It’s a good thing that people will be able to bring automatic weapons to the Republican National Convention. You never know when a terrorist might smuggle in a tennis ball or a long piece of string.

IMG_5831

I walked by a television this afternoon that was tuned to Fox News. The man being interviewed, a law enforcement professional of some kind, was explaining that, while people were welcome to bring their semiautomatic rifles to the Republican National Convention in Cleveland next week, police would be confiscating tennis balls and any number of other items. Well, when I got home, I found the list… And, here, for those of you headed to Cleveland for the festivities, are the 72 items banned from the area surrounding the Republican National Convention.

Lumber larger than 2 inches in width and 1/4 of an inch thick
Air rifles
Air pistols
Paintball guns
Blasting caps
Switchblade knives
Automatic knives
Knives having a blade 2.5 inches in length or longer
Cestuses
Billy clubs
Blackjacks
Swords
Sabers
Hatchets
Axes
Slingshots
BB guns
Pellet guns
Wrist shots
Metal knuckles
Nun chucks
Mace
Iron buckles
Axe handles
Shovels
Fireworks
Rockets
Sound amplification equipment
Drones and other unmanned aircraft systems
Containers of bodily fluids
Aerosol cans
Pepper Spray and other chemical irritants
Umbrellas with metal tips
Water guns
Water cannons
Ropes in lengths greater than 6 feet
Chains in lengths greater than 6 feet
Cables in lengths greater than 6 feet
Strappings in lengths greater than 6 feet
Wires in lengths greater than 6 feet
Strings in lengths greater than 6 feet
Lines in lengths greater than 6 feet
Tapes in lengths greater than 6 feet
Glass bottles
Ornaments
Light bulbs
Ceramic vessels
Padlocks
Bicycle locking devices
Chain locks
Gas masks
Tents
Sleeping bags
Sleeping pads
Mattresses
Cots
Hammocks
Bivy sacks
Stoves
Coolers
Ice chests
Backpacks and bags exceeding the size of 18″ x 13″ x 7″
Lasers
Non-plastic containers, bottles, cans, or thermoses
Ladders
Grappling hooks
Sledgehammers
Hammers
Crowbars
Canned goods
Tennis balls

I know I should be writing about how insane it is that tennis balls aren’t allowed while loaded assault rifles are, but all I can think about is how they came to determine that string, when it exceeds 6 feet in length, becomes a security concern. “Was there a meeting,” I wonder, “where string of various lengths was laid out, and a committee determined that 5 feet and 11 inches was safe, but that the additional inch made it deadly?” And how bad does it suck for those of us who love string that the founding fathers didn’t think to enumerate our freedom to cary it in the constitution? I’m temped to go to Cleveland with a 6 foot long piece of sting next week, just so that, when I’m inevitably stopped by officers, I can cut it in half on the sight of someone’s AR-15 and just walk right past them, knowing that, any time I wanted, I could just tie the two pieces back together again and cause all kinds of mayhem…

Also, a cestus is an ancient battle glove. Here’s an example.

Weapons-Cestus-h

No word why maces and iron maidens weren’t mentioned. I guess t’s safe to assume that they’re OK.

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10 Comments

  1. MikeB
    Posted July 16, 2016 at 11:23 pm | Permalink

    #allstringmatters

  2. Anonymous
    Posted July 17, 2016 at 7:07 am | Permalink

    In the movie Scrooged, Ribert Mitchum, who plays a television executive, proposes an idea for a show about a detective that dangles string. He said that it would get their network feline viewers. I’m not sure how this relates to the RNC but I think there must be s connection.

  3. Anonymous
    Posted July 17, 2016 at 7:37 am | Permalink

    I found video of Mitchum.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0Oa5yEq2qvM

  4. Anonymous
    Posted July 17, 2016 at 7:38 am | Permalink

    My theory is that Republicans are concerned that long pieces of string might distract their delegates.

  5. Chris Goosman
    Posted July 17, 2016 at 9:05 am | Permalink

    Maces are right there between nunchucks and iron buckles. Thanks for the cestus description. What the hell is an iron buckle? Or do I have to wear saggy pants while at the convention? (Just kidding, there’s no way I’m going if I can take my string)

  6. Murph
    Posted July 17, 2016 at 9:19 am | Permalink

    Huh. I didn’t know the cestus was in common usage outside dungeons and dragons.

  7. Posted July 17, 2016 at 9:24 pm | Permalink

    If you thought this was nuts, it was just announced that Scott Baio would be accessing the RNC, picking up where Clint Eastwood left off.

    And, damn, Chris, I didn’t see that maces were actually on this list!

  8. Posted July 18, 2016 at 12:42 am | Permalink

    The Democrats claim they don’t intend to take peoples’ guns away, but will be confiscating firearms at the door in Philadelphia. Hypocrisy.

  9. YY
    Posted July 18, 2016 at 10:20 am | Permalink

    You’ll notice that there’s no mention of either splinter guns or alligators.

  10. anonymous
    Posted July 18, 2016 at 10:25 am | Permalink

    Kpingas also didn’t make the list. I plan to be selling them on the street, along with cartons and ammo.

    http://deadliestwarrior.wikia.com/wiki/Kpinga

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