Considering a career in alternate universe Love Boat fan fiction

Not too long ago, my friend Mike White turned me onto Love Boat Insanity, a Tumblr account dedicated to the exploration of alternate universe Love Boat passengers. It’s not only hilariously funny, but it’s got me thinking seriously about picking half a dozen or so of the individuals who have been proposed thus far, and seeing if I might possibly be able to write a script that successfully brings them all together. [I don’t do sudoko, so I need to find other ways to stay sharp.]


Just looking at the subset of eight that you see here, which was generated randomly, I’ve already got three pretty strong plot lines. My favorite thus far involves a runaway heiress (Camilla Parker Bowles) who, temporarily blinded by eyedrops prescribed by the boat’s doctor (Bernie Kopell) to kill a parasite in her brain, falls in love with an unattractive yet brilliant sociologist (Dr. Zira) who is conducting secret research on behalf of a foreign government on the mating habits of Americans. [The parasite in her brain would be played by the Eraserhead Baby.]


As for Jim Jones and the Kool Aid Man, I’m thinking that Jones would be washed-up televangelist who’d gotten on the Pacific Princess with the intention of killing himself at sea. His plans, however, change when he finds that his room is located right across the corridor from a mascot convention. After a chance encounter with the Kool Aid Man, who he believes is likely a woman, he becomes obsessed with uncovering his/her true identity. But, every time he thinks he’s sure to discover who it is inside the costume, something gets in his way. One time, a pool boy walks by with a towering arm-full of towels, blocking his view. Another time, he thinks he’s got her cornered in a bathroom stall, so he waits outside, only to find that she apparently poops in costume. Finally he gives up trying to figure out the identity of the Kool Aid Man and just accepts that he’s madly in love with whatever happens to be inside the enormous red costume. They leave the boat hand-in-hand without ever having spoken a word, as members of the crew look at one another and smile.

[I can’t find any mention of it on my site, but I’m almost positive that, about five years ago, I tried to coordinate an online Love Boat viewing party, where we’d all watched the same episode on Youtube, starting at the exact same time. Sadly, I don’t recall that many people participated.]

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  1. Peter Larson
    Posted October 27, 2015 at 12:27 am | Permalink

    I always like it when Barbie Benton was on the Love Boat.

  2. anonymous
    Posted October 27, 2015 at 7:12 am | Permalink

    The list of real Love Boat passengers is really incredible. It’s a who’s who of American pop culture.

  3. Eel
    Posted October 27, 2015 at 7:18 am | Permalink

    Every episode of the Love Boat had three stories. According to the formula, there was always one romance, one comedy, one drama. Your Jim Jones story would be the comedy. Your Camilla Parker Bowles story would be the romance. You still need to use the remaining passengers to create a drama.

  4. Arf
    Posted October 27, 2015 at 7:46 am | Permalink

    You have landed squarely in my wheelhouse today, and you will be rewarded. Here are three treats for you.

    Teri Hatcher as one of the Love Boat Mermaids dance troupe brought on to spice the show up toward the end of the series run:

    Andy Warhol on season nine:
    “The plot of the episode concerns a Midwestern housewife played by Marion Ross (yes, Mrs. Cunningham from Happy Days), who is startled to find Warhol on board since she doesn’t want her husband, played by Tom Bosley (aka Mr. Cunningham) to know that in her dark and misty past she hung out at Warhol’s Factory in New York”

    Best Orson Welles quote ever:
    “On my tombstone, I want written, ‘He never did Love Boat!’”

  5. Dan from Austin
    Posted October 27, 2015 at 8:27 am | Permalink

    damn, the early 80s were a dark time. The Mermaids are execrable.
    I like your concept Mark. For the new script and for a group viewing.
    This game could also be played with Fantady Island for what that’s worth.

  6. 734
    Posted October 27, 2015 at 9:08 am | Permalink

    Your drama plot would be Angela Davis trying to leave the country, hiding from authorities (Frank Purdue and Ultraman).

  7. Jason Kosnoski
    Posted October 27, 2015 at 9:27 am | Permalink

    Angela Davis is visiting my school next semester–I will be sure to ask her if all those rumors about what Perdue REALLY did with his chickens are true.

  8. Steven
    Posted October 27, 2015 at 9:29 am | Permalink

    Frank Purdue is smuggling crack inside his chickens on behalf of the US government in order to destroy American’s inner cities.

  9. Adam
    Posted May 30, 2016 at 8:26 pm | Permalink

    LOL! I stumbled across this looking for the eraserhead baby love boat one. I created that one last year, I shared it with Love Boat Insanity, it got over 1000 hits within the first 4 days.

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