How to have more satisfying sex without actually reading the articles promising to show you how

I woke up this morning with an idea for a new series on this site. I’m going to start aggregating articles on how to have better sex from magazines like Cosmo, and online sources like Alternet, and seeing if I can figure out the main lessons they’re trying to convey based solely on an analysis of the accompanying photos, without even looking at the text. Here’s my first attempt…

Apparently orgasms are more satisfying when you share fruit.

Screen shot 2014-09-06 at 8.29.19 AM

So, if you’re suffering from lackluster orgasms, be sure to check back often.

Oh, and, here, for those of you who have been banned from Facebook, are the first comments left by my “friends” in response to this new initiative of mine. I think they’re pretty awesome.

Screen shot 2014-09-06 at 8.30.03 AM

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  1. Posted September 6, 2014 at 7:44 am | Permalink

    I need to come up with a good name for this meme. Any ideas?

  2. Leon
    Posted September 6, 2014 at 9:32 am | Permalink

    That apple’s going straight up his butt.

  3. Hans
    Posted September 6, 2014 at 2:03 pm | Permalink

    If I could bag Penelope Cruz with just a granny smith, I’d be all over that shit, too.

  4. Josh S
    Posted September 6, 2014 at 2:48 pm | Permalink

    Grow a sex goatee. Groom your facial hair into the most erotic of shapes, a shrub on your lower chin. More advanced erotonauts may attempt a “Van Dyke,” which is like a goatee but trips on a rug. If you’re unable to grow one on your own, use spirit gum and weasel hair.

  5. Posted September 6, 2014 at 4:04 pm | Permalink

    I have a vague memory of talking with someone at the UM hospital several years ago about a fellow who showed up in the emergency room one night with an apple up his ass. That wasn’t the weird thing, though. The weird thing was that the apple was wrapped up in tinfoil.

    Maybe he wanted to eat it later.

  6. Head
    Posted September 6, 2014 at 8:22 pm | Permalink

    I’m tempted to google “lackluster orgasms” but I’m at work. I desperately want it to be a porn genre though.

  7. Eel
    Posted September 7, 2014 at 8:11 am | Permalink

    Starve your partner and then tease her with food.

  8. Eel
    Posted September 7, 2014 at 8:13 am | Permalink

    Also ‘Lackluster Orgasm’ was my favorite Billy Squire album.

  9. Eel
    Posted September 7, 2014 at 8:15 am | Permalink

    “Use your mind to force your partners spaghetti straps from her shoulders.”

  10. Dr. X
    Posted September 7, 2014 at 12:57 pm | Permalink

    I’ve always considered Peter Larson to be more of a footstool .

  11. Posted September 7, 2014 at 10:19 pm | Permalink


  12. Matt Posky
    Posted September 8, 2014 at 7:31 am | Permalink

    I read the article and it was all “choke this” and “go to the bathroom on that.”

    It was very progressive.

  13. js
    Posted September 9, 2014 at 1:37 pm | Permalink

    “Use your mind to force your partners spaghetti straps from her shoulders.”

    From Uri Geller’s Spoonbending for Couples.

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