Responding to spam

I rarely respond to spam, but there’s something about this letter that I received today that I find intriguing. Maybe it’s because it’s the first fake letter that I’ve received in a long that didn’t explicitly note either the function and size of my cock or an enormous amount of money being held in a foreign bank… At any rate, I’m thinking about responding, and I’m open to ideas as to how to play it. Should I, for instance, be a lonely strip club manager who dreams of going to culinary school, or a single father with tuberculosis? All ideas will considered.

Hello Dear,

I came here to look for my second half, my soul mate, my friend. It is
interesting to tell about myself to you, as I haven’t seen you ever before.
But I feel something inside. I feel like a little sign of hope that I am not
doing this in vain. I feel that you have the friendly soul to mine.
What I want to find is Love. Yes, Love from the big letter. Love demands
everything to present yourself, your soul to the other person. I want to
do this. I want to learn you better. If you want the same, I will be very
glad. I want to meet you and spend life with you together. I want to comfort
your heart with tenderness and care. Maybe our souls belong each other. If
you want to find that you, please write to me.


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  1. Kim
    Posted March 22, 2010 at 8:02 pm | Permalink

    Tell her that you’re an online superhero who calls himself Designated Republican, that lives in his mother’s basement, when not having tea parties with other middle aged men.

  2. DRich
    Posted March 22, 2010 at 10:13 pm | Permalink

    Isn’t “Love from the Big Letter” a great album title?

    I think you should be a middle-aged Midwesterner with a bad back and OCD.

  3. dragon
    Posted March 22, 2010 at 11:00 pm | Permalink

    I knew the local economy was hurting, but is it really that slow at the Sidetrack? Oldest trick in the book, to lure you away from the Brewery. Demand free beer.

  4. Mr.SwettyBallz
    Posted March 23, 2010 at 12:18 am | Permalink

    DRich, I think the middle-aged midwesterner with a bad back trick has been tried on internet scams before. I think Mark was looking for something new.
    I say he should agree to meet his prospective love at a highway wayside just like ordinary. But here is the twist. He should already have removed his organs and bashed himself over the head by the time the crew gets to the meeting. That will teach them a thing or two about how the Midwest does online griftering.
    He could also have already taken some photos of his own toothbrush in somebody else’s rectum just in case they were looking for revenge.

  5. Kevin
    Posted March 23, 2010 at 5:59 am | Permalink

    You should beet her to the punch, and respond that you’re the child of some recently killed African ruler, and that you need her help to secure funds in a Swiss bank.

  6. Karl
    Posted March 23, 2010 at 8:41 am | Permalink

    Ask for a photo and be very specific as to what she needs to include in it, so that you can tell it’s really her… “I want to see a photo of you in an orange hat, holding today’s newspaper, in a fast food restaurant of your choice.”

  7. Edward
    Posted March 23, 2010 at 9:40 am | Permalink

    “I have just been released from prison. I have a tattoo across my face that says “HATE”. As you can imagine, it is hard to make friends. Now that I’ve found my soulmate, though, all of that will change. Please move to the rural Texas county where I live immediately so that we can begin our wedded life together. If you have sisters or female friends, please bring them too.”

  8. Elf
    Posted March 23, 2010 at 10:08 am | Permalink

    You should respond with a photo of Puppet Mark, and tell her about your harrowing transformation from human to puppet.

  9. Hot Knuckle Lover
    Posted March 23, 2010 at 11:57 am | Permalink

    Tell her you need 50 bucks for a Blocking Rectifier Diode.

  10. Arno
    Posted March 23, 2010 at 1:06 pm | Permalink

    Ask her if she’s ever heard of a Michigan Mudbucket.

  11. Andy1313
    Posted March 23, 2010 at 2:58 pm | Permalink

    What a total slut! Linda sent me the same message yesterday and I already sent her a clear full face AND cock shot. Beware!

    Damn, fooled again.

  12. KevinR
    Posted March 25, 2010 at 8:03 am | Permalink

    There’s only one way to respond:

    Hello Dear,

    I am Engr.Lamin Bojang the chairman of the contract award committee of the Construction and Infrastructure Ministry of Works here in The Gambia. For security reasons, I may not wish to disclose the most important thing for now until I hear from you. After due deliberation with my partners, I decided to forward to you this business proposal, we want you to assist us receive contract bill sum of Eleven million united state bills into your account with 30% offer. This bill stemmed from a contract awarded to Mr. Chang Huang, a Taiwan contractor. Who later died in motor accident in his country. Taiwan. The bill is the balance for the contract yet to be paid.

    We have been exercising patience for this privilege for so long not until the presidential announcement, that all foreign contractors owed be paid forthwith, this is a lifetime blessing we cannot afford to miss. Now, we need a foreigner that will stand as the contractor to receive the contract bill. Note this transaction is very much free from all sorts of risk hence the business was carefully planned and it will be successfully executed.

    Contact me via my private email address: (insert hotmail address)
    Your prompt reply will be highly appreciated.

    Best Regards,

    Engr.Lamin Bojang.

  13. Michael Woodyard
    Posted March 27, 2010 at 7:25 am | Permalink

    my favorite subject line from a spam was “for the enlightnment of your donger”

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