Turtles want their lives back too, you self-obsessed asshole


The quote, for those of you who don’t recognize it, is from Tony Hayward, the President of BP, who, I believe, said it in complete seriousness, as though he felt that people should feel sorry for his plight.

With all the focus on dead dolphins and sea turtles, like the one pictured above, I think we tend to lose sight of the fact that CEOs like Hayward are suffering too. They’re the real losers here, being kept, as they are, from the polo fields and private clubs to which they’ve become accustomed. It’s easy to look at a photo of a dead turtle or oil-bloated dolphin carcass and feel overcome by sadness, but who cries for Tony Hayward? Who cries for the vulnerable CEOs, forced against their will to walk the beaches of America’s east coast, feigning concern and trying to force tears through their cold, dead eyes?

And, here, since I brought up turtles, is a clip from the Discover magazine website:

…My brave friend Leilani Munter called from the field to report that the National Wildlife Federation and CNN had documented the first sea turtle caught in a slick at sea, gasping for air through an iridescent sheen. Tragically, just as nesting season for a number of the Gulf of Mexico’s sea turtle species is set to begin, these highly endangered animals become the poster species of the BP Gulf of Mexico oil spill.

Soon, if not already, adult male and female turtles will gather in shallow coastal waters, mate and prepare to nest, precisely where oil is accumulating. The pregnant females will scuttle across beaches at night to lay eggs, just as they’ve done for millions of years, but these beaches will be different—they will be blacked with oil. In a few short weeks, a new generation of hatchlings will emerge from the sand and make their way across oily beaches to an oily sea where tar balls and slicks will make their already-long odds of survival even longer. As they mature, they will have to rise through oil slicks to breathe and survive by eating oil-coated animals, algae and seagrass. While sea turtle will be among the most recognizable victims, they won’t be alone. Many species of birds, fish, invertebrates and plants will fare just as badly…

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  1. Knox
    Posted June 3, 2010 at 6:37 am | Permalink

    I don’t think Hayward will be there too long. His shareholders don’t give a damn about the turtles, dolphins, or people that make their livings on the water, but they do care about the stock price and it’s dropping fast.

  2. Kim
    Posted June 3, 2010 at 7:33 am | Permalink

    If he wants life, I say we give him life.

  3. Kelly
    Posted June 3, 2010 at 6:59 pm | Permalink

    This is a picture of a bird. I’m sure it wasn’t it’s life back too.


  4. No Nose Tony
    Posted June 3, 2010 at 8:54 pm | Permalink

    I’m no animal rights goof, but this makes me sick. Someone should stick ice picks in this mother fucker’s balls until he squeals…anyone who has anything to do with the shrugging off of the safety net for this rig…ice picks, bitches…in your balls. Get the chairs and the duct tape.

  5. Robert
    Posted June 4, 2010 at 6:25 am | Permalink

    Does BA have another Max Headroom video he can post to help us cretins make sense of all of this?

  6. Robert
    Posted June 4, 2010 at 6:35 am | Permalink

    The solution here is clear. BP needs to ban cameras from getting within 10 miles of any part of the affected area.

    BP should also follow the examples of Blackwater and Brachinald Archery and change their name.

  7. Peter Larson
    Posted June 4, 2010 at 6:52 am | Permalink

    It’s all OK. Jesus gave us dominion over the Earth and all it’s creatures and the End Times will takes us away from all the shit we fucked up.

  8. Robert
    Posted June 4, 2010 at 7:06 am | Permalink

    Good point, Peter.

    I might have thought of that eventually. I’ve just been busy putting together a search party to go out looking for BA and EOS. I’m worried about them.

  9. EOS
    Posted June 4, 2010 at 7:50 am | Permalink

    “The Rabbinical Council of Judea and Samaria issued a statement Thursday in which it said that the results of the incident in which Israel intercepted a flotilla trying to break the naval blockade of Gaza seem like the Biblical description of “the beginning of the Gog and Magog process where the world is against Israel, but which ends with the third and final redemption.

    “‘Gog and Magog’ is a reference is to chapters 38 and 39 in the book of Ezekiel, a part of which is read on the intermediate Sabbath of Sukkot (Tabernacles). These chapters describe a vision of a war where the world is united against Israel that will precede the final redemption. The prophecy’s symbolism involves a prince called Gog of Magog, leader of Rosh, Meshech and Tubal, who leads a coalition that includes Persia (Iran), Cush, Phut, Gomer, and Beit Togarmah against Israel. There are various opinions regarding the modern identity of these nations.”

    There is growing interest in the Ezekiel prophecies and whether they could play out in our lifetime. It is still too early to say anything definitively. But current events are strikingly consistent with the prophecies and it is possible that we could see these events unfold soon. The mention of “Gomer” in Ezekiel, for example, refers to the modern-day State of Turkey which will be an enemy of Israel and part of a Russian-Iranian alliance against the Jewish state. I’m not saying the prophecy will necessarily come to pass soon, but you can’t rule out that possibility. We’ve never seen a convergence of geopolitical and spiritual events so consistent with Ezekiel 38-39 in history like we are seeing today. We need to be prepared.

    Hey, it’s even possible the world will end before we figure out how to cap the oil flow. Today could be the day.

  10. Edward
    Posted June 4, 2010 at 7:54 am | Permalink

    That’s the most fucking hilarious thing I’ve heard yet, EOS. Please move this to the front page, Mark. People need to know that there’s a solution to the BP oil spill on the horizon – RAPTURE!

  11. Andy C
    Posted June 4, 2010 at 8:07 am | Permalink

    Can’t wait for the end of days. All the Christians gone and another chance to crucify Jesus. I’m all for it!

  12. Knox
    Posted June 4, 2010 at 8:27 am | Permalink

    If Jesus had been killed like the bird linked to above, covered in oil, I wonder if, instead of a cross, we’d worship under a barrel of oil.

  13. Knox
    Posted June 4, 2010 at 8:28 am | Permalink

    Maybe, that dead dolphin was their Jesus, and the dolphins will worship beneath a barrel of oil when it’s their turn to rule the earth.

  14. kjc
    Posted June 4, 2010 at 9:33 am | Permalink

    “It is still too early to say anything definitively.”

    Best line.

  15. dragon
    Posted June 4, 2010 at 10:15 am | Permalink

    Palin/Oh-Magog 2012

  16. Kim
    Posted June 4, 2010 at 10:22 am | Permalink

    If Gomer was a sign of the apocalypse, when didn’t the earth end in the mid-60s?


  17. EOS
    Posted June 4, 2010 at 10:31 am | Permalink

    Approximately 2500 prophecies appear in the pages of the Bible, about 2000 of which already have been fulfilled to the letter—no errors. (The remaining 500 or so reach into the future and may be seen unfolding as days go by.) The odds for all these prophecies having been fulfilled by chance without error is less than one in 10 x e2000 (that is 1 with 2000 zeros written after it).

  18. Peter Larson
    Posted June 4, 2010 at 10:54 am | Permalink

    I hope that the prophecy that all you assholes will leave the earth will come true soon.

  19. Robert
    Posted June 4, 2010 at 11:18 am | Permalink

    As you can see, I found EOS. He must have been wandering around in the summer heat for days. He seems even more delierious than usual.

    BA is still AWOL. I think he might have gone underground.

    It’s good to see that these great thinkers keep their wits about them when the world as they’ve imagined it begins to come crashing down. They seem to have though things through almost as well as the folks at BP.

  20. Robert
    Posted June 4, 2010 at 11:20 am | Permalink

    Sorry about that extra “e” in delirious. I’ve been wandering around out in the summer heat looking for EOS and BA.

  21. Kim
    Posted June 4, 2010 at 11:58 am | Permalink

    It’s a shame that the Bible didn’t warn us about WWII, or any of the other truly evil things that humanity has been through. Better God should spend his time waxing eloquent on the emortal battle between Gomer and Goober.

  22. Kim
    Posted June 4, 2010 at 11:59 am | Permalink

    And I too have apparently been wandering in the desert. That should have read “immortal”.

  23. Robert
    Posted June 4, 2010 at 12:06 pm | Permalink

    Thanks for joining the manhunt, Kim. We need to find BA before he hurts himself. In his state he may wander off a cliff or into traffic or something.

    Ok, maybe that’s not the best way to get people motivated. We should do it for the traffic, or for whoever might be at the bottom of the cliff just minding their own business.

  24. Posted June 4, 2010 at 1:02 pm | Permalink

    Ah, here we go:

    BP’s Photo Blockade of the Gulf Oil Spill


    Photographers say BP and government officials are preventing them from documenting the impact of the Deepwater Horizon disaster.

  25. Iced Tea With Lemon
    Posted June 4, 2010 at 2:04 pm | Permalink

    Where is the Tea Party, with all their guns now? They are keeping you off land that you own and pay taxes on…plus…it’s a real tea party! A Jed Clampett Texas Tea Party! If you are true patriots, help us out. Protest for your freedom of the press! Chickenshit lazy asses…

  26. Peter Larson
    Posted June 4, 2010 at 5:24 pm | Permalink

    The Bible is useless. It didn’t warn us what incredible assholes Christian would become after Jesus died.

  27. Brackinald Achery
    Posted June 4, 2010 at 9:33 pm | Permalink

    Sorry, Robert, I didn’t know you were looking for me. Present.

  28. Bracknuckleduster
    Posted June 5, 2010 at 1:15 am | Permalink

    he’s back!

  29. Robert
    Posted June 5, 2010 at 6:08 am | Permalink

    If the reason you haven’t been around so much is because you’ve gotten a life, could you get me one too?

  30. Brackinald Achery
    Posted June 5, 2010 at 9:56 am | Permalink

    Robert, while getting in unpersuasive fights on Mark’s blog is admittedly a high calling that benefits everyone, I feel my mission has been largely fulfilled here, and that lately I’ve been called to less noble pursuits: namely, spending my spare time actually doing shit with my life. So I suggest you find shit to do, and do it. Like burn an abandoned house down, or poison that annoying dog that barks all night, or just jump the fence of your life and live naked in the woods, howling at the moon and killing squirrels with your teeth. Life is short.

  31. Brackinald Achery
    Posted June 5, 2010 at 10:27 am | Permalink

    PS — unless some evidence of criminal negligence surfaces, I’m forced to conclude that the oil well disaster is nothing more than a really shitty accident that nobody can do anything about yet. It sucks. Shit happens. If evidence of criminal negligence surfaces, whoever did it should be prosecuted. Drill on land, next time. It’s easier to fix shit when it happens on land.

  32. Oliva
    Posted June 5, 2010 at 3:17 pm | Permalink

    I like the idea of Robert wondering if BA went underground and it turning out he’s been jumping fences. Seems like you, BA, could bring Robert along one time–then maybe more of us. Hoping not too many mosquitoes over on the other side–so many on this side the past few days. I agree re. life and short. But I sure do appreciate this blog and the commenters here sometimes. I think the chemical effects inside are similar when a person is tickled, so to speak, about something she reads from another life she knows or imagines, such as here at this blog, and when she actually gets tickled. So in this short life, thank you all for being engaging and sometimes funny and sometimes powerful, among many other things, so life on this side of the fence is also worthwhile, though not always naked.

  33. Brackinald Achery
    Posted June 5, 2010 at 7:31 pm | Permalink

    Good God, Oliva, you totally nailed it. There are too many mosquitoes on the other side. How did the Indians deal with that? Do you smear mud on yourself or something?

  34. Kim
    Posted June 11, 2010 at 9:03 am | Permalink

    New research is showing that it’s closer to 1 million gallons a day spewing into the Gulf.

    New estimate suggests that, if the flow has been more or less consistent since the April 20 blowout, approximately 53.6 million to 64.3 million gallons of oil have emerged from the well. That is roughly five to six times the amount spilled in Alaskan waters in 1989 by the Exxon Valdez.

    The new figures, obtained Thursday by The Washington Post and soon to be officially announced by the U.S. Geological Survey, indicate that early estimates of the flow rate by the federal government and oil giant BP were not even close to the mark.

    For more information:

One Trackback

  1. By You got your Gog in my Magog on June 5, 2010 at 9:16 pm

    […] been requested that I move this bit of craziness up to the front page, from the comments section of a recent thread, where it was left by a reader in Ypsi Township calling himself EOS. He didn’t indicate it in […]

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