Spare the slut, Shame the tongue… My thoughts on Miley Cyrus

The first thing I said when I heard about Miley Cyrus’s performance at last night’s MTV Video Music Awards was, “I wonder what form the resulting meme will take?” Well, just a few hours later, I got my answer…

anigif_enhanced-buzz-3875-1377540393-16

The animated, tongue-out twerking of famous works of art, as though each were the crotch of Robin Thicke… One just hopes she gets her madly twerking ass over to Piss Christ before the meme runs out of steam.

And, that’s not all. There are also a slew of “reaction shots” making their way around the internet, some of which appear to be legitimate, and some of which probably aren’t.

[Do yourself a favor and click that last link.]

I was hoping for a meme that was more tongue-related, but I guess these will have to do.

Speaking of the tongue thing, that was my only real issue with the performance. I could care less if she wants to shake her ass and simulate sex. She can do what she wants… After she did those Annie Leibovitz photos a few years back, her trajectory, I think, became kind of clear. Not content to cede her stardom, and join the ranks of other has-been child stars, she made the choice to go adult in a big way, and America saw the shock-and-awe endgame play out last night. And, like I said, that’s fine with me. She’s an adult, and, if she wants to undergo a desperate, uncomfortable, and very public exercise in corporate rebranding, so-be-it. I don’t care if she wants to have sex, be sexy, whatever. It’s her choice. The tongue thing, though, just looked incredibly awkward, painful and forced.

I know it’s going to sound like a weird analogy, but it looked to me like the tongue of a person who, trapped in rubble, was trying to reach a cell phone, and, without the use of other limbs, was forced to resort to his/her tongue. There was a certain kind of terror about it… like, if she couldn’t get out another millimeter of tongue, that something very, very bad was going to happen.

And, to my friend who said that, by sharing this tongue rant of mine, I’m engaging in “slut shaming,” no I’m not. There was nothing even remotely sexual about what she was doing with her tongue. If Woody Allen had leaped from the innards of a giant stuffed animal as though he were being yanked out by his tongue, guess what? I still would have mentioned it. This has nothing to do with what she was wearing, her age, her sex, the fact that she was wiggling her ass in front of a choreographed army of pedobears, or fingering herself with a giant, foam “We’re Number One!” finger. Sure, I thought it wreaked of desperation, but what doesn’t these days? We’re all desperate. We all want to be loved. We all want people to write about us, and engage with us, and think we’re clever and/or sexy. That’s what it means to be human in today’s terribly insecure world. Yeah, it’s sick, but I’m OK with it… as long, that is, as people keep their tongues out of their ears. That’s apparently where I draw the line.

Oh, and I also coined a new phrase today: “twerkercise”

Look for it. It’s going to be huge.

And, yes, before you go to the trouble of pointing it out to me, I’m well aware of the fact that I chose to write about a pop star’s tongue tonight instead of the crisis in Syria. I flipped a coin and the world lost. So it goes.

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21 Comments

  1. anonymous
    Posted August 27, 2013 at 7:39 am | Permalink

    The tongue controls her. She’s like one of those fish with the parasite tongues.

  2. anonymous
    Posted August 27, 2013 at 7:41 am | Permalink

    Cymothoa Exigua:

    http://phenomena.nationalgeographic.com/2013/02/28/tongue-eating-fish-parasites-never-cease-to-amaze/

  3. Eel
    Posted August 27, 2013 at 8:06 am | Permalink

    If you’ve got a tongue-phobia, don’t click the next link.

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=OfF12YSbblw

  4. frog bottom
    Posted August 27, 2013 at 9:41 am | Permalink

    A better photo than the one you linked to.

    http://blog.zap2it.com/pop2it/miley-cyrus-beetlejuice-mtv-vma-2013-tumblr.jpg

  5. double anonymous
    Posted August 27, 2013 at 10:22 am | Permalink

    Gene Simmons’ tongue made the news today too.

    http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/08/26/farrah-abraham-bikini_n_3817733.html

  6. XXX
    Posted August 27, 2013 at 10:45 am | Permalink

    David Lynch is responsible for everything we saw on that stage.

    From a 2011 article. (http://www.avclub.com/articles/billy-ray-cyrus-says-the-devil-and-david-lynch-des,51867/)

    Although Miley Cyrus always seems able to LOL at her supposed controversies, her father Billy Ray fears she could be on the same path of self-destruction as Kurt Cobain, Anna Nicole Smith, and Michael Jackson, telling GQ in a miserable, paranoia-laden interview (titled “Mr. Hannah Montana’s Achy Breaky Heart”) that he’s become “scared for her”—not least because he has “no doubt” that his family is being “attacked by Satan.” Because, you know, Cyrus has been called out for dressing slightly risqué and also for hitting a bong on YouTube. Curse you and your fine print, Lucifer! Is there no end to your trickery? etc.

    Anyway, among those apparently to blame for bringing the devil into their lives: David Lynch, who cast Billy Ray in Mulholland Drive, thereby landing him a part in the medical drama Doc where Miley first honed her acting skills, and thus setting them on the path that would lead them forever astray. “Were it not for David Lynch,” Cyrus avers, “Miley never would have been Hannah Montana.” Never mind that being Hannah Montana seems to have worked out pretty great for the whole Cyrus family—although Billy Ray (who’s collected several million dollars for co-starring as her father on the series, as well as for producing the Hannah Montana movie, as well as for being able to tour bigger venues thanks to his reinvigorated profile, etc.) claims, “For the record, to set it straight, I want to tell you: I’ve never made a dime off of Miley. You got a lot of people have made percentages off of her. I’m proud to say to this day I’ve never made one commissioned dollar, or dime, off of my daughter.” Semantics! Also, his music career probably would have experienced a revival all by itself, too. But thanks to David Lynch, we’ll never know.

  7. Dot
    Posted August 27, 2013 at 12:06 pm | Permalink

    There are things in this world more terrifying that tongues, even robotic cow tongues.

    http://imgur.com/a/xre6M

  8. KT
    Posted August 27, 2013 at 2:51 pm | Permalink

    Using kids in the entertainment industry should be illegal. It rarely ends well. Ask the kids of Different Strokes.

    Or the girl who played Pipi Longstocking.

    http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/08/27/pippi-longstocking-tami-erin-sex-tape_n_3821859.html

  9. Posted August 27, 2013 at 5:08 pm | Permalink

    “I’m well aware of the fact that I chose to write about a pop star’s tongue tonight instead of the crisis in Syria”

    Perhaps this will help: Miley Twerking On Things We Should Talk About

  10. Posted August 27, 2013 at 7:37 pm | Permalink

    Thank you, Murph. My faith in humanity is restored… Finally the meme I knew that humanity was capable of!

  11. Posted August 27, 2013 at 7:38 pm | Permalink

    And I love knowing that we have David Lynch to thank for all of this.

  12. Yikes
    Posted August 28, 2013 at 9:22 am | Permalink

    http://imgur.com/Ql2QQlR

  13. Robert
    Posted August 28, 2013 at 11:34 am | Permalink

    If Billy Rae Cyrus and/or Alan Thicke are found hacked to death, I’m going to need an alibi. EOS, will you say you saw me all day hiding in the bushes outside your place?

  14. EOS
    Posted August 28, 2013 at 11:51 am | Permalink

    Nope. I don’t know where you have been hiding. Still waiting for your economic analysis on the other thread.

  15. Fred
    Posted August 28, 2013 at 2:56 pm | Permalink

    I need a video of Robert and EOS reenacting the Cyrus/Thicke dance. Someone make it happen ASAP.

  16. Eel
    Posted September 7, 2013 at 8:03 am | Permalink

    There’s now a diagnosis. She suffers from “infinite tongue”.

    http://www.mileycyrustongue.com/

  17. Robert
    Posted September 8, 2013 at 3:30 pm | Permalink

    Fred, here is a video almost as good as what you asked for:

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CddMD3QqTFs

  18. Believe
    Posted September 13, 2013 at 3:09 pm | Permalink

    “She has shown what she is acting like a devil flicking that tongue as deamons do.”

  19. XXX
    Posted December 23, 2013 at 11:58 am | Permalink

    Speaking of Miley and her tongue, did you see her in the Christmas Story reboot?

    http://imgur.com/HMZigvg

  20. Eel
    Posted March 14, 2014 at 8:33 am | Permalink

    Did you know that, on her current tour, Miley makes her entrance through a giant mouth hole, sliding onto the stage on a giant tongue?

    http://perezhilton.com/2014-03-13-miley-cyrus-giant-tongue-slide-lawsuit-file-sue-bangerz-tour#.UyMBryRliGo

  21. Eel
    Posted May 12, 2015 at 7:57 am | Permalink

    The Miley contagion has spread to Michigan.

    http://gawker.com/damn-this-girls-tongue-is-long-as-hell-1703833703

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