What Would LBJ Do?

I was just sitting here in bed, holding a wet washcloth to my throbbing head, and thinking about how ineffective Obama has been at pushing the Democratic agenda (see last post), when it occurred to me, as it often does at times like these, that we could use a man like LBJ in the White House – a guy who knew how to play hardball, and didn’t mind ripping a few arms out by their roots in order to get good legislation passed. The exact phrase that I found myself thinking was, “I’d give anything to have Johnson back for a day.” And, maybe it’s the headache, but that got me to wondering… first, whether or not I’d really give up everything that I had in order to get LBJ back for a single day, and, second, whether or not the former President would be controllable upon being released from the underworld. I ultimately determined that, yes, for the good of the United States, I’d be willing to give up all of my worldly possessions in order to get him back for the day, but I acknowledge that there would be quite a bit of risk involved, especially if he gets it into his head that he needs another pair of Haggar slacks before setting out to kick Tea Party ass. And God knows that he’d want to eat some barbecue, chase a few beehived secretaries around a desk or two, and use the toilet after spending almost 40 years in purgatory. It’s hard to imagine that we’d have much time left to save the world, but, like I said, I think it would be worth the risk.

Anyway, it got me thinking about how I’d motivate Johnson, should he show up on my doorstep tomorrow, to get into the car with me (I know that he’d complain about leg room) and drive to DC, and how, once we got there, I’d get him in to meet with Obama. On the latter, I’m thinking that we’d disguise ourselves and maybe fall in with a group of Country-Western musicians there to perform at a State dinner or something. (Did I mention that I think I’ve got a fever on top of the headache?) And, now that I’m thinking about it, I guess I should, at the very least, try to sketch it out as a web comic. And, from there, who knows? I could see it being developed as a buddy movie, along the lines of Midnight Run or 48 Hours. I’d be open to exploring other ideas, but, as of right now, I’m seeing it with Michael Cera and either John Goodman or Jeff Bridges. (Or maybe, if they both desperately wanted to be a part of the project, they could share the job, with one handling the nude scenes, of which there are likely to be several.) And, yeah, Michael Cera would be playing me.

Oh, I was going to illustrate this post with a drawing of Johnson, but, as luck would have it, I stumbled across something even better – a drawing done by Johnson. I don’t know how I’ll use it yet, but I think it’s incredible, and I’d like to work it in somehow. I love the arms on the little dude in the lower left. I’m thinking that maybe I could throw in a little spaceman character for comic relief, like they added The Great Gazoo to the Flintsones when they ran out of caveman humor.

I know there are still quite a few things to work out, but I just really love the idea of an animated series which, at some point, would feature Johnson and I traveling down the highway, listening to Glenn Beck on the radio, and trying all the types of fast food that didn’t exist before he died. There’s something about the idea of Lyndon Johnson slurping down a FKC meal bowl while musing about his “bunghole” that makes me kind of giddy.

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  1. Edward
    Posted August 8, 2011 at 6:14 am | Permalink

    I see him coming back as a zombie, and needing to eat brains before consulting with Obama. I think that would be a nice twist.

  2. Mr. X
    Posted August 8, 2011 at 7:36 am | Permalink

    The movie should end with Johnson bursting into the Oval office, announcing to the President, “I have a foolproof plan to counter the Republicans, and push forward the Democratic ideals we hold dear,” and then being shot by the secret service.

  3. Elf
    Posted August 8, 2011 at 9:02 am | Permalink

    If you don’t have the money for the big guys, I’d suggest casting the guy who plays Kevin on The Office, and having him play both you and LBJ. Think of the money that you could save!

  4. Posted August 8, 2011 at 9:50 am | Permalink

    Just don’t offer LBJ a mimosa.

  5. Eel
    Posted August 8, 2011 at 10:44 am | Permalink

    I look like he may have been drawing out a schematic of the School Book Depository in the top right, and then decided to cover his tracks by putting a Martian head on it, and then scribbling it out. This may be the smoking gun we’ve been looking for. And, yes, I’d agree that we need a President who could resort to murder. Desperate times call for drastic measures.

  6. james
    Posted August 8, 2011 at 11:27 am | Permalink

    I think you might as well wish for the Deified Kennedy to return to Eearth in his Lunar capsule…

    Johnson was able to be effective because he had leverage over Congress. If he threatened to kick a representative out of the Democratic party, he could make it stick. Obama might be able to kick someone out, but that would probably just mean that the congressman would run as a Republican or the seat would switch the next election.

    Progressive politics has taken a beating in the U.S. for the last 30 years- expecting someone to be able to will that trend away overnight is kind of silly.

    Note, I am not saying that wanting a better world and working for progressive causes is silly, I am just pointing out that it will take a lot of effort, and will also be beyond the power of whoever is in the White House.

  7. Mr. X
    Posted August 8, 2011 at 1:11 pm | Permalink

    James, I think you’re wrong about Johnson. I think an old-school, knee-capping Dem like him would scare the shit out of today’s simpering, craven cowards. I think he’d turn the likes of Leiberman into a puddle of goo within three minutes. I thought that I wanted a constitutional law professor law President. It turns out what I really wanted was a bully.

    More importantly, I think there should be a sex act called the LBJ. I hesitate to think what it would entail, though.

  8. Kim
    Posted August 8, 2011 at 2:10 pm | Permalink

    As Star Trek aired from September 8, 1966, through June 3, 1969, my guess is that the guy at the bottom is Mr. Spock.

    As for an LBJ, I think it involves being serviced while pooping.

  9. james williams
    Posted August 8, 2011 at 4:33 pm | Permalink

    MR.X –

    The problem is not only personality, but a lack of leverage. You can only bully someone if they believe you can actually harm them, and that is not the case for most people in Congress today. Either they have been in Congress long enough to not need the Democratic Party endorsement to get elected (like Lieberman) or they are worried that toeing the Democratic party line will cause them to lose the next election.

  10. dragon
    Posted August 8, 2011 at 5:28 pm | Permalink

    These pretzels are making me retarded!

    Posted at 5:34 PM ET, 01/18/2011
    Joe Lieberman to retire in 2012
    By Chris Cillizza

    Connecticut Sen. Joe Lieberman (I) will not seek a fifth term in 2012, according to two Democratic sources familiar with the decision.

  11. Mike Bodary
    Posted August 8, 2011 at 8:11 pm | Permalink

    The drawing probably shows the beagle that LBJ would pick up by the ears. He was a love-hate for me. The Great Society, Civil Rights victories vs Vietnam and Gulf of Tonkin lies he pushed.
    “Come out Lyndon with your hands held high, drop your guns baby and reach for the sky. We got you surounded and you ain’t got a chance, send you back to Texas make you work on your ranch.” Country Joe MacDonald

  12. Edward
    Posted August 9, 2011 at 8:05 am | Permalink

    It occurred to me in a dream last night that not only might Randy Quaid be perfect for this, but, given the mental illness, he might actually do it.

  13. Urf
    Posted August 9, 2011 at 2:49 pm | Permalink

    Where I grew up, in Maryland, an LBJ was a bologna sandwich served with a turd hidden in it.

  14. Kim
    Posted August 9, 2011 at 3:50 pm | Permalink


    Where I grew up that was called a Deacon Dark.

  15. Kim
    Posted August 9, 2011 at 3:51 pm | Permalink

    And how cool would it have been to watch Star Trek with LBJ?

  16. Kim
    Posted August 9, 2011 at 3:58 pm | Permalink

    Guess what? LBJ was on the first episode of Star Trek (“The Cage”). THis is from the Star Trek wiki:

    An image depicting Vice President Johnson, appearing during Kennedy’s 1961 “Decision to Go to the Moon” speech, was scanned by the Talosians as they reviewed the library computer files on board USS Enterprise in 2254. (TOS: “The Cage” remastered)

  17. Larry Seven Larry
    Posted August 9, 2011 at 4:17 pm | Permalink

    Lyndon called. It sounds like he wants to come back from beyond and star in the piece himself.


  18. Artie
    Posted August 9, 2011 at 7:07 pm | Permalink

    In Phoenix, in 1977, an LBJ was Lettuce Bacon and Jizz. No one ever made one as far as I know, but it was talked about.

  19. Super Fiend
    Posted August 10, 2011 at 12:50 am | Permalink

    Guys, LBJ was a quitter and an uncouth unhuman hyperpolitical enema. Actually, he was worse than that. He was a Texan.
    What you “progressives” really seem to want is George W. Bush but Democrat.
    Mark, if you ever get to drive dream-ghost zombie LBJ around in your car, just remember to always take three right turns instead of a left. He could not take left turns.

  20. AGL
    Posted August 17, 2011 at 5:23 am | Permalink

    He’d listen to your, “Lyndon, it’s 2011 and you have to help our ineffective Democratic President” stuff for about 12 seconds, and then he’d lift you off the ground by your ears, pull you close enough that your noses touch, and say, “You got broads in this century?”

  21. Morze
    Posted August 23, 2011 at 10:40 am | Permalink

    I had a dream last night where LBJ came back, and couldn’t stop eating Cheeze Whiz. He kept sucking down cans of the stuff, one after another.

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