MarkMaynard.com awards

sidetrackawardI was at Sidetrack with a friend on Friday night, and noticed that they had an award from AnnArbor.com posted on their wall, and it got me wondering whether or not any local businesses would put up MarkMaynard.com plaques, if they were offered. My friend, who’s somewhat devious by nature, seemed to think that it would be best to work backwards – first identifying businesses that would acknowledge the distinction of a MarkMaynard.com award, and then coming up with categories that we knew they could win. For instance, if we felt fairly certain that Woodruff’s would hang a MarkMaynard.com award, we could could have a “Best Bar for Skinny Men with Tight Pants and Mustaches” category. I, however, think that would be cheating. I’d rather have categories like, “Best Senior Center Puzzle,” and then see what happens.

So, right now, I’m looking at a crumpled-up napkin full of notes that I’d written on Friday night. It’s not by any means an exhaustive list, but these are the categories my friend and I came up with after swilling a few tankards of beer. If you have ideas for others, please leave a comment. [note: Some are in poor taste. Rest assured, they would not be asked if we actually went forward with this competition.]

Best Bacon
Best Urinal
Best Fried Chicken
Best Glory Hole
Most Neglected Property
Best Place to Discipline a Child
Best Store for Shoplifting
Best Place to Be Alone (Masturbating)
Best Place to Be Alone (Non-Masturbating)
Most Clearly Marked Safety Exit
Best Indoor Seating
Best Abortion Provider
Best Homoerotic Experience
Best Smelling Waitstaff
Least Likely Place to Get Laid
Best Stains
Best Local Character
Most Awkward Bathroom Experience (Male)
Most Awkward Bathroom Experience (Female)
Best Local Blog
Best Happy Hour
Best Place to See Some Weird Shit Go Down
Best Puppet Theater

Here, for those of you who are interested, is the list of categories that AnnArbor.com uses.

This entry was posted in Ann Arbor, Mark's Life, Media, Other, Site Admin, Special Projects, Uncategorized, Ypsilanti and tagged , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. Post a comment or leave a trackback: Trackback URL.

37 Comments

  1. Chaely
    Posted May 15, 2011 at 10:26 pm | Permalink

    Best place to run into everyone you would rather avoid
    Most Ypsi-centric

  2. Posted May 15, 2011 at 10:29 pm | Permalink

    iSPY Magazine would be more than happy to sponsor this list and publish it in the pages of an upcoming issue. With the exception of Best Place to Discipline a Child, only because 2 entries later is Best Place to Be Alone (Masturbating) – which would in turn lead to the inevitable answer to Best Place to See Some Weird Shit Go Down.

  3. May Frend
    Posted May 15, 2011 at 11:06 pm | Permalink

    Upon reflection, why limit this competition to the standard (albeit local) corporate sanctioned censorship? Why not, instead, just place the placards where the voting public pleases?

    Examples: “Best place to throw rocks in the Huron River.” Take votes. Tally. Print the placard. And nail it to the nearest tree.

    “Best place to put pennies on the train tracks.”

    “Best place to see a skirt raised to strangers.”

    “Best place to mistake a warm breeze for an angel.”

    “Best place to talk with a stranger.”

    And so on. Tally, print, pound.

    There’s a lot of good food, product, service and such found in Ypsilanti (and area, I guess) businesses. I don’t suggest you exclude them (e.g., best place to scrawl ideas on a napkin) , but I worry that a “best of” that limits itself to what happens in businesses, well, misses most of what is truly “best” about Ypsi.

  4. Knox
    Posted May 16, 2011 at 6:54 am | Permalink

    Best place to see magic happen
    Best place to make an enemy
    Best watering hole
    Best bbq

  5. Edward
    Posted May 16, 2011 at 9:39 am | Permalink

    Store Most Vulnerable to Attack

  6. Edward
    Posted May 16, 2011 at 9:45 am | Permalink

    Cleanest Toilet

  7. Edward
    Posted May 16, 2011 at 9:45 am | Permalink

    Best Customer Service

    (I think this would be really interesting.)

  8. Dan
    Posted May 16, 2011 at 10:20 am | Permalink

    Best Strip Club Lunch Special

  9. K2
    Posted May 16, 2011 at 10:23 am | Permalink

    Most Aggressive Panhandler
    Best Ypsilanti Crime Reporting (AnnArbor.com wins!)
    Darkest Alley

  10. cmadler
    Posted May 16, 2011 at 11:12 am | Permalink

    Best Vandalism and/or Graffiti (this award should be spray-painted adjacent to the vandalism/graffiti)
    The Ypsi-Arbor Bowl Sign Memorial Award for Best Former Structure (for buildings and structures that have been removed, fully demolished, etc.)

  11. kjc
    Posted May 16, 2011 at 12:07 pm | Permalink

    Most disgusting bathroom

    (the truth about this needs to come out)

  12. LaidOffTeacherPatti
    Posted May 16, 2011 at 1:51 pm | Permalink

    Best Bathroom graffiti…and worst bathroom graffiti..worst I ever saw was in the Corner’s women’s bathroom. Someone wrote a “joke” that said “What’s the worst thing about being a black Jew? You have to go to the back of the oven.” I told staff and it was immediately X’d off (yay staff!) but it pains me to think that someone who pees there really thinks that way.

    I’d also add commenter categories too…cutest couple, best commenter, crazy ass shittiest commenter, etc.

  13. Mr. X
    Posted May 16, 2011 at 2:05 pm | Permalink

    As Andy C hasn’t said it yet, it should be made clear that these awards are for “White Ypsi”.

  14. Mr. X
    Posted May 16, 2011 at 2:06 pm | Permalink

    I also like the idea of category for Gentlest Lover.

  15. Posted May 16, 2011 at 5:03 pm | Permalink

    How about worst smelling waitstaff?
    Best bridge for Pooh Sticks
    Most phallic building
    Least phallic buliding

  16. JSam
    Posted May 16, 2011 at 7:02 pm | Permalink

    Okay these are real:

    Ugliest Ypsi building
    Most attractive Ypsi building

    Street with most potholes (sorry N River already won)

    Most attrative Ypsi entranceway
    Least attractive Ypsi entranceway (this one is tough)

    Best Huron River fishing spot in Ypsi

  17. Darren W
    Posted May 16, 2011 at 10:14 pm | Permalink

    While the above ideas are okay, I think you want to be a bit less vague and limit the categories to Ypsi:

    Best KFC, Best DQ, Best Honda dealer, Best Ford/Suzuki dealer, Best KFC, Best BP, Best Walgreens, Best City Hall, etc.

  18. someone
    Posted May 16, 2011 at 11:33 pm | Permalink

    best place to get shot at
    place where something awesome used to be
    best way to get home after drinking all night

  19. brad
    Posted May 17, 2011 at 9:03 am | Permalink

    Best Burned Out Shell of a Building
    Best Conversion of a Chain Restaurant into a non-Chain

  20. Eel
    Posted May 17, 2011 at 9:16 am | Permalink

    Best place to stash a body.

    Best place to dumpster dive.

    And I’d like to second the idea of having a “Best cool place that no longer exists” category.

  21. Edward
    Posted May 17, 2011 at 10:08 am | Permalink

    She might change her opinion after seeing this.

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Za9hzdtrgbc

    Octopi can get out of tanks and attack!

  22. Walt
    Posted May 17, 2011 at 10:21 am | Permalink

    best private school
    best republican donor
    best example of gentrification
    best place for white people

  23. Martin
    Posted May 17, 2011 at 11:09 am | Permalink

    Best Lawn Furniture Arrangement
    Best Trolling Blog Comment

  24. brad
    Posted May 17, 2011 at 8:12 pm | Permalink

    gotta love how annarbor.com turned kjc’s comment upthread into a full on “article” earlier today…

  25. Wathching Laughing.
    Posted May 17, 2011 at 8:21 pm | Permalink

    Hottest Ypsilanti woman business owner, or worker.

    Watching Laughing.

  26. Lisa D
    Posted May 17, 2011 at 10:57 pm | Permalink

    Best place to find 2 different worlds colliding
    (Reader gets to pick the worlds: hipster/non-hipster; black/white; working class; not working class).

  27. Vernon
    Posted May 18, 2011 at 2:27 am | Permalink

    Best thoracic mustache

  28. Vernon
    Posted May 18, 2011 at 2:28 am | Permalink

    Crookedest wang

  29. Patrick
    Posted May 18, 2011 at 8:07 am | Permalink

    I think Smarty Pantz would be a shoe-in for the Best Smarty Catz award.

  30. Done Waiting
    Posted May 20, 2011 at 3:41 am | Permalink

    Laurie Anderson would be proud…
    “Baby Doll” from “Strange Angels”

    I don’t know about your brain-
    but mine is really bossy
    I come home from a day on the golf course
    and I find all these messages
    scribbled on wrinkled up scraps of paper
    And they say things like:
    Why don’t you get a real job?
    Or: You and what army?
    Or: Get a horse.

    And then I hear this voice comin from the back of my head
    Uh huh (Whoa-ho) Yep!
    It’s my brain again
    And when my brain talks to me, he says:
    Take me out to the ballgame
    Take me out to the park
    Take me to the movies
    Cause I love to sit in the dark
    Take me to Tahiti
    Cause I love to be hot
    And take me out on the town tonight
    Cause I know the new hot spot.
    He says: Babydoll! Ooo oo oo
    Babydoll Ooo
    He says: Babydoll!
    I love it when you come when I call
    Babydoll! You don’t have to talk I know it all

    Well I’m sitting around trying to write a letter
    I’m wracking my brains trying to think of another word for horse
    I ask my brain for some assistance.
    And he says: Huh…Let’s see…How about cow? That’s close.
    He says: Take me out to the ballgame
    Take me out to the park
    Take me to the movies
    Cause I love to sit in the dark
    Take me to your leader
    And I say: Do you mean George?
    And he says: I just want to meet him
    And I say: Come on I mean I don’t even know George!
    And he says:
    Babydoll! Ooo oo oo Babydoll Ooo
    He says: Babydoll!
    I love it when you come when I call
    Babydoll! You don’t have to talk I know it all

  31. Edward
    Posted May 20, 2011 at 7:42 am | Permalink

    Best place for a national chain to set up shop and start extracting our money from the community.

  32. cmadler
    Posted May 20, 2011 at 11:15 am | Permalink

    Best faux-local establishment

  33. Walt
    Posted May 20, 2011 at 12:00 pm | Permalink

    best place that you tell people you go to but really don’t
    best absentee landlord
    best place to buy a lid

  34. kjc
    Posted May 20, 2011 at 12:09 pm | Permalink

    what???

  35. kjc
    Posted May 20, 2011 at 12:15 pm | Permalink

    never mind, i saw it. stupid.

    but here’s the thing about a restaurant. you might never actually have to use the restroom, or maybe use it only once. if you’re at a bar for a while, that’s not true.

    thank you to the bars that provide decent restrooms, especially for women. drunks deserve it. they spend too much.

  36. Posted May 21, 2011 at 4:42 pm | Permalink

    best slumlord

  37. elle
    Posted May 22, 2011 at 7:39 pm | Permalink

    hey i know this sounds strange but i wana get soem information regarding the who zombie claus thing that happend in 2005. there was teh ‘zombie bunny’ present if im not mistaken and i would like to know how he actually looks without the makeup. because its all over facebuk and i knwo soemone who looks EXACTLY like him! please get back to me if u can!

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