Might Obama have plans to “jade helm” Ypsilanti as well as well as Texas?


Does anyone else find it odd that, after sitting vacant for over a dozen years, we now, almost overnight, have a new dollar store on Water Street? I know the government’s secret, troop-moving tunnel infrastructure is just supposed to connect Walmarts in the southwest, but might it not be possible that the recently-discovered Jade Helm initiative has a rust belt dollar store component as well?

Maybe we should ask Rick Snyder to send the Michigan National Guard into Family Dollar and have them dig up the floor, just in case members of Obama’s secret black army are hiding down there, awaiting the signal to dig the last few feet to the surface and cart us of to government reeducation camps… I know it’s unlikely, but isn’t it better to be safe than sorry?

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  1. Anonymous
    Posted May 8, 2015 at 5:03 am | Permalink

    I thought I heard some scratching beneath the Planters Cheese Balls endcap.

  2. Meta
    Posted May 8, 2015 at 5:40 am | Permalink

    The Washington Post found the real Jade Helm and asked her what’s up.

    Helm doesn’t have an opinion on the conspiracy theory itself, probably in part because she’s tired of the whole thing. “The lowest point was when I saw a Mr. Rogers meme about Jade Helm — of course posted on my Facebook timeline by one of my helpful friends,” Helm said. “This was not how I hoped to be associated with Mr. Rogers.”

    The rationale for the names of military exercises can be inscrutable, but I asked Helm if she had any guess why the military settled on her name for this operation. “Maybe they chose Jade Helm because it is a kick-ass name,” she replied. “They could have asked, though.”

    Read more:

  3. Dan Blakeney
    Posted May 8, 2015 at 7:36 am | Permalink

    Wasn’t Texas going to secede? Could they hurry up?

  4. John Galt
    Posted May 8, 2015 at 8:32 am | Permalink

    You have no right to impose your reality on others. If we want to believe that hundreds of thousands of troops are massing underground waiting for Obama to give the word so they can pop out and take the guns of ever man, woman and child in the Southwest, that’s our business, and you cannot stop us. This is still America.


  5. XXX
    Posted May 8, 2015 at 9:28 am | Permalink

    I can feel Obama’s militant black army beneath my feet, and I’m terrified.

  6. Eel
    Posted May 8, 2015 at 10:45 am | Permalink

    The troops will be led by the most vicious of Obama’s special forces teams, the Prancing Elites.


  7. Lynne
    Posted May 8, 2015 at 11:19 am | Permalink

    What I find most interesting about this whole thing is that the exact same people who are so freaked out about Jade Helm stuff seem to be the folks who are the biggest supporters of things like the Patriot Act and all of the domestic spying that is going on. It is like how the same people who are most worried about Sharia Law being allowed are the first people to pass religious freedom laws. It boggles my mind.

  8. Bob Krzewinski
    Posted May 11, 2015 at 6:13 am | Permalink

    The Ann Arbor downtown “Ambassador” program was also part of Jade Helm, thwarted by the always insightful, deep thinking, online commenters of the Ann Arbor News.

  9. Paranoid Fuck
    Posted May 11, 2015 at 9:09 am | Permalink

    What is Jade Helm anyway?

  10. Lynne
    Posted May 11, 2015 at 9:49 am | Permalink


  11. Paranoid Fuck
    Posted May 11, 2015 at 10:32 am | Permalink

    Oh, I know what it is Lynne, I was just hopping that one of you enlightened folks would tell me your interpretation of what it is.

  12. Lynne
    Posted May 11, 2015 at 1:21 pm | Permalink

    Oh. My interpretation of it is that a lot of people have been going bat shit crazy because they think that some military exercises are a sign that the government is getting ready to establish martial law. It is also a real opportunity for the person whose name is “Jade Helm” to do whatever she wants since if you google her name, all you get is pages and pages of conspiracy theory.

    “Jade Helm 15” is simply the code name of the operation.

  13. Posted May 24, 2015 at 7:56 pm | Permalink

    The REAL question is how can a construction company throw up a new store in a couple of weeks, while a 100 yard section of road will be under construction for three quarters of a year or longer?

  14. Anonymous
    Posted May 3, 2018 at 6:48 pm | Permalink

    Guess what?



    The Texas Tribune:

    Hysteria over Jade Helm exercise in Texas was fueled by Russians, former CIA director says.

    Gov. Greg Abbott’s decision in 2015 to ask the Texas State Guard to monitor a federal military exercise prompted significant criticism. A former CIA director said Wednesday that the move emboldened Russians to next target elections.


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  1. […] that all bad drivers should be banished to Ypsilanti. Or, worse yet, maybe this is all part of the Jade Helm rollout. Maybe Ypsilanti’s been designated as the location of the federal Bad Driver […]

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