when the market finally crashes and the economy starts sliding into the dark days again.

  7. Jean Henry
    Posted December 25, 2017 at 7:09 am | Permalink

    Why do you expect the market to crash, IL? More and more, it seems the market is unresponsive to the struggles of the ‘under’ classes. The market simply extracts more productivity and straight up resources from the rest of us, rather than producing anything of value or broadening opportunity and so wealth. Apparently we keep buying loads of crap no matter what. I saw nothing in the tax plan that would make it harder to profit from business. I saw a lot that would place more people in a state of constant struggle, so they would not have time to rebel or organize. I suppose the deficit could have some negative impact, but so far that has not happened. Even the threat of a volatile US president who imperils our safety and our allies’ safety and erodes diplomatic forces does not seem to impact our economy. Since he hasn’t enacted very much protectionist policy, I don;t see an impact there either. The way the tax bill was constructed– the way the entire Trump presidency has be conducted– markets and the rich are secure and everyone else is not. In a more functional democratic capitalist economy that would not be possible. We have an oligarchy now.
    Merry Christmas.

  8. Iron Lung
    Posted December 25, 2017 at 8:41 am | Permalink

    Trump came in at a high point.

    It will be amusing when he has to deal with a real crisis.

  9. wobblie
    Posted December 25, 2017 at 9:47 am | Permalink

    The reason the market will crash is because of the A) actions of the Federal Reserve. 1) They want to continue to increase interest rates at .25 basis point per quarter. 2) Over the next two years they intend to “unwind” their portfolio to the tune of hundreds of billions of dollars per year.

    This is the end of QE (quantitative easing). The stock market is at astronomical highs because of the easy money the Fed has been flooding Wall Street through its bond purchases and direct ownership of stock. Will the trillion dollar boondogle that the Republicans just gave Corporate America be sufficient to replace the Feds money? Unlikely because 1) nearly 30% of the money will be going to foreign owners of American stocks and 2) The greedy parasites who make up our ruling elite could give a rats ass about the consequences of their hording.

    B) In addition to these domestic policies, the end of the petro-dollar monopoly is at hand with China (the biggest importer of oil in the world) and Russia, Iran Venezuela and others beginning to transact business not using dollars.

    See David Stockman’s article below for his take
    http://www.talkmarkets.com/content/us-markets/the-coming-fiscal-derailment-why-fy-2019-will-sink-the-casino?post=160042

  10. Sad
    Posted December 26, 2017 at 9:40 am | Permalink

    Bitcoin.

    Every time our best and brightest start making a mint off something nobody else can understand the end is near.

  11. Hyborian Warlord
    Posted December 27, 2017 at 2:10 pm | Permalink

    Well, he got his tax cut through but he is really on the ropes with this Mueller thing! I don’t know if he can continue to withstand this kind of punishment!!!

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K0eNEk58AYc

  12. anonymous
    Posted December 27, 2017 at 5:13 pm | Permalink

    The Republicans control the White House, House of Representatives and the Senate. Alex Jones, were he president, could have gotten a tax bill through.

  13. Jean Henry
    Posted December 27, 2017 at 5:24 pm | Permalink

    It was an establishment GOP tax bill, not a Trump tax bill. It represents everything you say you hate, HW. A mass revenue giveaway to the corporate donor class, a few crumbs thrown to the masses, for which they are expected to be so grateful that they won’t notice the cuts in services they depend upon— and depend upon to a much greater degree in red states than blue. And then there’s the 1.5 trillion dollar deficit spending… from which no one will benefit but the very rich.
    This was not a victory for Trump. He didn’t even put any effort into to getting it passed. This was a victory for the old school GOP in congress. It’s also the thing they needed to pass before they take steps to oust him.

    As for your predictions, HW, v mine– I’m happy to wait this one out. We’ll see…

  14. Iron Lung
    Posted December 27, 2017 at 7:01 pm | Permalink

    For the record, I was never so completely without things to do to go onto a local conservative blog to voraciously stand up for Barack Obama.

  15. Hyborian Warlord
    Posted December 27, 2017 at 11:23 pm | Permalink

    But MUELLER and the RUSSIAN COLLUSION PROBE!!! I’m so scared he is going to INDICT the President! He got Flynn and those other guys! WHAT IS GOING TO HAPPEN NEXT???

  16. Jean Henry
    Posted December 27, 2017 at 11:52 pm | Permalink

    None of us knows, HW. Not even you.

  17. Hyborian Warlord
    Posted December 28, 2017 at 12:24 am | Permalink

    Oh, now it’s “we have no idea what’s gonna happen”. Funny shit!

  18. Hyborian Warlord
    Posted December 28, 2017 at 12:40 am | Permalink

    I’m not sure anyone can be 100% sure of something in the future so that may be correct what you said there. Whose prediction turns out to be more accurate is what is relevant. Does Mueller take him down or is everyone about to learn what draining the swamp really means?

  19. Anonymous
    Posted December 28, 2017 at 11:03 am | Permalink

    The investigation is ongoing, and not everything is public yet, but we’ve already been able to determine that much of what was in the Steele dossier is true.

    http://www.slate.com/articles/news_and_politics/jurisprudence/2017/09/a_lot_of_the_steele_dossier_has_since_been_corroborated.html

  20. Hyborian Warlord
    Posted December 28, 2017 at 12:10 pm | Permalink

    That’s a long article (from way back in September – got anything more recent?) What are the most important true details in the dossier and how have they been corroborated?

  21. Jean Henry
    Posted December 28, 2017 at 3:03 pm | Permalink

    <>

  22. wobblie
    Posted December 28, 2017 at 7:01 pm | Permalink

    HW, I remember your comments concerning Puerto Rico and Hurricane Maria http://www.newsweek.com/puerto-rico-recovery-100-days-hurricane-maria-760965

    over 1000 dead and 50% of the Island still without electricity. Great job Donald. While the liberal elite are fixated on Russia Russia Russia, Trump dismantles everything that made America Great and gives it away to his plutocrat friends.

    HW are you like Donald and believe “climate change” is a Chinese conspiracy and is not real?

    What we do know is that the Arctic is nearly 20 c warmer than the 40 year average.

    http://cci-reanalyzer.org/wx/DailySummary/#t2anom

  23. Maria Huffman
    Posted December 28, 2017 at 9:16 pm | Permalink

    Why would you ever think Pence is better than Trump?

  24. Maria Huffman
    Posted December 28, 2017 at 9:33 pm | Permalink

    I tend to think Pence is a linear thinker who misses the big picture, usually. That is made up for by his mild demeanor. He just doesnt seem like the guy who would overthrow Trump.

  25. Hyborian Warlord
    Posted December 29, 2017 at 11:43 am | Permalink

    What was the Little Ice Age? How many “Big” Ice Ages have there been since the beginning of the Pleistocene Era? Are we not in an interglacial period right now? How could someone who knows the answers to these questions be considered a denialist but people who don’t know are thought to have correct understanding?

    Are Puerto Rican officials free of corruption? Why are they so deeply in debt but still have such flimsy infrastructure? Did Trump not suggest a possible solution regarding debt forgiveness?

    But anyway: MUELLLER and Russian Collusion!!!!!!! He’s CLOSING IN!!! OH NNNOOOZZZZ!!!!!

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