Halloween in Ypsilanti

I’m not sure what it means, but, at some point between 1:00 AM and 4:00 AM this morning, someone left a demonic frog, a bunch of creepy barbie dolls, and a sickly yellow poop covered in what looks like orangutan hair on our front porch. Is this the kind of thing that we’re supposed to report to the FBI?

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In what could possibly be related news, I’ve been informed that our neighborhood will likely see its first trick-or-treaters since 1988… It hadn’t occurred to me, but I guess it makes sense that the first wave of gentrification would be led by entitled toddlers demanding free smarties and candy corn.

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16 Comments

  1. Posted October 31, 2015 at 2:32 pm | Permalink

    And I’m not joking about their being warnings circulating through the neighborhood that this is the year we’ll actually start seeing trick-or-treaters. It’s kind of exciting. We’ve lived here for over 15 years now, and we’ve never seen one. It just doesn’t make good sense to come to this part of town. There’s not enough candy density. We might, at best, have one house per block that’s equipped to dispense candy bars. [Most of our houses over here are student rentals.] But apparently word has tricked down that a small group of trick-or-treating pioneers is going to give it a shot. So now I’m considering my options… Should I be silly, or creepy? And should I reward these kids handsomely for their adventurism, or should I give candy so bad that they never come this way again?

  2. Posted October 31, 2015 at 2:34 pm | Permalink

    And what’s the purpose of covering a hard in poop? Or did it come out that way? Could it be that I have a nemesis that eats hair and poops yellow gelatin?

  3. Posted October 31, 2015 at 2:36 pm | Permalink

    Actually, I read something once about people who do these cleanses where, by the end, they’re pooping a clear jelly kind of substance. I wonder if that’s what we’re dealing with here.

  4. Posted October 31, 2015 at 2:37 pm | Permalink

    In Ann Arbor, if someone reports a suspicious package, they shut down the street and send out a little tank to poke at it. I wonder if they’d do the same thing here, if I reported this frog.

  5. Posted October 31, 2015 at 5:25 pm | Permalink

    It’s like in TheLiving Dead. They come in herds. The first one contained about 10 kids. It was terrifying.

  6. Posted October 31, 2015 at 5:26 pm | Permalink

    I have a basket by the door with three kinds of potatoes. I show them and tell them that they can have whatever kind that they want.

  7. XXX
    Posted November 1, 2015 at 9:57 am | Permalink

    It could have been worse. This woman could have visited your house.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U1TNQr-WzU4

  8. Bob
    Posted November 1, 2015 at 2:01 pm | Permalink

    I’m not an Ypsi basher as a rule, but how can you live in a neighborhood that doesn’t get trick or treaters? That’s just sad. That’s like the sad sack, Peter Larson, misanthrope suburb.

  9. Peter Larson
    Posted November 1, 2015 at 11:34 pm | Permalink

    I’m not sure what I have to do with this.

  10. anonymous
    Posted November 2, 2015 at 10:35 am | Permalink

    I’ve lived in Ann Arbor student neighborhoods that didn’t have trick or treaters.

  11. Posted November 2, 2015 at 9:00 pm | Permalink

    That thing with the hair on it is up there in the creepy factor.

  12. Posted November 2, 2015 at 9:00 pm | Permalink

    I want to go back and look at it again, but I’m afraid it will have morphed into something with a face. And it will want to talk to me. And it will tell me its name. And then it will know me.

  13. Posted November 2, 2015 at 10:15 pm | Permalink

    I scraped the yellow, hairy poop off our doorstep, Patti. If you’d like it, I can send it to you.

  14. Posted November 2, 2015 at 10:16 pm | Permalink

    You can raise it as a pet.

  15. Posted November 2, 2015 at 10:18 pm | Permalink

    Actually, I met a family a few days ago, and they mentioned that their daughter had a moss ball for a pet. And they weren’t kidding. She has a ball of moss that she cares for. We didn’t get into details, but I think they were using it to teach her responsibility… like, if she could care for the moss ball, that she could then move up to a fish.

  16. Posted November 4, 2015 at 10:06 pm | Permalink

    Mark, it would be great if the puppet could deliver it to my home.

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