Broken ribs and bikini machines

Someone from my doctor’s office called earlier with the results of the x-rays I’d taken yesterday. Apparently they showed that I had two fractured ribs. Here, for those of you who are interested in leaving flowers, candles and the like at the site where the incident took place, is a map showing where I smashed them up against the side of a metal utility box. (I’ll eventually get around to painting two small ribs on the side of the box, but it’ll have to wait until I can bend down without screaming.)


My first inclination was to say that I’d spent my day talking with Jeffery Fieger about the possibility of a suit against the City of Ypsilanti and the heirs of the Olmsted brothers, who designed the park back in the 1800’s, but then I figured that someone would take me seriously and get all pissed off. So, instead, I’ll stick to the truth. I spent the day on the couch, getting caught up on the most recent scandal to rock the set of CBS’s The Bachelor, watching TV commercials from my childhood, and researching the history of Dr. Goldfoot and the Bikini Machine… It may be the painkillers, but I’m fascinated by the idea of a bikini machine.

I’d never heard of the film Dr. Goldfoot and the Bikini Machine until this morning. As you might be able to ascertain from the title, it’s essentially a spoof of the then popular James Bond film Goldfinger. It stars Frankie Avalon and Vincent Price. The movie was released in the U.S. in 1965, and a sequel, shot in Italy, came out the following year. The sequel was called Dr. Goldfoot and the Girl Bombs. (The title of the Italian version was Spie Vengono dal Semifreddo, or The Spies Who Came In From the Frozen Custard.) There’s a lot about the original movie, which I’ve yet to see, that intrigues me, but the big thing, other than the fact that it has an incredibly odd theme song performed by the Supremes and a claymation title sequence by Detroit-born animator Art Clokey (the father of Davey, Goliath, Pokey and Gumby, who just passed away a few days ago), was the sequel’s Italian version, which starred the Sicilian comedy duo of Franco Franchi and Ciccio Ingrassia, who you can see performing in this mind-bending scene.

I still haven’t found any answers, but I became fascinated by the specifics which led the crew to Italy (this time with Fabian instead of Frankie Avalon), and I wanted to know how it came to pass. As I imagine that the footage of Franco and Ciccio was predominantly used in the Italian version, I was also curious as to how the production was staged. (I love stories about movies being made simultaneously, sometime with different casts, for different markets.) Anyway, this is apparently how I spend my time when on painkillers… And here’s a clip from the Dr. Goldfoot and the Bikini Machine.

[This post was brought to you by Conan O’Brien, and the realization that Jay Leon is, was, and always has been, a no-talent douche.]

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  1. Andy Ypsilanti
    Posted January 12, 2010 at 11:20 pm | Permalink

    I recomemend The Adventures of Buckaroo Banzai Across the 8th Demension for you painkiller induced tv supor

    And Leno was a great, and clean, stand up once, long ago. He could never interview worth a crap, though.

    Ah well.

    Remember, no matter where you go, there you are.

  2. Taco Tom
    Posted January 13, 2010 at 6:46 am | Permalink

    There’s a reason it’s called “Suicide Hill”.

  3. Edward
    Posted January 13, 2010 at 7:58 am | Permalink

    Not to be confused with “Dr. Atta and the Burka Machine.”

    Which isn’t nearly so sexy.

  4. Delvin Shistle
    Posted January 13, 2010 at 8:08 am | Permalink

    Some friends and I were drunk the other night, and walked onto that new 12-dollar wooden gazibo on the river. The moment we got to the middle of the thing, it started to creak, make cracking soundz, then the whole structure tipped a bit, not much, a couple inches, toward the river.

    Frightened, we got off the gazibo as fast as we could. And saw, 20 or so yards off, Linda French tossing what looked like a crack pipe into the river.

  5. Lee
    Posted January 13, 2010 at 8:51 am | Permalink

    that’s a pretty dangerous sledding hill. i’ve broken some ribs there as well.

  6. Kim
    Posted January 13, 2010 at 9:18 am | Permalink

    It could have been worse. You could have been mesmerized by “Chris with a Teacup” all day long.

  7. Posted January 13, 2010 at 9:30 am | Permalink

    I love that Supremes song…

  8. Steph's Dad
    Posted January 13, 2010 at 9:49 am | Permalink

    Vincent Price sure had a wild career. I wonder what he was like.

  9. Andy C
    Posted January 13, 2010 at 10:34 am | Permalink

    We should build a ramp on that utility box!

    I’m also afraid that, after this post, the city will ban sledding in the park. I can so see them trying that.

  10. Steph
    Posted January 13, 2010 at 12:46 pm | Permalink

    It’s because of the ice, but people are going farther and faster this year than in years past. People are getting right up to the river. I don’t think anyone has gone in yet, though.

  11. Steph
    Posted January 13, 2010 at 12:47 pm | Permalink

    And if someone tries to ban sledding because of this, I say bullshit.

  12. One Voice
    Posted January 13, 2010 at 1:45 pm | Permalink

    Last year there were bales of hay around all the non movable obstacles. If you whacked ’em you didn’t suffer from any major injuries. Was that the city’s park then or the —–‘s park?

  13. Curt Waugh
    Posted January 13, 2010 at 2:59 pm | Permalink

    Sled behind Ypsi high. Great smallish hill with a long run at the bottom. Lots of kids there both days this last weekend. Plenty of free parking right next to the hill.

  14. Frudi
    Posted January 13, 2010 at 4:00 pm | Permalink

    Wait. Are you telling me that “Ypsitucky” destroyed Mark’s ribs?

    There would have been a bail of hay if the CDC was still in charge of the parks, which they would have been had the City Council not gotten their panties in a wad over the name Ypsitucky?

    This is hilarious!

  15. Ethel Blozen
    Posted January 13, 2010 at 4:43 pm | Permalink

    If you were serious about the Rozlyn Papa scandal on the Bachelor, you’ll find the facts here.

    Finally a post that I wanted to comment on. It only took 4 years.

  16. Posted January 13, 2010 at 7:59 pm | Permalink

    I agree, sled at the hill and I hear if you drive all the way across A2 that the sledding at Vet’s park is amazing. The golf course on Huron Parkway is pretty good as well.

    Sorry about the ribs, next time I see you I will give you a few hard back pats to help you heal.

  17. Jules
    Posted January 13, 2010 at 9:44 pm | Permalink

    Curt!! Shhhhhhhh…….

  18. Posted January 13, 2010 at 9:57 pm | Permalink

    I’d hate to see sledding outlawed on my account. I probably shouldn’t admit that. It might give some City Council member the idea of proposing a “Maynard rule against sledding,” forever damning my name in this City.

    Seriously, though… Everyone knows that they sled at their own risk. I certainly don’t blame anyone but myself for what happened, and I’d hate to see any kid deprived of sledding because one fat old man was too slow to eject from his spinning blue plastic disk.

    Oh, and I do find some humor in the fact that my ribs were broken because of the Ypsitucky fiasco. It’s kind of poetic in a way.

  19. Brackinald Achery
    Posted January 13, 2010 at 10:14 pm | Permalink

    Why is it “sled at your own risk” on public property leading to broken ribs, but it’s a goddamn OSHA issue to go to a smokey privately-owned bar, leading to probably nothing?

  20. Peter Larson
    Posted January 13, 2010 at 10:20 pm | Permalink

    Because the sledder is not being compensated as an employee. He’s just being a dumb ass.

  21. Brackinald Achery
    Posted January 13, 2010 at 10:24 pm | Permalink

    So if I gave Mark $50 to do it again, and he did it again, it’s my fault?

  22. Peter Larson
    Posted January 13, 2010 at 10:27 pm | Permalink

    Yes. And he would still be a dumb ass. You as well.

  23. Brackinald Achery
    Posted January 13, 2010 at 11:06 pm | Permalink

    Jesus. At least he’d have my hard-earned $50 to go towards his medical expenses. The way it is now, you’re forcing him to go it alone, to pull himself up by his bootstraps. That’s some cruel shit. He endures all the suffering and doesn’t even get compensated for it! On land that we all own in common, that isn’t safe for us, and without pay! Orphan puncher!!!

  24. Posted January 13, 2010 at 11:55 pm | Permalink

    You kids are funny.

  25. Curt Waugh
    Posted January 14, 2010 at 9:09 am | Permalink

    Yeah, sorry Jules. I shouldn’t give away the ol’ fishin’ hole. But my kid kept running into her classmates which got me a ride on someone else’s inner tube sled. Heaven!

    I have also heard that Vet’s park is very good. Huron Hills is cool, but the hike is a tough one. Not for the little kids (unless you’re into hauling them up the hill).

    I gotta build me a portable tow rope. Then my life will be complete.

  26. Teddy
    Posted January 14, 2010 at 10:05 am | Permalink

    Can someone out there translate what the two Italian men are saying? I’m fascinated.

  27. Andy C
    Posted January 14, 2010 at 12:16 pm | Permalink

    “Orphan Puncher” would be a great band name. It’s not being used. I check Allmusic and myspace.

  28. Shocktra Volzum
    Posted January 14, 2010 at 12:51 pm | Permalink

    Clearly, this was the gods of fossil fuels way of gently reminding you that their is already ample electricity in Riverside Park and you should abandon your blasphemous attempts for Cycle Powered Cinema.

    Besides, it’s already been done.

  29. Shocktra Volzum
    Posted January 14, 2010 at 12:54 pm | Permalink

    Here’s a better link:

  30. Natalie
    Posted January 14, 2010 at 1:33 pm | Permalink

    I just read about your ribs on facebook.
    I’m glad you did not fracture another part, or puncture any organs.
    I hope you’re doing okay.
    I heard about some surgeon in missouri who removed a patient’s broken rib and ate it with chinese dipping sauce.

  31. Leslie from A2
    Posted January 14, 2010 at 2:50 pm | Permalink

    Sounds like you have some serious bad ju-ju going in that park between the cycle powered thing and Ypsi—-y. Didn’t you tell me that you killed a squirrel in that park once?

  32. Maple St. Styrrup
    Posted January 14, 2010 at 2:59 pm | Permalink

    Mark made a deal with the devil in Riverside Park years ago. Yes, it involved ritual squirrelicide.

    Mark was granted rather localized fame as a blogger, and, in turn, the devil gets to treat his pathetic body like a rag doll. How else can we explain all this?

  33. Maple St. Styrrup
    Posted January 14, 2010 at 3:00 pm | Permalink


  34. Posted January 14, 2010 at 8:01 pm | Permalink

    I like the idea that the power box was out to get me. Thanks for that. It made me laugh… which isn’t really a good thing with broken ribs… but I’ll forgive you for it.

    As for the squirrel thing, you’ve got the story wrong. And I didn’t kill the squirrel. It was a few summers ago, on Frog Island. Clementine and I were helping to build the community garden and we found a squirrel who was gasping for breath and trying to drag himself along the ground. Our guess was that he’d fallen from one of the tall trees. Anyway, he was dying, and it seemed to me that the most humane thing would be to send him on his way to squirrel heaven. So, I asked my neighbors if any of them wanted to volunteer, which one of them did. And, I took Clementine away before the deed happened.

  35. jill
    Posted January 16, 2010 at 11:00 pm | Permalink

    My ten year old niece hurt herself pretty badly sledding last weekend in Tecumseh. She had surgery a couple days ago to repair her arm and elbow and goes back in four weeks for more surgery. Whee! Two years ago she bruised her spleen while sledding. She has assured me that she is giving up sledding for ever and ever now.

  36. Happenstance
    Posted January 19, 2010 at 2:06 pm | Permalink

    Gumby is a symbol of the spark of divinity in each of us,” wrote Clokey, a seminary dropout who studied with Serbian avant-garde filmmaker Slavko Vorkapic.

One Trackback

  1. By Did Ypsitucky almost kill me? on January 14, 2010 at 9:45 pm

    […] Gods, and I was punished for it – sent speeding headlong down the side of an ice-covered mountain, into the corner of a massive, solid steel electrical box. The other theory, however, is the one intrigues me. According to this theory, I nearly broke my […]

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