Tomorrow, I imagine that many of you will be heading off to have Christmas dinner with your parents, some of whom may be Trump-supporting Fox News viewers. I know it’s unlikely, but, if that should be the case, and, if the conservative patriarch or matriarch of your family, inspired by Trump, should go around the dinner table, demanding that you, your siblings, and everyone else, lavish praise upon them, I’ve got an outline of a speech that you can use. It’s inspired by the Mike Pence’s painfully effusive ass-kissing of Donald Trump from a few days ago. Here, for those of you who have yet to see it, is the video.
And here’s the transcript. As you’ll notice, after each section, I’ve attempted to rewrite the words of Pence so that they might make sense in a more familial setting. As I don’t imagine I will any cause to deliver such a speech, I’ve used the surname Wolfcock in the following. Feel free, however, to swap in your own last name and edit as necessary. [Christian Wolfcock is the pen name I use when writing period romance novels.]
THE PRESIDENT: Mike, would you like to say a few words?
THE VICE PRESIDENT: Well, I appreciate it Mr. President. As I told you last night, shortly after the Senate vote I know I speak on behalf of the entire Cabinet and of millions of Americans when I say, congratulations and thank you. [As I told you last night, shortly after we watched Fox News “War on Christmas” special with the kids, I know I speak on behalf of the entire family, and at least a small handful of your uneducated white neighbors, when I say, congratulations and thank you.]
THE PRESIDENT: Thank you.
THE VICE PRESIDENT: Thank you for seeing, through the course of this year, an agenda that truly is restoring this country. You described it very well, Mr. President. From the outset of this administration, we’ve been rebuilding our military, putting the safety and security of the American people first. [Thank you for seeing, through the course of this year, an agenda that truly is restoring our embarrassing failure of a family. You described it very well. From your inauguration as neighborhood watch captain, you’ve been putting the safety and security of Wolfcocks first, by, among other things, taking bricks from the walkways of others, under cover of night, and using them to rebuild the section of the patio where uncle Marty, drunk on “freedom juice”, tripped and fell at at last summer’s Putin Day barbque.]
You’ve restored American credibility on the world stage. We’re standing with our allies. We’re standing up to our enemies. [You’ve restored our credibility in the neighborhood. We’re standing with the other self-described patriots on the cul-de-sac. We’re standing up to our enemies, who, in addition to trying to guilt us into recycling, bring far too many guests to the pool.*]
But you promised economic renewal at home. You said we could make this economy great again, and you promised to roll back regulations, and you’ve signed more bills rolling back federal red tape than any President in American history. You’ve unleashed American energy. You’ve spurred an optimism in this country that’s setting records. [But you promised economic renewal. You said we could make the Wolfcock family great again, and you promised to roll back regulations, not only in the bathroom, but in the kitchen. By no longer requiring us to waste precious time washing our hands, or fully cooking pork, and by demanding that we prioritize value over safety, you are saving more money than any patriarch in Wolfcock family history. You’ve unleashed Wolfcock energy. You’ve spurred an optimism in this house that is setting records. And the number of people who now sit around this table – which, by the way, is several times more than have ever sat around a table for Christmas dinner in history – is testament to that fact.]
But you promised the American people in that campaign a year ago that you would deliver historic tax cuts, and it would be a “middle-class miracle.” And in just a short period of time, that promise will be fulfilled. [But you promised the children of the family a year ago that you would deliver historic allowance hikes, and it would be a “junior Wolfcock miracle.” And in just a short period of time, that promise will be fulfilled, as allowances will rise several cents a week, almost offsetting the increase in meal plan premiums we’ll be implementing.]
And I just — I’m deeply humbled, as your Vice President, to be able to be here. Because of your leadership, Mr. President, and because of the strong support of the leadership in the Congress of the United States, you’re delivering on that middle-class miracle. [And I just — I’m deeply humbled, as the next Wolfcock in the patriarchal order, to be able to be here. Because of your leadership, and because of the strong support of the leadership throughout the family, you’re delivering on the junior Wolfcock miracle.]
You’ve actually got the Congress to do, as you said, what they couldn’t do with ANWR for 40 years. You got the Congress to do, with tax cuts for working families and American businesses, what they haven’t been able to do for 31 years. And you got Congress to do what they couldn’t do for seven years, in repealing the individual mandate in Obamacare. [You’ve actually got me to do, as you said, what I wouldn’t do for 40 years – killing all the wildlife in the neighborhood with a hatchet, and flooding all of our backyards with crude oil. And you got all of us, by promising to eliminate health care for the oldest and weakest in the family, to do what we’ve refused to do for 31 years, saving even more money that can be handed over to our wealthy overlords, who, as Jesus “Pull Yourself Up By Your Bootstraps” Christ tells us, deserve it more than we do.]
I know you would have me also acknowledge the people around this table, Mr. President. I want to thank the leaders in Congress once again for their partnership in this. I want to thank your outstanding team, your Secretary of the Treasury, Steven Mnuchin, for Gary Cohn, for Ivanka Trump, for your great legislative team — all the members of this Cabinet who partnered to drive your vision forward over the past six months after you laid out that vision for tax reform. [I know you would have me also acknowledge the people around this table. I want to thank the leaders along the cul-de-sac once again for their partnership in this. I want to thank your outstanding team, your neighbors Steve “Get the Fuck off my Lawn” Smith, Gary “I Can’t Be A Racist Because My Lawyer Is A Jew” Lester, and Mike “King Birther” Brandon, who partnered to drive your vision for an absolutely unlivable neighborhood forward, hiring migrant workers to board up our publics schools and burn our parks to the ground, and then calling ICE on them when they demanded payment.]
But mostly, Mr. President, I’ll end where I began and just tell you, I want to thank you, Mr. President. I want to thank you for speaking on behalf of and fighting every day for the forgotten men and women of America. Because of your determination, because of your leadership, the forgotten men and women of America are forgotten no more. And we are making America great again. [But mostly, I’ll end where I began and just tell you, I want to thank you for pretending to speak on behalf of the forgotten men and women of our community, and for saying that you’re fighting every day for them, when you’re actually practicing your putting in the back yard. Because of your determination, because of your leadership, the forgotten men and women of our community are forgotten no more. In fact, we just wrote to them today, telling them that their neighborhood association fees have been doubled in order to add a mistress apartment to the home of our richest resident.]
THE PRESIDENT: Thank you, Mike. That’s very nice. I appreciate that.
THE VICE PRESIDENT: Thank you, Mr. President, and God bless you.
I’m sure, working together, we can make it even better, but you get the idea.
[*This is where I’d lead the rest of the family in chanting, “Build the wall. Build the wall.”]