Let’s buy Fred Willard a VCR

One of my favorite actors was arrested last night, for masturbating in an adult theater. Fred Willard, who has done brilliant work on television shows like Fernwood Tonight and Real People, and in films such as Best in Show and This is Spinal Tap, was apparently swept up in a raid by undercover officers in the Hollywood vice unit. According to reports, the three movies in rotation at the time of his arrest were, “Follow Me 2,” “Step Dad 2,” and a XXX parody of the Jennifer Love Hewitt Lifetime series, “The Client List”.

Well, it crossed my mind, when I read this story, that it would probably be relatively easy to collect a little bit of money and send the 76 year old actor a VCR, so that he could, from here on out, avoid places like the Tiki Theater. So, I started taking up a collection among friends. As of right now, we still have $0, but I’m sure that, as we head into the weekend, and people start thinking more about masturbation, and Willard’s contributions to popular culture, that we’ll pick up steam. (I may even set up a table at Saturday’s Shadow Art Fair to promote the cause, if I have to.)

Here’s the information, if you’d like to contribute toward a worthy cause.

And, yeah, I realize that we could probably just send him an Internet Porn for Dummies book, which would be cheaper, but I like the idea of sending a VCR. I think he’d appreciate it more… especially if we threw in a few videos. (I just checked on a whim, and there’s a porn series called “Spinal Tap,” but it doesn’t seem to be a parody. Sadly, however, no one has thought to pornify Fernwood Tonight.)

As for the amount I’m looking to raise, I just took a guess, having done a bit of research into what it would cost to buy a new VCR and ship it to California. We could likely do this for less than $125, though, if people had VCRs and videotapes to donate. If you happen to have either, let me know.

And, it’s worth pointing out that this isn’t just about watching dirty movies. This is about life and death. If you don’t believe me, just ask the ghost of Earnest “masturbation is what kept me alive so long” Borgnine.

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18 Comments

  1. anonymous
    Posted July 19, 2012 at 10:49 pm | Permalink

    DVD players are cheaper, but I agree that he’d likely appreciate a VCR more.

    Not that the post needs it, but, if you wanted to put a topical, political twist on this, it’s being reported today that Romney would make cracking down on porn a priority if he were to win in November.

    http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/07/19/mitt-romney-aide-promises_n_1687210.html

  2. Edward
    Posted July 19, 2012 at 11:09 pm | Permalink

    I think it would be like the end of It’s a Wonderful Life, when George realizes just how many people in his life care about him. I can picture Willard opening the box from Ypsilanti and weeping.

  3. josh
    Posted July 20, 2012 at 12:04 am | Permalink

    Fred Willard can masturbate whereever he likes: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D421N6xlisg

  4. Posted July 20, 2012 at 12:48 am | Permalink

    Real People was an awesome fucking show. It was no That’s Incredible, but it was far better than Those Amazing Animals.

    I can’t make SAF Mark, but please put me down for a $5 donation. I’m serious. I can even Braille out a little note for Fred, because people really really like Braille.

  5. ChelseaL
    Posted July 20, 2012 at 4:50 am | Permalink

    So…why are porn theaters legal, if what takes place in them is not? I haven’t looked this up, but will assume that opium dens, “shooting galleries,” meth labs and crack houses are all legal, as long as no drug use happens there.

  6. SparkleMotion
    Posted July 20, 2012 at 6:32 am | Permalink

    I think we got this all wrong. This accomplished method actor is obviously doing research for his starring role in the upcoming Pee Wee Herman biopic.

  7. Eel
    Posted July 20, 2012 at 7:04 am | Permalink

    Actually, his next film, if you believe TMZ, is a film called “The Yank.” So this very well could have been research.

  8. MarkH
    Posted July 20, 2012 at 7:31 am | Permalink

    Instead of a VCR or DVD player, let’s give him a yearly subscription to Brazzers.com. It’s only $119 a year, and as we’ve discussed many times over beers, it’s well worth the price of admission.

  9. Mr. Y
    Posted July 20, 2012 at 8:20 am | Permalink

    What if the community of Ypsilanti rallies to create a homemade adult video especially for Mr. Willard? Wouldn’t that be a cool one-day project to undertake at the Shadow Art Fair?

  10. MarkH
    Posted July 20, 2012 at 8:26 am | Permalink

    What if someone were to organize a protest in support of Willard where people lined Michigan Avenue and masturbated?

    “We’re all pulling for Willard”

  11. anonymous
    Posted July 20, 2012 at 8:37 am | Permalink

    You are now 4% of the way to your goal. Best of luck with what is a wonderful and worthwhile cause. We need to do a better job of respecting our elders in this country, and this is a terrific, and meaningful step in that direction. You are to be commended.

  12. Elf
    Posted July 20, 2012 at 8:53 am | Permalink

    If you don’t raise the whole $125, will you just send him as much porn as you can buy for whatever amount you’re raised? Right now, you’ve got $5 to work with. Will that buy a minute of phone sex?

  13. MarkH
    Posted July 20, 2012 at 11:13 am | Permalink

    Is there any chance there will be masturbating at Shadow Art Fair this year?

    Let me re-phrase that. Is there any chance there will be MORE masturbating at Shadow Art Fair this year?

  14. Bob
    Posted July 20, 2012 at 1:44 pm | Permalink

    There are probably dozens of movie executives huddled in Hollywood plotting the Police Academy reboot and cops are in an adult theater arresting Fred.

  15. mark k
    Posted July 20, 2012 at 2:28 pm | Permalink

    Let me just say I have no problem with Fred Willard masturbating in public as long as I’m not seated in front of him, and it’s not a kids movie. Beat it like it stole from you.

  16. 734
    Posted July 20, 2012 at 3:03 pm | Permalink

    Willard gave me the gift of laughter. It’s only fair that I return the favor with the gift of self-abuse. Count me in for $5. Unfortunately, though, I don’t know how to use the computer, so I’ll be leaving a heap of pennies outside your home.

  17. 734
    Posted July 20, 2012 at 3:06 pm | Permalink

    Also, I can’t see a mention of Real People without referencing this segment featuring the five year old Tiger Woods.

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kfTY5xUFaJs

  18. sanek59
    Posted February 28, 2013 at 10:21 am | Permalink

    I’ve heard Fred Willard in a TON of radio ads recently. This little issue of his clearly hasn’t kept him from plying his trade. Good on him, I say. Who gives a fuck if you enjoy wanking around other men.

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