Every once in a while, something wonderful happens that brings us together as a nation. A hot, blonde teacher beds a burnout eighth-grader in front of his buddies. A bug-eyed bride-to-be lies about being abducted in order to escape her impending wedding to some poor schlub. Or, a certifiably insane narcissist convinces a shady fertility doctor to load her up with a bucketfull of embryos. On these occasions, we put our differences aside as a people, and we come together to do what we do best – gawk and judge.
The most recent case hit the internet like a typhoon toward the end of last week, when a young woman wanted by the Salt Lake City police, was dubbed the hipster grifter by the press. The story had all the right elements. The woman – Kari Ferrell – a bright, reasonably attractive, beard-loving, impressively-tattooed young woman who worked for the New York scenester publication of record, Vice, when she wasn’t sleeping her way through Williamsburg and amassing impressive indie cred points, was ripping off her friends and lying about everything from being pregnant to having terminal cancer.
I followed along for a while. Certain parts of the story interested me. I got word from friends in Baltimore that some kind of inner city anarchist women’s collective had offered her sanctuary. I liked that. I liked knowing that, even as thousands of people online had come together to smoke her out and turn her in, there was at least one group out there in the world, who appreciated her confident manipulation of people and events enough to extend a hand in friendship. (If she ends up finding them, I’m imaging it playing out like a hipster version of The House Bunny.) But, the main thing about the story to catch my attention was one of the pickup lines that Farrell was said to have used.
“I want to give you a handjob… with my mouth.”
I know that some might find it crude, but I found it brilliant. It, to me, walked the sexy/funny line perfectly. And, when I read that she’d handed a note saying that to someone at a bar in New York, I thought that it would be an interesting project to try to track down a photo of the note, maybe for a future issue of Crimewave, if it still existed. (Who, after all, could throw something like that out.) As it turns out, though, there wasn’t much detective work involved. It seems as though it’s been up on Flickr since November, well before she became the hipster “it” girl… Here it is:
Discussing what the straight male equivalent of this line might be with a friend of a friend, he offered, “I want to finger you… with my penis,” which, while good, I don’t think really packs the same punch. Still, though, it might be worth a shot. As I don’t have the rights to Ms. Farrell’s line, I can’t do anything with it, but, assuming this friend of a friend doesn’t find out, I’d be happy to license the use of, “I want to finger you… with my penis.” I’m thinking that it’s probably best to do so on a state by state basis. I’m going to retain the Michigan and Kentucky rights, with the thought of bestowing those territories on friends as Christmas presents, but all the others are up for grabs. I’ll be starting 48 separate Ebay auctions tonight. And, tomorrow, I’ll be hiring translators and initiating international negotiations.
12 Comments
Oh, “obligatory post.” I thought it said oligarchy… which was the Mark Maynard . com word of the day there for a while.
Wouldn’t it be, “I want to finger you… with my tongue?”
I want to punch the hipster ‘it’ girl in the face, with my ass.
No, that doesn’t really work.
I like scam artists. I knew two when I was in college. They’re great when they’re young, fresh and just getting started in the world. Not so attractive at 50, though.
My favorite baffling j’accuse thus far, from AnimalNewYork.com: “She claimed she was a vegetarian, but wasn’t upset when one of the roommates accidentally gave her a dish with meat.”
This girl might, in fact, be a sociopath. But she’s smart. She signed an email to Gawker, “Without Wax, Keri.” Which I immediately took to be an obscure sexual reference. Though Gawker didn’t comment on that, a commenter named Sarcastro explained:
When Roman sculptors executed their work they would occasionally crack the marble. The crack would be sealed with wax. In Latin, “sine” means “without,” and “cera” means “wax.” The sculptures that were made out of whole, unbroken stone were marked, “sine cera,” or “without wax.” The term evolved to apply to anything that was “true” or unadulterated. In English, “sine cera” is rendered, “sincerely.”
I’m really glad I shut off my Comcast when it is not football season.
That “handjob with the mouth” line is terrible, but “Korean Abdul-Jabbar” is probably the worst crap I have ever heard. Come on! “I want you to throw a hotdog down my hall”?!?! What kind of dumb bullshit is that. An “I love beards” tattoo?!
I was out buying a few groceries a couple days ago and saw a bald guy with “Jesus” tattooed in huge letters on his head. All his clothes had “Jesus” in huge letters, too. He was standing there in the checkout, and absolutely nobody was staring at him. I thought how incredibly difficult it must be these days to get attention. Not even one stare for a bald guy with Jesus on his head.
Then I had a great idea for a product. I call it the “Ass Head”. It is basically just a four foot tall helmet with a made to order personalized sculpture in lightweight rubber of your own ass. I would mail a kind of mold to the customer so he/she could make an imprint of their ass (and maybe even genitalia for a greater fee). They would mail the mold back to me, and I would build the rubber ass and affix it to the helmet. The customer could put the ass on their head and wear it around town to get a little attention. If I could get photos of celebrities’ asses at several different angles and kind of get a survey of their parts, I could also offer celebrity models. I would even actually go to Hollywood with a theodolite and take a few readings of celebs asses if the “Ass Head, Inc.” company would pay for it. I could offer special smells to be issued forth from the “Ass Head” and flatulence noises and even perhaps pissing from the made to order personalized genitalia above the customers’ heads. Now that should get some attention in a crowd. I am taking orders for the Mel Gibson model now.
I forgot. I am also insane.
It would be cool to see a hipster standing by the highway with a cardboard sign reading… “Will work for food… with my mouth.”
Too bad they aren’t that clever.
You can get Hipster Grifter shirts here-
http://gawker.com/5221685/hipster-grifter-fashion-spinoffs-signal-a-dying-meme
Kari Farrell, now out of prison, is apparently “bonin’ down with bearded guys.”
I wonder how long it takes before she’s back in prison.
Is this woman making adult films yet? Does anyone know?