The beautiful people of Fakebook, and the fantastic products that they promote

An attractive young woman just moved to Ann Arbor, and, like most attractive young women when they arrive in a new town, she started a new Facebook account, posted a few photos of herself jumping around in a thong, and requested that I be her friend.

A man more cynical than myself might look at her Facebook page and think it’s a scam, especially given how her only two posts seem to be promoting a local bar with quite a few negative online reviews, but I’m not so sure. Something about the way she looks in that photo of her and her friends having that pillow fight in their panties tells me that she’s probably the real deal. And, it could just be a coincidence that, every time she posts, she mentions the Great Baraboo Brewing Company in Roseville, right?


In spite of the sincerity which comes across in the pillow fighting photos I noted earlier, I was tempted to say that it was bullshit, but then I remembered Christian Wolfcock, the ruggedly handsome single philanthropist who recently moved to Ann Arbor and insists on mentioning my blog in all of his social media updates. While many have speculated that he may be nothing more than a pathetic attempt on my part to lure single older women to my site, in order to appease my advertisers at Bed Bath and Beyond, nothing could be further from the truth. And, with that in mind, I’ve decided to happily accept this thong-loving young woman’s offer of friendship.

Wolfcock, for those of you who don’t know him, is a 62 year old widower, who recently relocated to Ann Arbor to accept an appointment at a prestigious local university, where, since September, he’s been lecturing about his work with the likes of Oprah and Angelina Jolie to solve the most pressing problems facing humanity. (He also leads a group at his church that bakes muffins for homeless children.) He tries his best to keep busy, but, the sad truth is, he’s lonely, and just wants to find a special woman to cook for and share both his bed and his considerable fortune with. Here are the first few updates he’s posted.


Be sure to tell your moms and grandmoms to friend him on Fakebook!

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  1. Manti Te'o's girlfriend
    Posted March 10, 2014 at 6:59 am | Permalink

    I LOVE Big Baraboo Brewing Company in Roseville!

  2. Christian Wolfcock
    Posted March 10, 2014 at 8:14 am | Permalink

    Imagine my surprise when, after completing me extensive exercise regime and trimming my beard, I sat down on my bed to check in on and found this delightful post. This is going to be a truly splendid day.

  3. Jean Henry
    Posted March 10, 2014 at 8:43 am | Permalink

    As a divorced 48 year old mom of 2, I can guarantee you I am too old for this hypothetical 62 year old man. His profile will appeal to women younger than me, whom he would no doubt seek. (This is not resentment, just the numbers) If you want to appeal to the hearty women of middle age, your best bet is to have him whine about how younger women bore him, and he is looking for a woman with her own mind and income who is comfortable in her own skin. He could also brag about how much he loves to do housework and stay home. Yep, that would work.

  4. Christian Wolfcock
    Posted March 10, 2014 at 9:11 am | Permalink

    You took the words right out of my mouth, Jean. I’d love to meet more women like these that you describe, and assist in any housecleaning chores they might have. Perhaps you could invite them to start leaving comments on

  5. anonymous
    Posted March 10, 2014 at 10:49 am | Permalink

    Seems pretty ballsy for a local bar to try shit like this. You should call them and interview them.

  6. Kristin
    Posted March 10, 2014 at 11:30 am | Permalink

    Mmmmmmmmm… White beards!

  7. Elf
    Posted March 10, 2014 at 12:54 pm | Permalink

    All of the good reviews of that restaurant in Roseville are from people with new accounts who have never reviewed other businesses.

  8. Brandon
    Posted March 10, 2014 at 4:28 pm | Permalink

    a surprising number of Yelp Elites like the place is the thing

  9. Posted March 10, 2014 at 8:33 pm | Permalink

    Thank you, Christian. And best of luck finding love among the hearty women of middle age who, no doubt, will soon be flocking to this page… As for Baraboo, who knows what the fuck is up. Maybe they’re not behind the fake Facebook page, or maybe they are and just did it as a joke, or maybe it’s the work of someone who loves the place and thinks he’s helping, or maybe they gave some stupid millenial a thousand bucks to run a social media campaign. Regardless, I find it incredibly interesting. I’m used to fake Facebook accounts, created by people who want to get at my money. I’m just not used to them being so local.

  10. Posted March 10, 2014 at 8:53 pm | Permalink

  11. Matt Posky
    Posted March 11, 2014 at 4:00 pm | Permalink

    This is one of your most enjoyable posts of 2014. Also just comment on like six wordpress websites and watch the older single moms pour into your blog. It worked for me…. like a “be careful for what you wish for” episode of the Twilight Zone.

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