Conservative Bible promises new, better Jesus

I didn’t see it coming, but now, in retrospect, I guess it was inevitable… It seems as though conservatives, after years of agonizing over the complete disconnect between the way their savior lived his life, and the way they choose to live their own, have taken it upon themselves to make a big change. No, they haven’t decided to forgo their worldly possessions and become more loving toward their neighbors. They’ve done something even better. They’ve decided to rewrite the Bible, so that it’s full of stories that aren’t so difficult for them to reconcile intellectually.

That’s right. Having struggled for decades with the notion of a savior who turns the other cheek and puts others before himself, American conservatives have come to the conclusion that it’s not them who need to change, but Jesus. Or, to be more specific, they’ve decided that the Bible we’re reading today was, somewhere along the line, altered by liberals to further their nefarious Socialist agenda, and leave us with a false impression as to the character of Jesus Christ, who, in real life, cared more about private property rights and the plight of the overtaxed rich than he did the prostitutes and the poor.

In defense of the sane conservative Christians who remain out there, I should point out that it’s not everyone on the right who’s pushing for a new Bible. It does seem, however, that the idea is gaining some traction in this incredibly divisive post-Tea Party world in which we find ourselves.

Anyway, it’s being talked about all overthe the web today, and I thought I’d better start a thread here.

I know it sounds like parody, but I assure you the following overview of the project comes directly from the Republican site Conservapedia:

Liberal bias has become the single biggest distortion in modern Bible translations. There are three sources of errors in conveying biblical meaning:

• lack of precision in the original language, such as terms underdeveloped to convey new concepts of Christianity
• lack of precision in modern language
• translation bias in converting the original language to the modern one

Of these three sources of errors, the last introduces the largest error, and the biggest component of that error is liberal bias. Large reductions in this error can be attained simply by retranslating the KJV into modern English.

As of 2009, there is no fully conservative translation of the Bible which satisfies the following ten guidelines:

• Framework against Liberal Bias: providing a strong framework that enables a thought-for-thought translation without corruption by liberal bias
• Not Emasculated: avoiding unisex, “gender inclusive” language, and other modern emasculation of Christianity
• Not Dumbed Down: not dumbing down the reading level, or diluting the intellectual force and logic of Christianity; the NIV is written at only the 7th grade level
• Utilize Powerful Conservative Terms: using powerful new conservative terms as they develop; defective translations use the word “comrade” three times as often as “volunteer”; similarly, updating words which have a change in meaning, such as “word”, “peace”, and “miracle”.
• Combat Harmful Addiction: combating addiction by using modern terms for it, such as “gamble” rather than “cast lots”; using modern political terms, such as “register” rather than “enroll” for the census
• Accept the Logic of Hell: applying logic with its full force and effect, as in not denying or downplaying the very real existence of Hell or the Devil.
• Express Free Market Parables; explaining the numerous economic parables with their full free-market meaning
• Exclude Later-Inserted Liberal Passages: excluding the later-inserted liberal passages that are not authentic, such as the adulteress story
• Credit Open-Mindedness of Disciples: crediting open-mindedness, often found in youngsters like the eyewitnesses Mark and John, the authors of two of the Gospels
• Prefer Conciseness over Liberal Wordiness: preferring conciseness to the liberal style of high word-to-substance ratio; avoid compound negatives and unnecessary ambiguities; prefer concise, consistent use of the word “Lord” rather than “Jehovah” or “Yahweh” or “Lord God.”

Thus, a project has begun among members of Conservapedia to translate the Bible in accordance with these principles…

The folks at Salon, always looking to lend a helpful hand, took a crack at contributing a few revisions. Here are a few of their suggested edits:

John 8:3-7: The teachers of the law and the Pharisees brought in a woman caught in adultery. They made her stand before the group and said to Jesus, “Teacher, this woman was caught in the act of adultery. In the Law Moses commanded us to stone such women. Now what do you say?”

Jesus bent down and picked up a rock. When they kept on questioning him, he straightened up and said to them, “OK, we start on the count of three. And if I see any of you throwing like limp-wristed sissies, you’re next.”

Matthew 19:23-24: Then Jesus said to his disciples, “Truly I tell you, it is hard for a Socialist to enter the kingdom of heaven. Again I tell you, it is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for Van Jones to enter the kingdom of God.”

Matthew 9:10-13: While Jesus was having dinner at Matthew’s house, many tax collectors and sinners came and ate with him and his disciples. When the Pharisees saw this, they asked his disciples, “Why does your teacher eat with tax collectors and sinners?”

On hearing this, Jesus said, “Tax collectors? I had no idea, and wouldn’t have eaten with them if I had known, for I favor a flat tax.”

And I leave you with this thought from Metafilter’s emjaybee:

You know, I love this. Truly. I mean, I’m not even a Christian anymore, but it still pained me to see the way wingnut insanity would hide behind Christian ideals.

And now they’ve decided the hell with that, we’ll stop pretending we’re really Christians, and we’ll do it by shredding the Christian bible into tiny meaningless bits, and then shitting on it, and then setting it on fire!

And then actual Christians get to see what they are choosing; their supposedly beloved scripture, or the nonsensical dribblings of hate-filled maniacs. And we get to see it too.

Here’s your moment, Christians; which is it gonna be? Defend the teachings you claim to believe, or step right off the cliff with the people who’ve been using you for their agendas all along? Do you have the guts to call them on it now? Or have you lost whatever remained of your souls?

Amen to that.