To the gentleman in the Panera restroom, I’m sorry if I terrified and/or aroused you

As I try to narrate everything possible for the benefit of my 10 month old son, Arlo, I constantly find myself saying things that I wouldn’t normally say in the course of an ordinary day. I say things like, “Daddy is fully extending his pale, white arm, to scratch the ear of the old, grey cat that we call Nona.” I realize that it must sound incredibly stupid to those around me, but, as I’m convinced that it’s making him smarter, I keep doing it. Well, this weekend, while making our way back from Chicago, I found myself holding my son in one arm, while standing at the urinal of a western Michigan Panera. And, after scanning the room quickly for folks who may not appreciate incredibly detailed urination commentary, I went into play-by-play mode. “Daddy is taking out his penis with his right hand,” I said slowly, clearly articulating every syllable, as he looked on silently. And, it was at that moment, that I heard a tiny, muffled cough from behind me, emanating from one of the stalls. I should have immediately addressed the fellow, saying something like, “You can’t hear him, but I’m holding a baby right now, and I think that it’s important for him to understand the steps involved in male urination,” but instead I just continued on with the act in silence, allowing the man on the other side of the thin, metal door to imagine the worst, as he struggled to shit out his sausage asiago bagel. And I’m truly sorry about that.

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15 Comments

  1. anonymous
    Posted October 9, 2012 at 10:09 pm | Permalink

    Someone should tell this man that he can come out of his stall.

  2. Lumbergrl
    Posted October 10, 2012 at 4:33 am | Permalink

    Oh that is funny! The narration is so much better than what I did when mine was little, which was try and come up with meaningful dialogue that was really monologue. I wish I could find that guy’s blog.

  3. Edward
    Posted October 10, 2012 at 5:49 am | Permalink

    What would have followed, had you not be interrupted? “Now the yellow pee pee is flowing from the tip of daddy’s penis with considerable force”?

  4. koosh
    Posted October 10, 2012 at 7:34 am | Permalink

    the only time you should ever utter the words ‘taking out my penis’ and ‘daddy’ in the same sentence is when you are getting intimate with your much younger girlfriend who has issues with her father.

    the last place you want to say ‘daddy is taking out his penis’ is in a truck stop restroom. i am 100% positive larry craig said those same words right before his arrest in 2007.

    consider yourself lucky.

  5. anonymous
    Posted October 10, 2012 at 8:13 am | Permalink

    “And, this, my beautiful young son, is the stuff that Karen Maurer’s dreams are made of.”

    Reference-
    http://markmaynard.com/2012/01/in-defense-of-my-majestic-penis/

  6. Eel
    Posted October 10, 2012 at 8:36 am | Permalink

    Better that you were at the urinal, than in the stall, going on and on about how you feel poo poo moving through your bowels.

  7. Mr. X
    Posted October 10, 2012 at 9:29 am | Permalink

    I’m tempted to see what comes up if I Google “Daddy is taking out his penis” but I’m afraid of what I might find.

  8. Rose
    Posted October 10, 2012 at 9:38 am | Permalink

    You shouldn’t be allowed around children. You have a mental disorder. I don’t trust you. I’m check “Sex Offenders” in Michigan.

  9. anonymous
    Posted October 10, 2012 at 10:09 am | Permalink

    Me thinks comments like this one from Rose are inevitable when you reference Karen Maurer’s unhealthy fascination with blogger cock.

  10. Mr. X
    Posted October 10, 2012 at 10:42 am | Permalink

    Yes, only a monster would say the word penis to a baby boy.

  11. Anonymous Mike
    Posted October 10, 2012 at 1:03 pm | Permalink

    Explaining to your child how people urinate = Child molestation

  12. Lil Detective
    Posted October 10, 2012 at 2:14 pm | Permalink

    Your cover has been blown, Rose.

    http://www.reactiongifs.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/04/awesome.gif

  13. Andy Cameron
    Posted October 10, 2012 at 7:56 pm | Permalink

    I’m check too.

  14. Posted October 11, 2012 at 3:30 pm | Permalink

    http://www.nytimes.com/2012/10/07/nyregion/for-poor-schoolchildren-a-poverty-of-words.html?_r=2&

  15. Tom Oakley
    Posted May 4, 2013 at 2:03 am | Permalink

    Thank you for posting this explanation. I’d been puzzled by this encounter of ours for some time. Finally, this morning, I awoke and decided to see if the internet could provide an answer. As for my feelings at the time, I was both terrified AND aroused. It was weird. I thought my life was about to end, but I also had an erection. It was the damndest thing.

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