Random thoughts on a Thursday night alone

I was all excited to write about this rumor going around today that Chief Justice John Roberts was preparing to step down from the Supreme Court for “personal reasons,” but, sadly, it looks like it’s not true. I hate when stuff like that happens, and I get my hopes all up about something, only to have them dashed. Now, all I can think about is the fact that he’s only 55 years old, and we’re likely to have him on the court for another 40 years… Speaking of which, I know I’ve said this before, but, ladies, if I were you, I’d get my abortions now, while you can.

Oh, it’s not related, but a reader calling himself Captain Clark just sent in a link to a great appearance by New York Congressman Anthony Weiner on the FOX morning show. If you watch anything today, watch this. It’s breathtaking. Weiner takes on three well-programmed conservative news-bots, defending the public option, and proceeds to beat them into smoldering heaps of goo with their own arguments. His positioning of the subject is brilliant. He makes it all about cost containment and the free market. Here it is. Watch it:

Oh, and if you’re still in the mood to watch videos when you’re done with that, check out this news story about an anti-gay rights California State Senator who was arrested for drunk driving after leaving a gay bar last night. And, it’s probably worth noting that there was another man in his car at the time of the arrest. His identity has yet to be disclosed, but I’ve got my fingers crossed that maybe it has something to do with the rumor earlier today that John Roberts was stepping down for “personal reasons.”

And I know I should be happy for my friend Jeff, who was just asked by Chevrolet to wave out the window of a green Camaro during Scranton’s big St. Patrick’s Day parade, like he’s an astronaut or something, but all I feel is the white-hot, searing pain of jealousy. Sure, I’ve got a puppet and a TV show, but I want to live in a state where bloggers are real parade-worthy celebrities. I want to hang drunkenly out the window of a slow-moving Camaro, with a plastic crown on my head, hoisting a giant, one-gallon mug of Yuengling as ugly ladies with big hair cackle and slingshot their filthy unmentionables in my direction.

OK, on that note, I’m going to move the party on over to Facebook.

Goodnight, my invisible friends.

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  1. Posted March 4, 2010 at 10:55 pm | Permalink

    You’re right, Mark! Bloggers *should* be celebrities and be in a parade. I guess we could make heads of ourselves and walk at the FestiFools. I’m taking my kiddos there for a field trip, so say the word if you want us to make your head. (There are so many things wrong with this post that I don’t even know where to begin!) :) :)

  2. P S
    Posted March 4, 2010 at 11:02 pm | Permalink

    On one hand, it’s depressing as hell that it takes decades or more to turn this enormous ship of state that we’re all on, but at least we know that it can be done.

    Speaking of which, I know I’ve said this before, but, ladies, if I were you, I’d get my abortions now, while you can.

    We know that the effort is worth it, and that reality eventually wins out over fear, superstition and prejudice.

  3. Mr.SwettyBallz
    Posted March 4, 2010 at 11:36 pm | Permalink

    Wait a minute, Mark. I think you are on to something. All we need to straighten out all our health care problems is mandatory, free abortions starting today. We won’t have to worry about Medicare or Meidcaid or insurance companies or really even funerals or food or veganism or any of that stuff, or school closings or anything.
    We can call it “No Child Left Intact”.
    So anyway, John Roberts was blowing the Senator in the car when he got stopped? Is that what you are saying? That would be kind of cool in a way. I know he is Chief Justice or whatever, but that would be weird, funny, interesting, everything that a Chief Justice is not.

  4. Posted March 4, 2010 at 11:53 pm | Permalink

    Runs in, Moons the room, runs out….

  5. Hot Knuckle Lover
    Posted March 4, 2010 at 11:54 pm | Permalink

    This is way off topic, but since you mentioned it, someday I’d love to hear your thoughts on the value of your party on facebook vs. blogging … besides natural selection of friends.

  6. discount erectile dysfunction medications
    Posted March 5, 2010 at 4:00 am | Permalink

    What do you call yourself? Are you a professional journalist? An elf? A Shaman? A sad man who sits alone at night and writes for people who he doesn’t know?

  7. Alfie
    Posted March 5, 2010 at 9:02 am | Permalink

    Word is that the Congressman was once Jon Stewart’s roommate.

  8. Kenn Etch
    Posted March 5, 2010 at 9:05 am | Permalink

    I’d prefer we treat bloggers like Romans treated Christians.

  9. Curt Waugh
    Posted March 5, 2010 at 10:39 am | Permalink

    Mark, you should totally make a float for the 4th of July parade. (Festifools, my Ypsitucus.) Adorn it with nothing. Spend the entire parade just sitting at a desk on the flatbed typing.

  10. Posted March 5, 2010 at 11:33 am | Permalink

    Great idea!

  11. Robert
    Posted March 5, 2010 at 12:12 pm | Permalink

    I love Curt’s idea too. You could twitter and blog live from your float as it makes it’s way along the parade route.

  12. Oliva
    Posted March 5, 2010 at 12:42 pm | Permalink

    We just look invisible, but friends? Yes!

    And yes to the idea re. the Fourth of July Parade. Maybe we can do a little fund raising to assist and also help supply you with ample treats to toss from the float. (Last July Alma’s bubble bottles landed all over the sidewalks and grass along the route and didn’t get picked up very quickly, and I think this might have been discouraging to her, who is lovable and well meaning–so maybe something that people would rather hang onto? Mark Maynard finger puppets?)

  13. Ted
    Posted March 5, 2010 at 12:56 pm | Permalink

    Or, you could shave a giant paper-mache testicle on the flatbed.

  14. Seven Larry Seven
    Posted March 5, 2010 at 2:19 pm | Permalink

    I’m picturing something like this, only signifying testes instead of butt cheeks.


  15. Tim
    Posted March 5, 2010 at 2:24 pm | Permalink

    If only there were a way to harness the energy of frenzied gay Republican sex. We could potentially free ourselves of the need for foreign oil.

  16. 'Ff'lo
    Posted March 5, 2010 at 4:01 pm | Permalink

    Oh, thanks for that clip. He eviscerates ’em.

    Giant parading puppet testicles, however, I’m not so sure I’m dying to see.

  17. Robert
    Posted March 5, 2010 at 4:05 pm | Permalink

    To make it worth watching, we should get a dozen or so hot women to dance around singing “Baby’s got sack.”

  18. Edward
    Posted March 5, 2010 at 4:42 pm | Permalink

    Maybe a bunch of people could be on the float, shaving a giant, hairy testicle, and you could burst out of it once it’s hairless, singing something like My Way. I think that would be incredible.

  19. Lacy
    Posted March 5, 2010 at 11:43 pm | Permalink

    I like where you’re going Edward, but, instead, can tiny Surinam toad puppets burst out of the testicle’s oversized pores and swipe at Mark as he types?

  20. Mr.SwettyBallz
    Posted March 6, 2010 at 12:54 am | Permalink

    Believe me, Tim, I have tried and tried to harness the energy of frenzied gay republican sex.
    It is completely futile.
    I can’t even decide if frenzied gay republican sex is endothermic or exothermic?
    Should I ask Larry Craig the next time I am at the airport?

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