Barbie and Ken to teach children about the dangers of ticks

Apparently, the Russians, in an attempt to completely break the will of the American people, have somehow coerced the senior management of Mattel to roll out a man-bun-sporting Ken doll… and, as you might expect, conservatives across the country are losing their collective shit over it, wringing their hands, and suggesting that something be done immediately, before an entire generation of would-be American warriors starts demanding that their schools tear down their football stadiums and replace them with free, community-facing, holistic wellness centers. Personally, as no one with a man-bun ever beat me up in middle school, or called me a faggot, I don’t have any problem with it. In fact, I’m inclined to think it might be a good thing, even though, to be quite honest, I find the whole man-bun thing to be a little douchey. To each his own, though… With all of that said, however, it occurs to me that, if this new line of Ken dolls should fail, they could be reintroduced to the market as educational tools to be used by teachers when discussing the threats posed by ticks, which, by the way, are apparently more abundant this year than any in recorded history. I mean, it really does look like fully-engorged ticks are burrowing down into the scalps of these unsuspecting young men, doesn’t it? And isn’t that way more awesome than a man-bun?

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  1. Eel
    Posted June 21, 2017 at 8:25 am | Permalink

    Sold in conjunction with Bikini Line Tick Barbie.

  2. anonymous
    Posted June 21, 2017 at 8:31 am | Permalink

    I would like to live in a word where men showed their strength and bravery by hosting parasites on their bodies, proudly showing off their head ticks as they walked confidently through town. That’s much more macho than revving a car engine.

  3. Jordan Miller
    Posted June 21, 2017 at 1:29 pm | Permalink

    Do they seriously come in those Urban Outfitters shirts? I might need one of these.

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