Sniffing his own hand in North Carolina, Obama says he doesn’t smell sulphur, laying to rest once and for all the rumor that he is a demon

When I heard that Obama, during a speaking engagement in Greensboro, North Carolina yesterday, went out of his way to ensure the crowd that he wasn’t a demon, as someone in the right wing press had apparently just suggested, I felt compelled to know the backstory… Well, it turns out that it was America’s leading conspiracy theorist, Alex Jones, who had shared the shocking revelation just a few days prior. Jones, on his popular daily program, told his followers that both Obama and Clinton smell of sulphur, proving that they are, in fact, demons. Those who are familiar with Jones, who also believes that no children were really shot at Sandy Hook Elementary and sinister forces are breeding a race of “fish people”, likely won’t be shocked by this. What may shock you, however, is the fact that, in spite of these conspiracy theories peddled by Jones, the Republican candidate for President, Donald Trump, appeared on his show not too long ago. And, not only did he appear on the show, but Trump complimented Jones, saying, “Your reputation is amazing.” I know we probably don’t need any more evidence of the fact that we’re living in truly insane times, but, if you ever have any doubt, watch these two videos.

The first is of our President, Barack Obama, sniffing himself for sulphur. The second, produced by a fellow named Todd Dracula, shows a crying Alex Jones breaking down his evidence that the entities we know as Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton are, in reality, demons. [Apparently he’s seen “white papers” that prove they’re monsters that hate children, prosperity, and a number of there things we hold dear as Americans.]

And, this, my friends, is why there’s no way in hell the other intelligent lifeforms in our universe will ever allow us leave the Earth and colonize other planets.

Now, if we could just sniff Trump’s hands…

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13 Comments

  1. Jean Henry
    Posted October 12, 2016 at 9:26 pm | Permalink

    Re-read your headline Mark

  2. Posted October 12, 2016 at 9:30 pm | Permalink

    Glad to have you back, Jean.

  3. Eel
    Posted October 13, 2016 at 6:21 am | Permalink

    Has Trump weighed in on the fish people? How incredible would it have been if Ken Bone had asked about them during the last debate?

  4. Tim
    Posted October 13, 2016 at 8:17 am | Permalink

    Jones has speculated that 90% of his followers are enthusiastic Trump supporters.

  5. iRobert
    Posted October 13, 2016 at 8:21 am | Permalink

    This is terrible news. Apparently, somehow, demons have figured out a way to mask their sulfur smell.

    They still have one tell though; They issue white papers. So that is now the only way we can recognize them anymore.

  6. iRobert
    Posted October 13, 2016 at 8:24 am | Permalink

    If Linda Blair declares her candidacy as an independent for president, she’ll win in a landslide.

  7. John Galt
    Posted October 13, 2016 at 8:31 am | Permalink

    You are so naive. You would actually trust a demon to sniff himself? We need to demand that Obama be chained to the fence in front of the White House so that the American people can sniff him for themselves. Only then will we be sure.

  8. iRobert
    Posted October 13, 2016 at 8:32 am | Permalink

    I don’t trust “The Chosen One” to sniff himself and tell us the truth as to whether or not he smells like sulfur. You’re so gullible, Mark.

    I insist the first lady, Mrs. Obama give us a full report on how the president smells before he’s showered and applied the presidential cologne.

    We need EOS to weigh in on this. He seems like he gets a lot of his news through the Alex Jones show, rather than say getting out of the house once in a while and actually experiencing anything first hand. That’s what your typical Democratic operatives do. That’s how we get so corrupt.

  9. iRobert
    Posted October 13, 2016 at 8:37 am | Permalink

    John Galt beat me to the punch, once again, and his idea is much better than mine. I would have to check the white papers to see if the first lady is also a demon.

    Mark, have you set the difficulty of the math problems required for posting too high? It maybe the reason we haven’t heard from EOS on this one. Math does sort of go hand-in-hand with science.

  10. Eel
    Posted October 13, 2016 at 8:50 am | Permalink

    It might not be a bad fundraising strategy for Trump, given that the money from the GOP is drying up.

    “Sniff the hands of the Pussy Grabber in Chief. $10 right hand. $5 left hand.”

    (Prices double immediately after a beauty pageant.)

  11. Posted October 13, 2016 at 9:22 am | Permalink

    I want to believe that conservative America was right all along, that Obama is a demonic tyrant hell bent on controlling the minds of all Americans.

    Remember all their predictions and how crazy they were?

    Now, they have a person who has real tyrannical aspirations and they are falling all over themselves for him. Amazing.

  12. Posted October 13, 2016 at 9:23 am | Permalink

    Mark, your last sentence reminded me of the Fermi Paradox, one hypothesized solution of which is that advanced space-traveling species exist but choose not contact us (The “Zoo” hypothesis).

    But, to me, this election actually brings to mind another hypothesis, which is that science/technology typically develops more rapidly than the political prowess required to master it and therefor intelligent life is perhaps doomed to destroy itself before it can advance sufficiently to travel the cosmos.

    Depressing either way really.

  13. XXX
    Posted October 13, 2016 at 12:22 pm | Permalink

    I think “Smell my hands, no demonic possession” should be the new “Read my lips, no new taxes.”

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