I was at Sidetrack with a friend on Friday night, and noticed that they had an award from AnnArbor.com posted on their wall, and it got me wondering whether or not any local businesses would put up MarkMaynard.com plaques, if they were offered. My friend, who’s somewhat devious by nature, seemed to think that it would be best to work backwards – first identifying businesses that would acknowledge the distinction of a MarkMaynard.com award, and then coming up with categories that we knew they could win. For instance, if we felt fairly certain that Woodruff’s would hang a MarkMaynard.com award, we could could have a “Best Bar for Skinny Men with Tight Pants and Mustaches” category. I, however, think that would be cheating. I’d rather have categories like, “Best Senior Center Puzzle,” and then see what happens.
So, right now, I’m looking at a crumpled-up napkin full of notes that I’d written on Friday night. It’s not by any means an exhaustive list, but these are the categories my friend and I came up with after swilling a few tankards of beer. If you have ideas for others, please leave a comment. [note: Some are in poor taste. Rest assured, they would not be asked if we actually went forward with this competition.]
Best Bacon
Best Urinal
Best Fried Chicken
Best Glory Hole
Most Neglected Property
Best Place to Discipline a Child
Best Store for Shoplifting
Best Place to Be Alone (Masturbating)
Best Place to Be Alone (Non-Masturbating)
Most Clearly Marked Safety Exit
Best Indoor Seating
Best Abortion Provider
Best Homoerotic Experience
Best Smelling Waitstaff
Least Likely Place to Get Laid
Best Stains
Best Local Character
Most Awkward Bathroom Experience (Male)
Most Awkward Bathroom Experience (Female)
Best Local Blog
Best Happy Hour
Best Place to See Some Weird Shit Go Down
Best Puppet Theater
Here, for those of you who are interested, is the list of categories that AnnArbor.com uses.
37 Comments
Best place to run into everyone you would rather avoid
Most Ypsi-centric
iSPY Magazine would be more than happy to sponsor this list and publish it in the pages of an upcoming issue. With the exception of Best Place to Discipline a Child, only because 2 entries later is Best Place to Be Alone (Masturbating) – which would in turn lead to the inevitable answer to Best Place to See Some Weird Shit Go Down.
Upon reflection, why limit this competition to the standard (albeit local) corporate sanctioned censorship? Why not, instead, just place the placards where the voting public pleases?
Examples: “Best place to throw rocks in the Huron River.” Take votes. Tally. Print the placard. And nail it to the nearest tree.
“Best place to put pennies on the train tracks.”
“Best place to see a skirt raised to strangers.”
“Best place to mistake a warm breeze for an angel.”
“Best place to talk with a stranger.”
And so on. Tally, print, pound.
There’s a lot of good food, product, service and such found in Ypsilanti (and area, I guess) businesses. I don’t suggest you exclude them (e.g., best place to scrawl ideas on a napkin) , but I worry that a “best of” that limits itself to what happens in businesses, well, misses most of what is truly “best” about Ypsi.
Best place to see magic happen
Best place to make an enemy
Best watering hole
Best bbq
Store Most Vulnerable to Attack
Cleanest Toilet
Best Customer Service
(I think this would be really interesting.)
Best Strip Club Lunch Special
Most Aggressive Panhandler
Best Ypsilanti Crime Reporting (AnnArbor.com wins!)
Darkest Alley
Best Vandalism and/or Graffiti (this award should be spray-painted adjacent to the vandalism/graffiti)
The Ypsi-Arbor Bowl Sign Memorial Award for Best Former Structure (for buildings and structures that have been removed, fully demolished, etc.)
Most disgusting bathroom
(the truth about this needs to come out)
Best Bathroom graffiti…and worst bathroom graffiti..worst I ever saw was in the Corner’s women’s bathroom. Someone wrote a “joke” that said “What’s the worst thing about being a black Jew? You have to go to the back of the oven.” I told staff and it was immediately X’d off (yay staff!) but it pains me to think that someone who pees there really thinks that way.
I’d also add commenter categories too…cutest couple, best commenter, crazy ass shittiest commenter, etc.
As Andy C hasn’t said it yet, it should be made clear that these awards are for “White Ypsi”.
I also like the idea of category for Gentlest Lover.
How about worst smelling waitstaff?
Best bridge for Pooh Sticks
Most phallic building
Least phallic buliding
Okay these are real:
Ugliest Ypsi building
Most attractive Ypsi building
Street with most potholes (sorry N River already won)
Most attrative Ypsi entranceway
Least attractive Ypsi entranceway (this one is tough)
Best Huron River fishing spot in Ypsi
While the above ideas are okay, I think you want to be a bit less vague and limit the categories to Ypsi:
Best KFC, Best DQ, Best Honda dealer, Best Ford/Suzuki dealer, Best KFC, Best BP, Best Walgreens, Best City Hall, etc.
best place to get shot at
place where something awesome used to be
best way to get home after drinking all night
Best Burned Out Shell of a Building
Best Conversion of a Chain Restaurant into a non-Chain
Best place to stash a body.
Best place to dumpster dive.
And I’d like to second the idea of having a “Best cool place that no longer exists” category.
She might change her opinion after seeing this.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Za9hzdtrgbc
Octopi can get out of tanks and attack!
best private school
best republican donor
best example of gentrification
best place for white people
Best Lawn Furniture Arrangement
Best Trolling Blog Comment
gotta love how annarbor.com turned kjc’s comment upthread into a full on “article” earlier today…
Hottest Ypsilanti woman business owner, or worker.
Watching Laughing.
Best place to find 2 different worlds colliding
(Reader gets to pick the worlds: hipster/non-hipster; black/white; working class; not working class).
Best thoracic mustache
Crookedest wang
I think Smarty Pantz would be a shoe-in for the Best Smarty Catz award.
Laurie Anderson would be proud…
“Baby Doll” from “Strange Angels”
I don’t know about your brain-
but mine is really bossy
I come home from a day on the golf course
and I find all these messages
scribbled on wrinkled up scraps of paper
And they say things like:
Why don’t you get a real job?
Or: You and what army?
Or: Get a horse.
And then I hear this voice comin from the back of my head
Uh huh (Whoa-ho) Yep!
It’s my brain again
And when my brain talks to me, he says:
Take me out to the ballgame
Take me out to the park
Take me to the movies
Cause I love to sit in the dark
Take me to Tahiti
Cause I love to be hot
And take me out on the town tonight
Cause I know the new hot spot.
He says: Babydoll! Ooo oo oo
Babydoll Ooo
He says: Babydoll!
I love it when you come when I call
Babydoll! You don’t have to talk I know it all
Well I’m sitting around trying to write a letter
I’m wracking my brains trying to think of another word for horse
I ask my brain for some assistance.
And he says: Huh…Let’s see…How about cow? That’s close.
He says: Take me out to the ballgame
Take me out to the park
Take me to the movies
Cause I love to sit in the dark
Take me to your leader
And I say: Do you mean George?
And he says: I just want to meet him
And I say: Come on I mean I don’t even know George!
And he says:
Babydoll! Ooo oo oo Babydoll Ooo
He says: Babydoll!
I love it when you come when I call
Babydoll! You don’t have to talk I know it all
Best place for a national chain to set up shop and start extracting our money from the community.
Best faux-local establishment
best place that you tell people you go to but really don’t
best absentee landlord
best place to buy a lid
what???
never mind, i saw it. stupid.
but here’s the thing about a restaurant. you might never actually have to use the restroom, or maybe use it only once. if you’re at a bar for a while, that’s not true.
thank you to the bars that provide decent restrooms, especially for women. drunks deserve it. they spend too much.
best slumlord
hey i know this sounds strange but i wana get soem information regarding the who zombie claus thing that happend in 2005. there was teh ‘zombie bunny’ present if im not mistaken and i would like to know how he actually looks without the makeup. because its all over facebuk and i knwo soemone who looks EXACTLY like him! please get back to me if u can!