The table is freaking me out

tablefacesI just noticed that there’s a little face here, in the table, right next to my computer, where I work every night. I can’t believe I’ve never noticed it before. It might just be because I’ve been sitting here alone in the dark for the past hour, listening to the music of Daniel Johnston, but it’s really kind of starting to freak me out… Maybe it’s time to go to bed.

Oh, and this is only connected in so far as it’s also weird, but I have a new quote from Clementine to share. It’s something that she said this afternoon, in response to my asking, “What are all the other kids doing, Sweetie?” Here’s her response… are you ready… “They’re upstairs… Killing babies.” (Believe me when I tell you that it’s a very surreal experience to hear that line delivered mater-of-factly by a five year old eating a vegan cupcake.)

[Apparently they were pretending to destroy the artwork of my friend Ruth.]

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  1. Posted August 3, 2009 at 12:13 am | Permalink

    What, am I think only one that sees him?

  2. Posted August 3, 2009 at 12:13 am | Permalink

    Or is it that I referenced baby killing?

  3. Posted August 3, 2009 at 12:13 am | Permalink

    I can never tell why people aren’t leaving comments.

  4. Posted August 3, 2009 at 5:22 am | Permalink

    Before I read the context, the first thing I saw was a little dancing man, waving a streamer, under the moon and by a river.

  5. Stella
    Posted August 3, 2009 at 6:48 am | Permalink

    It’s called matrixing. I draw them in where I see them in the old plaster in the upstairs bathroom. Now my housemate will only use the downstairs one.

  6. Burt Reynolds
    Posted August 3, 2009 at 7:16 am | Permalink

    You know what makes me want to kill a baby? The phrase “vegan cupcake.” WTF?

  7. Steve Swan
    Posted August 3, 2009 at 7:47 am | Permalink

    I see lady taint.

  8. Mr. X
    Posted August 3, 2009 at 9:23 am | Permalink

    I like the little hint of a snaggle tooth.

    Man, that’s sexy.

  9. Larry Summers
    Posted August 3, 2009 at 9:28 am | Permalink

    I thought matrixing was when you ran an eithernet cable into your spinal cord and fell asleep in a pod of goo.

  10. Tim
    Posted August 3, 2009 at 9:29 am | Permalink

    Can someone make it’s mouth open and say, “shave your ballllzzzz”?

  11. JC Miller
    Posted August 3, 2009 at 9:59 am | Permalink

    The face is definitely judging you.

    Coincidentally, a friend of mine posted this blog to facebook today.

  12. Michaelx
    Posted August 3, 2009 at 10:21 am | Permalink

    I see the Virgin Mary…actually, just the face of the Virgin Mary, holding a constipated expression as she sits on her outhouse in Bethlehem, trying to get rid of that meal of bread and fish her son threw together the evening before after she complained she didn’t know what to fix for dinner…

  13. Andy C
    Posted August 3, 2009 at 11:26 am | Permalink

    Please just say “cupcake” in the future. Adding the term “vegan” makes it sound like the cupcake was made out of vegans. ie. “eating a fish cupcake.” or “eating a blueberry cupcake.”

    The face reminds me of Floory from Pee Wee’s Play House.

  14. Michaelx
    Posted August 3, 2009 at 11:36 am | Permalink

    If I ever crash in the Andes and I’m looking around to see who I want to eat first; the “vegan” will be my last choice. I bet they don’t taste very good. I bet they taste like low-fat bacon or diet meatballs.

  15. Michael
    Posted August 3, 2009 at 12:06 pm | Permalink

    Arbor Update (and maybe would have just deleted my previous comment for being off-topic and now would have just banned me for using multiple usernames. But this place will let you get away with just about anything. I should add that after my plane crashed, my first choice for dinner would be the fat chick whose skin is still oozing with excretions from the tripple whopper with cheese she had for lunch. Mmmmm…

  16. Anonymatt
    Posted August 3, 2009 at 2:40 pm | Permalink

    Mark, how do you know it’s a “him?”

  17. Michaelx
    Posted August 3, 2009 at 3:28 pm | Permalink

    I would guess that Mark’s gender-specific table must have an extra “leg” (or it has a kickstand or some other phallic protusion?). So that would blow my Virgin Mary theory out of the water. That is unless in addition to VM being “history’s” only off-spring bearing virgin, (s)he was also a hermaphrodite (or to the catholics, “hermapho-Deity”).

  18. Butcher,Baker,Candle
    Posted August 3, 2009 at 11:47 pm | Permalink

    “my first choice for dinner would be the fat chick whose skin is still oozing with excretions from the tripple whopper with cheese she had for lunch. Mmmmm…”
    But the tastiest animals to eat are naturally herbivores. Cows, deer, buffalo, groundhogs, rabbits, squirrels, etc. They have fat, too. It is just a different kind of fat.
    And I don’t think the bread that people ate in Bethlehem in the old days would have made them especially constipated. It was probably full of chaff, basically non soluble fiber. Their bread was not made with bleached, chemically treated flour with so few nutrients that the flour had to be “enhanced” with vitamins (more chemicals) after being processed to complete nutrient annihilation. It was probably dark brown, not fluffy and full of “impurities” that would have made it taste terrific. The kind of thing you would pay extra for now at an upscale bakery.
    Yeah, poor people’s old stuff is better than our rich new stuff.
    Just a thought. Maybe I am wrong.

  19. Manan
    Posted August 4, 2009 at 11:55 am | Permalink

    I know that face. It’s Milky Joe from the Mighty Boosh (

  20. Crabtree
    Posted August 4, 2009 at 2:56 pm | Permalink

    I only eat the meat of beef-fed cattle. It’s delicious.

  21. b
    Posted August 4, 2009 at 3:48 pm | Permalink

    that little face is how i keep tabs on you mark….
    how do you know they really weren’t killing babies? Did you look under your bed?

  22. Michaelx
    Posted August 4, 2009 at 7:41 pm | Permalink

    Butcher, I was striving for irreverent comedic effect rather than tasty and …uh…digestive accuracy, but I failed on both. I really am not particularly fond of the sweaty essence of Burger King and I can’t be nudged into cannibalism quite as easily as I suggested. Certainly, if there were some herbivores roaming around my crash site, I would try to eat them first.

    I would take that Bethlehem bread any day over “Wonder” bread, which is not wonderful at all.

    OK, then maybe Virgin Mary’s pained expression was not from irregularity, but from that crossword puzzle from the Bethlehem Times she was trying to figure out while she was sitting in her little Bethlehem outhouse. I’m going to insist on keeping VM in the outhouse on this “sighting”.

    Anybody who doesn’t have the faith to see at least some kind of Divine image on Mark’s tabletop shouldn’t be living in this Christian nation.

  23. kez
    Posted August 4, 2009 at 8:02 pm | Permalink

    i’m still wondering if anyone claimed that box of hair…

  24. Castor
    Posted August 5, 2009 at 12:22 pm | Permalink

    If the box of hair is curly, I’ll take it. My body doesn’t grow chest hair, and I’ve always dreamed of having some.

  25. Butcher
    Posted August 9, 2009 at 11:25 am | Permalink

    Crabtree, I thought only the diseased cattle were eaten by their fellows.

  26. Lobo
    Posted August 10, 2009 at 8:00 am | Permalink

    Can someone add the “my body doesn’t grow chest hair” tag?

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