A desperate Manhood appropriates my face to win fans, secure lucrative record deal

Two girls came by the house this afternoon. They handed me a box, looked at each other for a second, and ran away.

Given the appearance of the girls, I was expecting it to be something gross, maybe in retaliation for yesterday’s post on the nastiness of dog-punching nomadic crusties. I don’t know what I thought would be inside. It was a small box. Maybe, I thought, it could be a well-worn pair of gutter punk underwear, or, perhaps, a handful of dog hair infested with bedbugs. It turned out to be something worse.

Apparently these two impressionable young street urchins had been sent by the men of Manhole, or, as they’ve taken to calling themselves lately, Manhood. The band, it would seem, wanted me to have one of their new t-shirts.


And, yeah, that’s me on the shirt, wearing pink flamingo glasses, like a 65 year old woman who wants desperately to show her friends how “wild” she is. Maybe that’s how they see me – like an old woman trying to be hip. Actually, it’s not a bad analogy, now that I think about it. There’s another possibility, though. Maybe they respect me, the way one respects an elderly uncle who survived something terrible, like a war, by eating lice and drinking his own urine. And, I guess, it could have something to do with them changing their name to Manhood. Maybe they want to grow up to be like me when they reach manhood, wasting their lives away online and in bars, instead of giving in to the temptation of a sedentary existence in front of the television, or, worse yet, with family. Or, maybe they just wanted to fuck with me. I suspect the truth is somewhere in between. It usually is.

On the off chance that you’d like a shirt for yourself, I suspect that they’d sell you one at a show. Or, if you wait a year or two, they may even give you one.

n2243997_47893936_4588842Oh, and let this be a lesson to you if you post photos on Facebook. You never know what kind of derelict is going to download your picture, photoshop some whacky glasses on it, and put it on a t-shirt.

I’m not pissed, though. I’m honored, actually. They’re good guys. Or at least they seem to be. Two of them even talk to me. And one of them wears an ascot. That’s enough in my book… At any rate, here’s hoping they make it big in the music industry, so that I can sue their asses off.

If you’ve never had the pleasure of experiencing Hole Hood, here’s a little video from this summer’s Shadow Art Fair.

[note: If it wasn’t clear, about the girls who came to give me the box, I was kidding. They didn’t look like acolytes of the Manson family. They were quite lovely, actually, and nice. They were also relatively clean, by Ypsi standards. And they didn’t run away, so much as walk.]

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  1. Kev
    Posted August 21, 2010 at 10:54 pm | Permalink

    Are your ears leaking semen, or is it going it?

  2. Edward
    Posted August 22, 2010 at 9:48 am | Permalink

    I cannot imagine a bigger insult than being made the mascot of Manhood. I weep for you, Mr. Maynard.

    My prayers are with you this Sunday morning.

  3. Billy LaLonde
    Posted August 22, 2010 at 2:53 pm | Permalink

    Viva la ascot!

  4. Kevin Schultz
    Posted August 22, 2010 at 6:34 pm | Permalink

    You are the new Jambo Man.

    Hopefully no one kidnaps you and pulls your tongue out.

    The life of a mascot in Ypsilanti is not easy.

  5. Elf
    Posted August 22, 2010 at 7:52 pm | Permalink

    The Ramones had their pinhead, and Manhold has you.

  6. Tom Perkins
    Posted August 22, 2010 at 7:59 pm | Permalink

    creeps and goons.

  7. Ellen Tuffington
    Posted August 22, 2010 at 8:33 pm | Permalink

    Did they, or didn’t they, change their name? This shirt, which I assume is brand new, says “Manhole”, doesn’t it?

  8. Anonymatt
    Posted August 23, 2010 at 7:23 am | Permalink

    You should threaten them with legal action unless they black out your face on the t-shirts. I’ve heard that works.

  9. Edward
    Posted August 23, 2010 at 9:42 am | Permalink

    I agree with Anonymatt. It should have been Mark Maynard in blackface.

  10. Mr. X
    Posted August 23, 2010 at 10:20 am | Permalink

    I’ve heard it suggested that Mr. Maynard, who is obsessed with the band, made these shirts himself.

  11. hot girl
    Posted August 23, 2010 at 10:24 am | Permalink

    You’re an egomaniac with a beautiful face.

  12. Tim
    Posted August 23, 2010 at 12:15 pm | Permalink

    Can someone please tell me where I can steal one of these?

  13. Steve Swan
    Posted August 23, 2010 at 1:46 pm | Permalink

    My plan it to pump so much DNA into mine that it becomes a sentient being.

  14. Andy C
    Posted August 23, 2010 at 5:01 pm | Permalink

    Woo Hoo! Now I can punch Mark Maynard in the face with out literally doing it. Open season on Manhole/hood members and fans. It’s like a “kick me” sign on their backs. I’m so pumped right now!

  15. Brackinald Achery
    Posted August 23, 2010 at 5:48 pm | Permalink

    I think the shades are pretty fabulous.

    Which reminds me — has it ever occurred to anyone else that Elton John is pretty much like a pop gay English Scotty Karate?

  16. Anonymatt
    Posted August 23, 2010 at 5:53 pm | Permalink

    Steve Swan, that’s exactly how Mark gained sentience.

  17. dragon
    Posted August 23, 2010 at 7:11 pm | Permalink

    In honor of their name change I think it would be irresponsible not to speculate whether or not the back of the shirt says ASSHOOD.

  18. Posted August 23, 2010 at 8:33 pm | Permalink

    Things aren’t good when even your friends want to punch you in the face.

    On the up side, my face, thanks to this shirt, just showed up in the Metro Times.

    And I’m going to use “egomaniac with a beautiful face” on my business cards from now on.

  19. Posted August 23, 2010 at 8:36 pm | Permalink

    And I love the idea that I made these. Please spread that rumor. Tell people that I’m obsessed by HoodHole, and I made these without their consent. Tell people that I fantasize about being their muse.

  20. Mansuck
    Posted August 25, 2010 at 5:32 pm | Permalink

    Doesnt Manhole know better than stealing? They dont support the Artist responsible for markmaynard.com? No mention of Mark on the shirt? They should rename their band to Markhood or be sued. Here are the demands in order to be allowed to continue slaughtering their instruments:

    1. Never play in Ypsi again
    2. Refund any money paid to come see one of thier “shows” for all attendees
    3. Make feline sized shirts
    4. Get a real job
    5. Cut all ties with Keelan Ferraro. She is bad for business.
    6. Make the man child Steve Jolly your mascot (he is sweet and the only redeeming quality of Manhood)
    7. Kiss my ass
    8. Kiss Mark’s ass

    Once these demands are met, we can continue to live in a peaceful society with good music and opinionated blogs

  21. Shannon Cotino
    Posted August 25, 2010 at 10:07 pm | Permalink

    Any Maynard Hole product, whether meat, egg or t-shirt in nature, has a high susceptibility to salmonella. Best to boil your hands after handling. I can confidently say that Maynard Hole products are not my obsession. I have no axe to grind. This is just something that I’ve observed.

  22. Cathole
    Posted August 26, 2010 at 2:16 pm | Permalink

    Cut his tongue off!

  23. Posted August 27, 2010 at 10:35 am | Permalink

    Mansuck, I would like to reiterate that no members of MANHOOD, MANHOLE or MARKMAYNARDHOLE nor anyone subject to contracts or treaties thereof is involved in the DIAZOTROPHICAL MEOWKESTRA or abduction of JAMBO MAN. On behalf of the unaffiliated entity MANHOLE THROWBACK, however, we happily accept demands 1,2,3: never playing ypsi again (outside the autonomous GC zone), refunding any and all money ever payed by anyone to see MANHOLE THROWBACK and looking into the production of MM-themed cathole shirts.

    If you’re making some kind of allusion to the JAMBOREE artist boycott issue, in that case an artist agreed to design a logo for no pay in return for attribution. Through an unintentional oversight, this image appeared several places in local print and online with no credit. Becoming aware of this, said artist sent a FB message to her network explaining the situation and suggesting a boycott. All I really know about the situation is from facebook and is that the director of the festival thought it fit to post an insulting (now deleted) reply citing expenditure of $20 as irrefutable evidence that he supports the arts, demanding the message be censored and accusing her of disrespecting all the volunteer work that goes into the organization. Subsequently, same director expressed attitude that announcing the artist’s name from the stage of the festival was more than enough to make up for the situation, disregarding the fact that the uncredited image was spread across a much wider segment of the population than those who actually went to the jamboree.

    And then when I suggest that this dude acts like the festival is his personal party in the context of a hilarious list of clearly satirical ransom demands out “in public” three comments down on the facebook page of their fictional mascot, its “slanderous” “way over the top” “offensive” etc.

    The MARKHOLE t-shirts are a way different situation. Mark’s name doesn’t need to be on it because it’s clear for anyone to see that his likeness is on the shirt and as a local celebrity who has already been successfully appropriated into the puppet realm, his likeness will just naturally continue to disperse through assorted representational forms.

    As for #5 diss on kee, when you put down one mother, you puttin down muthas all over the world: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z1RfSnGZKic

  24. Mr. X
    Posted August 27, 2010 at 1:22 pm | Permalink

    MaynardHOLE should form, record all of ManHOLE’s material, and copyright it. That’s the only way justice will be served.

  25. Mr. X
    Posted August 27, 2010 at 1:23 pm | Permalink

    Furthermore, Mr. Maynard is entitled to a vest made from the tongues of the men of ManHOLE.

  26. torpedos oi
    Posted January 7, 2011 at 2:59 pm | Permalink

    I saw Manhood in New York and their music gave me chills, that, by the end of the set, had evolved into diarrhea. I bought one of these shirts to cover my shit-filled white jeans.

8 Trackbacks

  1. By An ad for the Mark Maynard Manhug shirt on September 28, 2010 at 10:26 pm

    […] how I told you that a local band here in Ypsi called Manhug had appropriated my image for a t-shirt? Well, I know I shouldn’t be helping them out, and giving them ideas as to how they might be […]

  2. By Ypsi/Arbor exit interview: Hollis Knight Coats on September 15, 2011 at 5:12 am

    […] Knight Coats, the musical genius behind the band Manhole, recently decided to leave Ypsilanti for Portland, Oregon. Before he left, I tried to meet up with […]

  3. […] acknowledgedBy Mark | May 1, 2012Remember that band, Manhole, that got run out of Ypsi after they appropriated my face for an ill-fated line of leisurewear? Well, all the guys came back to town this last weekend, in hopes of acquiring free pancakes and […]

  4. By Ypsi/Arbor Exit Interview: Leggz on November 12, 2012 at 10:12 pm

    […] care giving at a facility for people with developmental disabilities.MARK: So, what’s up with Manhole? Are things good?LEGGZ: Manhole has always been a continuously evolving thing. Right now, […]

  5. […] Stevo “Doc” Doccerson, who plays on this tape, was also in Ypsilanti limbo-rock goof troupe Manhole, wore his hair like Morrissey, and to this day performs as a troll at renaissance fairs. It was a […]

  6. […] for Manhole, I doubt they’ll be back. Once I confronted them about appropriating my image, they scattered to the winds. No, I don’t think we’ll ever see the likes of Leggs, Doc, […]

  7. […] Puppet Troupe 9:30 p.m. Jovantoes 10:00 p.m. Emily Jane Powers 10:45 p.m. Deadbeat Beat 11:30 p.m. Manhole 12:30 a.m. The Real Spicollis 1:00 a.m. The PreMadonnas 1:30 a.m. […]

  8. […] arrangements in India? Will it be Hollis and Logan? And, if so, have you thought of doing a live Manhole reunion, maybe over the telephone, with Logan and Hollis playing there, the rest of the band […]

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