I received a bead… now what?


When I came downstairs this morning, I found a single brown bead on the kitchen table. I didn’t make anything of it at the time… but, now, as I sit here in my office, watching reruns of the Today Show, I’m not so sure.

[And, yes, I typically spend my weekends catching up on the Today Show…. What of it?]

So, now, based upon what I’m reading, I guess I have 24 hours to respond by laying prostrate before my mate… Is that right?

And what happens if I don’t respond? Do I get beaten? Or, is there an option where I can buy my way out for cash?

And I don’t even have a white bone china Beadcatcher bowl. I wonder if I can use Tupperware. Does anyone know the proper protocol? And, I’d also like to know if I can redeem my beads for gifts, like Camel Bucks.

How do I even know that this was from my wife. Couldn’t it be from anyone? How do I know that the guy who came over yesterday to power rod out our drain didn’t leave it for me?

For those of you who have no idea what I’m talking about, here’s the Today Show video I linked to above:

Visit msnbc.com for breaking news, world news, and news about the economy

I like the woman in the video who says, the bead system is an easy way to bring up sex with one’s partner “without having to communicate.”

I suspect it’s probably apparent to most of you, but we live in the most fucking stupid country on the face of the planet.

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  1. LaidOffTeacherPatti
    Posted June 12, 2011 at 10:51 am | Permalink

    Okay I followed the link and read this bullshit line–something about “men have to have sex to feel close and women have to feel close to their husband in order to have sex with him.” Good Lord, do other women really think like this!?! Is that why I have a hard time making girlfriends?!?!

    I also don’t like how they use the phrase “offered her husband sex”…that just sounds…skeevy somehow. Like should I prance into my still-sleeping (yes, it’s almost noon) husband and offer myself up? Rather than the usual “put my hand on the junk” approach? What?

  2. Knox
    Posted June 13, 2011 at 5:56 am | Permalink

    Not to be confused with my “Bitch, Make Me a Sandwich” pebbles.

  3. Steve Swan
    Posted June 13, 2011 at 8:00 am | Permalink

    When I need some some intimacy from my girlfriend, I throw a beer can in her direction. I don’t waste precious words, and she knows that the dance of seduction has begun. And, if she wants to redeem the can for ¢10, I’m OK with that.

  4. loose bead wholesaler
    Posted June 13, 2011 at 8:25 am | Permalink

    Fuck, I’m going to make a fortune.

  5. Willy
    Posted June 13, 2011 at 10:38 am | Permalink

    What did you take that terrible picture with?

  6. John Galt
    Posted June 13, 2011 at 11:58 am | Permalink

    My wife knows what I want when I leave my photo of Ayn Rand face up on my nightstand.

  7. Barbecue Bob
    Posted June 13, 2011 at 11:57 pm | Permalink

    So did you fuck the plumber, Mark?

  8. Robert
    Posted June 14, 2011 at 10:12 am | Permalink

    This is what humanity disintegrating looks like.

    When people don’t even have within them the love for the one with whom they’ve chosen to spend their lives, they have truly lost the most important component of being human.

    Performing bizarre rituals will not undo the damage done by experiences which emotionally cripple so many leaving them without that capacity to love and express genuinely.

    Loving genuinely and sincerely is the greatest act of defiance anyone could undertake in this life, and there is nothing else in life which is so deeply rewarding.

  9. Mr. X
    Posted June 14, 2011 at 10:15 am | Permalink

    The plumber fucks everyone.

  10. Edward
    Posted June 14, 2011 at 2:14 pm | Permalink

    I wonder if Ayn Rand-themed sex toys would sell well in Republican circles. I know that, somewhere, there must be Republicans just dying to put something called The Fountainhead up their asses.

  11. Edward
    Posted June 14, 2011 at 2:15 pm | Permalink

    If you want to do it to your wife, though, you need two beads.

  12. Tommy
    Posted June 14, 2011 at 2:21 pm | Permalink

    Edward – the best selling Republican sex toy – hands down – is Ronald Reagan’s skull. The technique called the ‘Gipper’ is where two homophobic dudes fuck the eye holes at the same time.

  13. Jules
    Posted June 14, 2011 at 8:47 pm | Permalink

    So what happens when the husband keeps putting beads in and the wife never responds? I gotta be missing something here. Holy crap, this is stupid.

  14. Jules
    Posted June 14, 2011 at 8:56 pm | Permalink

    Okay, I just read the “covenant” for the bead bullshit. Are you fucking kidding me? http://www.fortybeads.com/pdf/pre_beading_covenant.pdf
    He drops in the bead and I’m supposed to “redeem” it within 24 hours, uh, just because. Yeeeah. Tell me how this is supposed to make me want to have sex with my partner, if I’m not feeling it. Fuck the bead, throw in a benjamin. If I’m whoring myself to my husband, it ain’t gonna be for a bead.

  15. nancy
    Posted June 15, 2011 at 12:04 am | Permalink

    Well, really if you are whoring yourself to your husband, you probably have the checkbook anyway. So, theoretically the bead is just a little token. A whorey wife can always get her hands on the money. That is not the point.
    The point is that husbands and wives just want to get fucked without all that silly foreplay shit, and talk about how things are at the office, and “have you read any good books lately” and all that bullshit you might read in Cosmo or whatever. A woman just wants a good ride every now and then, you know.
    Just joking. It is stupid.

  16. Rambo VIII
    Posted June 15, 2011 at 12:05 am | Permalink

    So did you get rodded out by the plumber?

  17. Jules
    Posted June 15, 2011 at 7:17 am | Permalink

    I highly endorse LOTP’s method, just put your hand on his junk. If he removes your hand, assume no pony ride tonight. Vice versa. Or, as I like to say, use your words. “Wanna fuck?”, “No?”, “Are you sure?” “Okay.” Wow, that was tough.

  18. LaidOffTeacherPatti
    Posted June 15, 2011 at 11:46 am | Permalink

    Clearly, Jules and I should have been friends since birth :)

  19. Billy
    Posted June 15, 2011 at 2:02 pm | Permalink

    I use whiskey and blankets coated in spermicidal lubricant. You should see all the beaver pelts I get with that stuff…

  20. Mr. X
    Posted June 15, 2011 at 2:47 pm | Permalink

    What do you pelt the beaver with, Billy?

  21. Posted June 15, 2011 at 5:42 pm | Permalink

    This just makes me glad that I’m not married.

  22. Posted June 15, 2011 at 8:04 pm | Permalink

    I am so going to mail you a bead, Mr. Skinner.

  23. Furball
    Posted June 15, 2011 at 10:17 pm | Permalink

    Instead of sending out beads willy nilly to people who may not appreciate them, why not list them on eBay? Then everyone’s a winner? Eh?!

  24. Prophets Spoke!
    Posted June 15, 2011 at 11:04 pm | Permalink

    If you honor one part of God’s law, honor God in HIS FULLNESS and you may yet be saved!

  25. Posted June 16, 2011 at 9:20 am | Permalink

    Somehow, Mark, I don’t think that will change my opinion.

  26. Mr. X
    Posted June 16, 2011 at 9:37 am | Permalink

    What if it’s a really large bead, though?

  27. KristenMeadows21
    Posted June 17, 2011 at 10:55 am | Permalink

    There is actually a historic precedent for this. We gave the native Americans lots and lots of beads for the island of Manhattan, and we’ve been fucking them unmercifully ever since.

  28. john hanson
    Posted June 18, 2011 at 7:34 am | Permalink

    Grab your ankles and think of Reagan.

  29. Epie
    Posted July 4, 2011 at 6:47 am | Permalink

    The cool thing is, after you earn your bead, you get to pass it on to someone else. In some communities, you can even redeem them for prepared meals and various services. Prostitutes, from what I can tell, though, hate accepting them.

  30. Tameki Marlin
    Posted September 23, 2011 at 10:50 am | Permalink

    You have an hour to get to Hasan’s bedroom.

  31. T.R.
    Posted June 20, 2013 at 6:22 am | Permalink

    You have to ask, “Now what?”


One Trackback

  1. […] have it in me to pull together a real blog post tonight (as I’m exhausted from all the bead redemption), but I did want to pass along this video, which was posted today on the environmental site Grist. […]

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