The perfect comic book ending for the 2016 Republican primary

zodiac

I know it’s highly unlikely that Ted Cruz is the Zodiac Killer, and more unlikely still that, if he were, he’d decide to come out of retirement during the upcoming Republican National Convention, but, given how the primary has gone thus far, it really wouldn’t surprise me if he walked out on the stage in Cleveland, heavily armed and wearing a black hood, and gave us the bloody comic book ending to the 2016 presidential race that we Americans so justly deserve. I can picture it all. Cruz licking his thin lips, shiny with the grease of machine gun bacon, with his lizard-like tongue, his black eyes flashing behind his hood as tells the crowd with his first burst of gun fire that they’ll be his slaves in the afterlife“I am not sick, I am insane, but that will not stop the game,” he yells as he climbs upon the back of Donald Trump and begins to ride him through the screaming crowd, gunning people in Chinese-made “Make America Great Again” hats down indiscriminately.

[note: This was written very late at night after having lifted my self-imposed, month-long ban on sugar, wheat, dairy, alcohol, caffeine, processed foods, fried foods, and everything else that makes life worth living. After a few beers and a plate of nachos, I must have drifted off into a dark dream world. When I awoke, I grabbed my computer and started typing.]

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7 Comments

  1. Eel
    Posted May 5, 2016 at 8:10 am | Permalink

    Before he starts firing, he could also say, “My father didn’t kill JFK so that I could come in second place!”

  2. KKT
    Posted May 5, 2016 at 8:39 am | Permalink

    At least Zodiac was a human being. Did you see the video of Cruz on stage trying to hold hands with Fiorina? There’s no way he’s not a lizard in a flesh suit. I’m convinced.

    http://www.mediaite.com/online/just-about-everyone-is-uneasy-over-this-video-of-cruz-and-fiorina-holding-hands/

  3. anonymous
    Posted May 5, 2016 at 10:07 am | Permalink

    I’ve been reading the Zodiac’s letters this morning (thanks for the link) and I notice that on several occasions he says “I will cruse around”. If that’s not conclusive proof as to his identity I don’t now what is.

  4. Posted May 5, 2016 at 10:32 am | Permalink

    Throw in a banshee and a row of dancing girls and I think you’ve got yourself a short film! Let’s go for it!

  5. Steve
    Posted May 5, 2016 at 1:25 pm | Permalink

    I’d be more shocked if he pulled Trump’s wig off. How fucked up is that?

  6. Kit
    Posted May 5, 2016 at 1:35 pm | Permalink

    My only request would be that he lead a naked and hooded Chris Christie around on a leash.

  7. Blastfemmy
    Posted May 6, 2016 at 6:39 am | Permalink

    I’m interested in your month of self denial–did you lose weight/sleep better/have more energy? It sounds like a great way to reboot.

One Trackback

  1. By How I abused my blender and saved my life on May 24, 2016 at 12:10 pm

    […] few weeks ago, as you may remember, I suggested that a particularly horrific dream that I’d had involving Ted Cruz may have come to me because, just a few hours before going to sleep, I’d broken a […]

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