Stop and smell the Maynard

When I relaunched this site a few months ago, for the most part, there wasn’t a lot of criticism. The only thing I got any negative feedback on, as I’ve mentioned here before, is the artwork in the header, which was done by a Canadian artist named Reverend Aitor. It seems that some folks just don’t want to be greeted each day by my bloated, stinking, boil-covered face. Well, with that in mind, I offered $10 in beer to the individual who could produce something better. That was about two months ago now, though, and, so far, the entries have been pretty much non-existent. A few people wrote in with good ideas, but they never followed through and produced anything fully fleshed-out and ready to go… So, I’ve decided to take matters into my own hands, and try to produce something myself. Following is one such attempt. It’s a shot that my friend Dave took of me a few days ago at Portland’s Washington Park Rose Garden. Our concept, in case it’s not clear, was to get as far away as possible from the current, depressing header, which features my rotting noggin, and produce something uncharacteristically positive and optimistic. And, I think we did an pretty good job.

There is, after all, only so much you can do with my head….

Speaking of which, one of these days, I’d like to cast professional models who look at least somewhat like Linette, Clementine and me, and do a series of photo shoots around town. The idea would be to take photos in every conceivable situation, so that, regardless of the subject of the post from now on, I could have something to drop in that would appear natural. (And, yes, it’s wanting to do this kind of thing that made me finally embrace the concept of paid advertising. I realized that I need cash to hire a more attractive me… And here’s the truly great thing. I’m convinced that, once I hire professionally outgoing and attractive people to portray the members of my family, the readership of the site will skyrocket. And, this, in turn, will mean that I’ll make more money from advertising. And, with that money, I can then hire even more attractive models, which in turn will attract even more readers, and hence bring in even more advertising revenue. There would be no end to it. Each year, we’d get more and more beautiful, and the readership would grow accordingly. It would be like an on-line perpetual motion machine.)

Anyway, back to this new header…. As I still want this to be somewhat collaborative, I thought that I’d ask for your help with a new tagline for the site, which could be used in conjunction with this photo. So, leave your ideas, and we’ll have a vote. (I’ve used “For All Your Mark Maynard Needs” for the better part of ten years now, and I don’t know that it works with this image. Or, at least, I think we might be able to do better.) And, for what it’s worth, I’m not wedded to the idea of using this header either, so, if you have a better concept, let me know. That $10 in beer is still up for grabs.

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  1. Posted August 30, 2011 at 9:48 pm | Permalink

    What a sweet picture! Not quite as touching as you looking at your puppet, but still lovely.

  2. dirtgrain
    Posted August 30, 2011 at 9:56 pm | Permalink

    I like the picture.

  3. Posted August 30, 2011 at 10:08 pm | Permalink

    Thanks… But what should the tag line be?

    “Life is Good in Michigan…”

    “Ah, This is the Good Life….”

    “I Smelled You, Now You Smell Me….”

  4. EL
    Posted August 30, 2011 at 10:15 pm | Permalink

    “It ain’t exactly a shaved nutsack, but it’s close.”

    “Your used condoms and empty crack vials will never stop me.”

  5. dragon
    Posted August 30, 2011 at 10:25 pm | Permalink

    A blog by any other name would quell conceit.

  6. Suzie
    Posted August 30, 2011 at 10:35 pm | Permalink

    I really love the “For all your mark maynard needs”. Because /still/ among my funniest memories of this blog is way back that time when everyone was trying to convince you not to throw in the towel. You despondently said something like, “You’ll all just have to go somewhere else for whatever it is that you get here.” And one of your lovely readers replied, “Go somewhere else for all our Mark Maynard needs?!”

    And it was just so perfect.

    I don’t know. I can’t explain myself. The whole thing still makes me giggle, and it was years ago.

    The other thing that still makes me giggle is when you accidentally mis-spelled podcast as pocsast. Pocsast, pocsast, pocsast… It’s probably not a good sign that I have my own in-jokes with a blog, lol.

  7. Lynne
    Posted August 30, 2011 at 10:36 pm | Permalink

    “Life is Good in Michigan…”

    That goes best with a picture taken in Oregon ;)

  8. Christine M
    Posted August 30, 2011 at 10:42 pm | Permalink

    My husband Mark said, “When you’re a rose in the garden stop and smell the humans.”

    Mine was: “Mark Maynard thinks his shit smells like roses and your roses smell like shit.”

    Only we don’t drink beer so we want you to buy us dinner.

  9. Christine M
    Posted August 30, 2011 at 10:46 pm | Permalink

    Although I think it would be cool (though I doubt Linette would go for it) if you had a picture of yourself down between her legs looking up and smiling (as if you are smiling at the new baby who is coming forth in the future…

    okay maybe that didn’t come out into print as cool as it sounded in my head.

  10. Kristin
    Posted August 31, 2011 at 4:15 am | Permalink

    Oh, don’t lose “for all your MM needs!” It’s timeless.

  11. Tommy
    Posted August 31, 2011 at 6:16 am | Permalink

    Honestly – the Picasso-esque cat type thingy that used to be on the page was kind of cool. It was a bit twisted, very creative, and somewhat revealing. Tagline? From one loser to another!

  12. Terri
    Posted August 31, 2011 at 6:22 am | Permalink

    For all your Mark Maynard needs is classic, but this photo screams:

    “Stop and smell the Maynard.”

    Can you people not see that?

  13. Glen S.
    Posted August 31, 2011 at 6:30 am | Permalink

    “Smells like middle-aged spirit?”

  14. Alicia
    Posted August 31, 2011 at 7:43 am | Permalink

    Do I see a hint of “grizzled?”

  15. Eel
    Posted August 31, 2011 at 8:15 am | Permalink

    “Appreciating the good life in Ypsilanti.”

    “Stop and sniff the taint.”

    “What gets Mark’s jowls aquiver? Let’s find out!”

    “But who watches the bee watcher?”

  16. Eel
    Posted August 31, 2011 at 8:17 am | Permalink

    And I like the girl airing out her pits in the background.

    “Airing out his pits” may be a good tagline.

  17. Billy
    Posted August 31, 2011 at 8:23 am | Permalink

    Even the sweetest smelling roses come with a little prick…

  18. gary
    Posted August 31, 2011 at 8:38 am | Permalink

    ‘mark maynard: ypsilanti deserves better, but i’m all they have’

    ‘mark maynard: please don’t look me in the eyes, my ocd is out of control today’

    ‘mark maynard: yes that’s really my wife and child. why do you keep asking me that?’

    this is my favorite but too long

    ‘mark maynard: my fascination with pornography is increasing as i get older, if you think sasquatch or terrordactyl porn is weird, wait until i’m 50’

  19. Edward
    Posted August 31, 2011 at 8:58 am | Permalink

    “Enjoy him now, before he moves to Portland”

  20. Elf
    Posted August 31, 2011 at 9:17 am | Permalink

    “You can’t see what he’s doing with his other hand.”

  21. Posted August 31, 2011 at 11:17 am | Permalink

    “Sniffing reproductive organs since 2002”

  22. Christine M
    Posted August 31, 2011 at 11:31 am | Permalink

    I like Stop and Smell the Maynard!

  23. Busyish
    Posted August 31, 2011 at 1:16 pm | Permalink

    A plain ol’ photograph? Sellout!

    I miss the Picasso blob of the old site too.

  24. Ypsi Cartoon Fan
    Posted August 31, 2011 at 2:55 pm | Permalink

    I want you dressed in a Captain Nemo outfit for a Captain Nemo in Slumberland header.

  25. someone
    Posted August 31, 2011 at 5:07 pm | Permalink

    you can’t be serious.

  26. dirtgrain
    Posted August 31, 2011 at 5:20 pm | Permalink

    With your good looks and my brains . . .

  27. horny hot
    Posted August 31, 2011 at 6:40 pm | Permalink

    “With the bees all killed, the Maynard sets about collecting all the pollen for himself.”

  28. Ale Roka
    Posted August 31, 2011 at 9:28 pm | Permalink

    “Mark Maynard: Too pretty to be real”

  29. Ale Roka
    Posted August 31, 2011 at 9:30 pm | Permalink

    Which, I might add, is why Mark will never move to Portland.

  30. Christine M
    Posted September 7, 2011 at 1:43 am | Permalink

    Someone prolly already said it but what about

    Smells like Mark Maynard.

  31. anonymous
    Posted October 14, 2011 at 2:10 pm | Permalink

    I suppose that copyright could be involved, but any one of these shots could be cropped to make a great header for this site.

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