This summer will mark the tenth anniversary of MarkMaynard.com… What, if anything, should we do to mark the occasion?

It’s recently been brought to my attention that this blog, assuming I can stay alive for a few more months, and keep dragging my fat fingers across the keyboard of this old computer, will turn ten years old in August. The person who wrote to me, and alerted me to this fact, wanted to know if I had anything planned to commemorate the occasion. My first inclination was to say, no, but now I’m thinking that maybe an event of some kind is called for.

So, I thought that I’d open it up for discussion.

Would people be up for a bar crawl culminating in a sit-in on Water Street? Or, how about occupying a lecture hall at EMU, and having a panel discussion featuring some of our favorite MarkMaynard.com contributors? Or, better yet, how about a roast for EOS at the Michigan Ave KFC? Or, maybe we could just have a few bands play? Or, what if we had a whole week’s worth of activities, ending with a giant roller disco street party, during which Steve Pierce chauffeurs me around Ypsi on his Segway, waving to people from his shoulders?

I wonder what it would take to get the Mayor to present me with the key to the city… or to get a local restaurant to name some kind of sandwich or burger after me? Oh, and what if we could get actors made-up to look like me to stroll around town with laptops, reenacting the typing of their favorite posts? Or, better yet, someone could write a one-man play, or an opera, based upon my life, as I’ve shared it through this site? It could be incredible. Maybe we could even pool our money and get a D-list celebrity, like Richard Simmons, Erik Estrada, or the guy who played Steve Urkel, to portray me… Just imagine that.

As for how things would actually go, in reality, I think there are a few possible scenarios. Here they are, from least to most probable.

[To read the historic first post, upon which this entire empire was built, which includes firsthand accounts of dismounting urinals, chugging liquid cheese, and daydreaming about Peter Falk, click here.]

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27 Comments

  1. Posted January 12, 2012 at 9:21 pm | Permalink

    And, yes, I think the most likely scenario is that I sit alone eating cheese doodles to mark the occasion. Oddly enough, that’s probably also the outcome I would derive the most pleasure from.

  2. Posted January 12, 2012 at 9:22 pm | Permalink

    Goddammit, stop fucking around and remake the H&O video!

  3. Posted January 12, 2012 at 9:24 pm | Permalink

    I do, however, really like the idea of a cyber party, during which I could perform a striptease dressed as a cop. And I think it goes without saying that I’d love to go to Riverside Arts Center and watch Richard Simmons performing my life story.

  4. anonymous
    Posted January 12, 2012 at 9:52 pm | Permalink

    If you haven’t selected anyone yet to play the role of Linette, I’d like to suggest the Hipster Grifter. I suspect that she can be gotten cheap. And I’m certain that the sexual chemistry between her and Simmons would be incendiary.

  5. Ale Roka
    Posted January 12, 2012 at 10:30 pm | Permalink

    They’re all great ideas for a party, but you’ll never make it to August.

  6. Eel
    Posted January 12, 2012 at 11:42 pm | Permalink

    I like the idea of an online party, where my avatar can seduce Tater’s.

  7. Edward
    Posted January 13, 2012 at 10:04 am | Permalink

    I find it interesting that, according to your ranking, you find it least likely of all the scenarios that people would lift you above their heads in celebration of your contributions and achievements. In fact, if I’m reading this correctly, you even think that it’s more likely that Richard Simmons would come to Ypsi to portray you on stage. Is that low self esteem, or are you fishing for compliments?

    As for activities, I’d suggest an old fashioned orgy. Short of that, or perhaps leading up to it, we could have a ball-shave-a-thon?

    For what it’s worth, I think a “Shave Your Balls for Maynard” campaign would have a better chance of success than the city income tax.

  8. K2
    Posted January 13, 2012 at 10:18 am | Permalink

    Maybe, for a change, Mark could just sit in a chair, and we could perform for him, like this?

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=-rbxov7CVi8

  9. Jebus H. Keeriste
    Posted January 13, 2012 at 10:56 am | Permalink

    Just when you thought Mark’s infatuation with himself had reached its natural limit. Even in the world of douchebaggy, egomaniac bloggers, Mark’s narcism stands out.

  10. Anonymous Mike
    Posted January 13, 2012 at 11:20 am | Permalink

    Carp fry in the park, followed by a bike-powered movie. And we need to hack the electronic billboard by the 94 off-ramp, so that it displays that ugly drawing of you.

  11. WK
    Posted January 13, 2012 at 12:33 pm | Permalink

    I have no doubt that Mark is an incredible douche, but I think he was just trying to funny here. Of course, maybe he’s serious, and really wants to shut the city down for a week. I doubt it, though. I think he just has a stupid sense of humor, made worse by sleep deprivation. With that said, though, I’d love to see Richard Simmons strap on a fat suit and emote passionately on the desire to have more nut trees on public land so that we might be able to live off of walnut meal pancakes.

  12. Eel
    Posted January 13, 2012 at 2:48 pm | Permalink

    I don’t care what the rest of you are doing, but I’m planning to have Mark’s face tattooed over my own.

  13. Posted January 13, 2012 at 4:05 pm | Permalink

    Early in his career, Jack Benny was sitting in his dressing room, when one of the chorus girls burst in. She had one breast exposed, with a pig drawn on it in lipstick, and shouted “Oink oink!” Jack’s new wife Mary was in the room, and turned on him in a fury, scratching his face. He then had to go onstage with his hand over his cheek, a gesture that became his trademark. Since Mark is a Benny fan, perhaps he can recreate this charming scene.

  14. ChelseaL
    Posted January 13, 2012 at 4:22 pm | Permalink

    I think the celebration should be virtual, so that all of MM’s readers can participate. Maybe some kind of virtual party, using Skype…

    Congrats, BTW.

  15. Viola
    Posted January 13, 2012 at 4:35 pm | Permalink

    If we’re mean enough to Mark, maybe he’ll leave and Ypsi will return to being the paradise it was before he came here.

  16. K2
    Posted January 13, 2012 at 4:47 pm | Permalink

    Mark is in no danger of being shown a boob. That much I know.

  17. Posted January 14, 2012 at 12:11 am | Permalink

    Maybe he could play the chorus girl.

  18. Posted January 14, 2012 at 2:47 pm | Permalink

    I’d never heard that story about Jack Benny. I actually know very little about his personal life. The only anecdote that I’d ever heard was from Lucille Ball’s daughter, Lucie, who mentioned in an interview once that Jack Benny had lived next door to them in Hollywood. She said that he’d wander into their yard, playing his violin. I thought that was a lovely image.

    So, anyway, I was intrigued by your story, Doug, and did some research. Specifically, I was curious to know if there was a reason this chorus girl had chosen to drawn a pig. I thought that perhaps the implication was that Benny had treated her poorly. Happily, that seems not to be the case. I just found the following online…

    There are three stories about Jack’s hand gestures, particularly about his hand on his cheek. The first is that Jack went on stage without his violin for the first time, and he didn’t know what to do with his hands. So he started gesturing and visually punctuating his lines, which developed into the variety of hand gestures. This is in fact not true, as George Burns recalled that he pushed Jack to leave the violin behind. When Jack went out on stage, he didn’t know what to do with his hands, so he borrowed a violin from the orchestra, and finished his monologue without ever playing it.

    The second story is that Jack and Mary had recently been married. Jack was a handsome young man who, like many vaudevillians, had women in many cities on the circuit. A phone call came to his dressing room from a local girl wanting to seem him that night. With embarrassment and in front of Mary, he told her that he couldn’t see her. Mary approached him angrily after he hung up, and scratched her fingernails down the side of his face. When Jack went on stage shortly thereafter, he needed to cover up the now-red scars, so he held his hand on his cheek.

    The third story (and most likely) has Jack and Mary in his vaudeville dressing room shortly after marriage. He previously kidded around with the chorus girls, and they had a fondness for him. One exploded into his room, one breast exposed and painted with lipstick to look like a pig, and yelled “Oink! Oink!” Mary was seated behind the door, and the chorus girl didn’t see her initially. Jack turned around in shock and embarrassment, seeing both the chorus girl and his angry wife. Surprised that Jack didn’t burst out laughing, the chorus girl looked around and saw Mary glaring at her. She made a hasty retreat, Mary then scratched her fingernails down Jack’s cheek, and Jack covered them up onstage with his hand.

    Of course, it’s probably much more likely that none of these things happened. I’m just happy that I didn’t find a lot of claims about Benny being a cruel womanizer, etc. That would have broken my heart.

    And, yes, I think we should celebrate the ten year anniversary of this site by having everyone line up and show me a breast.

  19. Posted January 14, 2012 at 2:48 pm | Permalink

    Jebus H. Keeriste, if you’re up for it, I’d love to have you MC the ceremonies. Send me an email, OK?

  20. Posted January 14, 2012 at 6:33 pm | Permalink

    The chorus girl didn’t sound angry to me; it sounded like friendly hi-jinks. Not the kind of hi-jinks, though, that a new wife might like. I haven’t heard any nasty stories about Benny. In fact, he was known for helping out old friends (including girlfriends).

    At any rate, I think a historic re-enactment would be appropriate.

  21. Posted January 15, 2012 at 6:40 am | Permalink

    If I can get the bus fare, would you like to come out for the event and scratch me, Doug? Or would you rather show me your boob?

  22. anonymous
    Posted January 15, 2012 at 1:48 pm | Permalink

    I would prefer that Mark show us his tits, and then scratch himself horribly while “dancing to the oldies” under the direction of Richard Simmons. This, I believe, would put Ypsi on the map.

  23. anonymous
    Posted January 15, 2012 at 2:38 pm | Permalink

    On second thought, what if, upon seeing Mark’s bared breast, we all collapse into never-ending orgasm, leaving our border with Canada unprotected? What if this whole thing is a trap?

  24. Posted January 15, 2012 at 2:52 pm | Permalink

    Although the prospect of a long bus ride is tempting, I believe I’ll stay put. Have you considered rounding up your commenters to recreate the Benny show? I suggest Tater for Don Wilson.

  25. Thom Elliott
    Posted January 16, 2012 at 8:33 am | Permalink

    Perhaps a pubcrawl that ends in a panal discussion after everyone is sloshed? Some of the most vociferous Ypsilantians drunkenly arguing in public about the demerits of the Occupy movement, the NDAA, or emergency financial management would be great fun. Hopefully some of the rightwing participants come out and we can have a sloppy game of chicken, with Eel holding Tater’s greasy ass on his shoulders, swinging a foam covered wifflebat at a blacked out Maynard, stumbleing vomit drenched around Depot town. It’ll be a day to remember (with a grim sense of drunken shame).

  26. Edward
    Posted January 16, 2012 at 9:32 am | Permalink

    Can there be a dance party afterward, Thom?

    How about this for an agenda?

    Pub Crawl part I
    Picnic in the Park
    Panel Discussion/Interviews
    Pub Crawl part II
    Bands/DJs
    Animal Sacrifice
    Orgy

  27. time traveler
    Posted January 16, 2012 at 9:27 pm | Permalink

    I come from the future with video of MM.com’s tenth anniversary party.

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2sOB0MiZuE0

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  1. […] 10th anniversary party September 8By Mark | July 29, 2012As we discussed in January, the tenth anniversary of this site is fast approaching, and I’ve been thinking of ways to mark the occasion… Well, things […]

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