Auditioning for The New Yorker

Every so often, on Facebook, Roger Ebert posts his submissions to The New Yorker’s weekly Cartoon Caption Contest. I’ve never given it a shot, as I don’t think I really have a handle on the editorial voice of The New Yorker, but, as I’m laying in bed sick at the moment, with nothing better to do, I’m thinking about giving it a shot. Here’s this week’s cartoon, followed by a few of my preliminary ideas.

OK, here are my ideas thus far:

“This isn’t nearly as erotic as I’d imagined.”

“When I started at this company 30 years ago, in the mail room, I dreamed of this moment.”

“When I turn back around, I expect to hear an apology from whomever it was that moved my cheese.”

Dorian Hudson leads his staff into the uncharted waters of the Seventh Sigma.

The mandates of Obamacare had not ruined the company outright, as the board had projected, but no one looked forward to mole-check Mondays.

The first graduate of the Lyndon Johnson School of Management surveys the world of opportunities before him, and prepares to put his years of training into action.

“And that, I believe, should answer your question as to why I’m the CEO of this company.”

“How dare the government tell me how to operate Domino’s Farms.”

Sorry about the last one, but I just can’t get yesterday’s disturbing post about Tom Monaghan’s desire to maintain a condom-free workplace out of my mind.

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28 Comments

  1. Peter
    Posted March 18, 2013 at 10:37 pm | Permalink

    Those are all far too funny to make the New Yorker.

  2. donna
    Posted March 18, 2013 at 11:58 pm | Permalink

    i like the seventh sigma one.

  3. Anonymatt
    Posted March 19, 2013 at 6:21 am | Permalink

    As usual, “Christ, what an asshole!” works as a caption.

  4. Alan Stamm
    Posted March 19, 2013 at 6:28 am | Permalink

    Not bad for Creating While Sick. I’m with Donna on Seventh Sigma and also like the second one, Mark.

    You should submit either of those if entry deadline hasn’t passed.

    That said, some frankness: No. 3 isn’t funny and the last two are too wordy. But hey, I didn’t craft any.

    Everyone’s a critic, as you surely know.

  5. Posted March 19, 2013 at 6:39 am | Permalink

    “You might not want one on your penis, but you *need* one over your mouth.”

  6. Edward
    Posted March 19, 2013 at 8:12 am | Permalink

    The “Who Moved My Cheese” one was clearly a reference to the stupid book on management. The joke, I’m guessing, is that someone actually moved his cheese, and he made the disrobe in order to find it.

    Comedy is better when it’s explained.

  7. Edward
    Posted March 19, 2013 at 8:13 am | Permalink

    Link:

    http://www.whomovedmycheese.com

  8. Mr. X
    Posted March 19, 2013 at 8:29 am | Permalink

    “First we get rid of the Big Gulps.”

  9. Tom Monaghan
    Posted March 19, 2013 at 8:39 am | Permalink

    “Only your hands are beneath the table, Peter. Don’t you dare waste your seed on an Eames chair.”

  10. Meta
    Posted March 19, 2013 at 9:08 am | Permalink

    Weird, I was just reading about the New Yorker.

    http://www.thereviewreview.net/publishing-tips/new-yorker-rejects-itself-quasi-scientific-a

  11. Snark Monster 7
    Posted March 19, 2013 at 9:15 am | Permalink

    “First they came for our Big Gulps. Then they came for our logo-emblazoned clothing items.”

  12. Tom Monaghan
    Posted March 19, 2013 at 11:55 am | Permalink

    “Can any of you guess how many times I’ve watched Cremaster 5?”

  13. Tom Monaghan
    Posted March 19, 2013 at 12:36 pm | Permalink

    “When I turn around, you’re going to glimpse what my priest used to call ‘frozen ectoplasm.’ “

  14. Bob
    Posted March 19, 2013 at 1:44 pm | Permalink

    Being consistently not funny is the New Yorker’s editorial goal for cartoons.

  15. Felix
    Posted March 19, 2013 at 1:52 pm | Permalink

    Now, let’s try the exercise again, this time with the understanding that the comic in question would appear in “Hustler” and not “The New Yorker.”

  16. Knox
    Posted March 19, 2013 at 2:10 pm | Permalink

    Extremely Relevant:

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=imKEv7FkjTU

    (SFW: Nude Bomb, Don Adams)

  17. Murf
    Posted March 19, 2013 at 2:16 pm | Permalink

    I vote for the cheese one. That made me literally LOL and I didn’t need it explained to me!

  18. anonymous
    Posted March 19, 2013 at 2:25 pm | Permalink

    Murph did you forget how to spell your name?

  19. Mr. Y
    Posted March 19, 2013 at 3:37 pm | Permalink

    After a hard day of fucking the American people, the investment bankers have no energy left for one another.

  20. Tammy
    Posted March 19, 2013 at 5:31 pm | Permalink

    “Albert, I didn’t know you could see the Chop House from the McKinley Centre.”

  21. Watching Ypsi
    Posted March 19, 2013 at 6:36 pm | Permalink

    Mr. Y,

    Yes, indeed.

  22. Marie
    Posted March 19, 2013 at 8:34 pm | Permalink

    I’m with Murf; the cheese one made me crack up. I love them all though. And Peter is right, they are too funny for the New Yorker.

  23. Robert
    Posted March 19, 2013 at 11:15 pm | Permalink

    How ’bout “It’s possible our Fridays have become too casual.”

  24. Posted March 20, 2013 at 8:21 am | Permalink

    The funniest thing about this cartoon is that it’s 2013, and the New Yorker is still too timid and middlebrow to show naked people with nipples and genitals.

  25. anonymous
    Posted March 20, 2013 at 8:48 am | Permalink

    “Can we have our nipples back?”

  26. Tim
    Posted March 20, 2013 at 8:55 am | Permalink

    “Casual Friday gives way to casual sex Friday.”

  27. Posted March 22, 2013 at 7:00 am | Permalink

    I think Robert’s suggestion is the most The New Yorker-esque.

  28. Robert
    Posted March 23, 2013 at 7:11 pm | Permalink

    Yes cmadler. I think Mark’s captions are too cerebral. The New Yorker doesn’t put that much depth in their cartoon captions. They know better. They don’t want to lose anybody.

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