The giant rat that was waiting for me upon my return home

There’s nothing like coming home late from the airport, exhausted from a day of travel after a grueling out-of-state recording session with friends, and finding a three foot tall stuffed rat dressed like a rabbit laying on the ground in front of your house. I don’t know if I would have been so freaked out, had I not been hung over, and had my kids not been screaming about the possibility that it might have been left by an evil clown, but I was totally terrified as we pulled up and saw it there, illuminated by our headlights, it’s beady little eyes staring at us. I knew it wasn’t likely, but I couldn’t help but think it was possible that a little person might be inside it, just waiting for me to get close enough before leaping up like a Chucky doll and chasing me through the neighborhood. So, like a coward, I got out of the car, found a long stick, and poked at it a few times before finally grabbing it by the ear and dragging it away from the kids, who, by this point, were standing close by, screaming that I should call the police… Now that I know we’re not in any danger, though, I’m wondering if I might be able to convince Arlo to get inside of it, and just lay still on the lawn of my neighbors until they come out to investigate.


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  1. Posted October 24, 2016 at 11:54 pm | Permalink

    After this, there is nothing.

  2. Eel
    Posted October 25, 2016 at 5:45 am | Permalink

    This clearly has something to do with your freeing the mouse stuck in your refrigerator a few days ago.

  3. Anonymous
    Posted October 25, 2016 at 7:59 am | Permalink

    It’s not an possessed stuffed animal. It’s EOS.

  4. Mr. X
    Posted October 25, 2016 at 9:36 am | Permalink

    How’s this for the plot of a small, independent feature….. During an electrical storm, or some such thing, all of the trolls, who are busily clicking away on their keyboards, are hit by an electrical change and somehow changed into stuffed animals. I’m not sure how this wold happen exactly. Maybe the power lines would fall across the house of a local Satanist who, at that very moment, just happened to be working on some kind of powerful incantation. It doesn’t really matter. The important thing is that they all become stuffed animals, and they all begin making their way to Mark’s house, thinking that he can bring them back. In the process, though, they learn about love, and what really matters in life. So its about their journey to let go of the hate and open themselves up to the idea that there’s more to life than being angry. That’s all I have so far.

  5. Stephen
    Posted October 25, 2016 at 1:47 pm | Permalink

    When you shared the story of the mouse in your house, someone left a comment about a king rat. If you’re looking for suspects, I’d start with him.

  6. Lynne
    Posted October 25, 2016 at 2:27 pm | Permalink

    How do you know that it wasn’t left there by an evil clown?

  7. Kat
    Posted October 25, 2016 at 3:02 pm | Permalink

    What if the evil clown just dropped it there by accident? I hope you didn’t throw it away. If so, he’s going to be pissed.

    FWIW, I like the idea of EOS getting turned into a stuffed animal and adopted by an adorable little black girl like Corduroy the bear.

  8. Natalie
    Posted October 25, 2016 at 3:05 pm | Permalink

    yesterday, when i saw this in good old daylight, i thought maybe just maybe you all had finally parted with a stuffie from clementine’s younger youth. clearly, i was wrong.

  9. Posted October 25, 2016 at 10:19 pm | Permalink

    The last I saw it, Natalie, it had left our yard and moved to yours… hopefully not under its own power.

  10. Posted October 25, 2016 at 10:21 pm | Permalink

    Also, yes, Lynne, we can not rule out the possibility that the perpetrator was an evil clown. Please don’t tell my kids that, though. Apparently the 7th grade is full of rumors these days about evil clowns and what they’ll do to you if they catch you.

  11. Kristin
    Posted October 26, 2016 at 7:33 am | Permalink

    My kid just joined a gang at school designed to provide defense against evil clowns. I was sort of unhappy that they felt like they needed to do that (and they did) but part of the squad activities are pretty serious workouts, and my screen-obsessed child is running laps around the school yard and doing sit-ups at a rate heretofore unseen. Bring on the clowns.

  12. Anonymatt
    Posted October 27, 2016 at 11:50 am | Permalink

    Truly evil clowns leave soiled mattresses.

  13. Posted October 27, 2016 at 12:18 pm | Permalink

    I am in a hotel in Mombasa. It smells of perfume. For some reason, Islamic parts of the world like perfume.

    And ice cream.

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