spicy pork butt, among other things

This guy I kind of know has a new Porsche… Well, I’m proud to say, that he and I raced down Huron River Drive this morning, and my little Honda Civic Hybrid beat him handily. I was listening to the Scorpions, which helped. And then there was the fact that he didn’t know that we were racing. Still, I feel good about it.

I’ve got a few dozen serious things I’d like to write about tonight, but I can’t seem to summon up the attention span necessary to assess the probability of a gas tax in Oregon, or research the energy historically output by the dams along the Huron River. So, instead, I’ll just ramble for a little while, until I either fall asleep or get distracted by a shiny object.

And this is completely unrelated, but yesterday, as I was straightening up the Laura Ingalls Wilder section of our bookshelf, I saw “The Long Winter,” and wondered — as I often do — what the title would be if it were adapted for the adult cinema. Usually, I can come up with a clear, definitive winner, but, this time, I was torn… Would it be “The Schlong Winter,” or “The Long Wiener”? Really, I can’t decide.

Today — to change subjects radically yet again – I cooked my ass off. (I could have tied this paragraph to the one above by saying that I “cooked my schlong off,” but I respect all of you too much to do that.) Yesterday I hit about a half-dozen grocery stores, amassing a huge and diverse stockpile of vittles – banana leaves, mustard greens, pork butt, and all kinds of great stuff – and today I cooked them all down into one enormous meal. Among other things, we had black-eyed peas, greens, vegan cornbread, and puerco pibil, a slow-roasted pork dish I first learned of from director Robert Rodriguez, on the DVD for his film Once Upon A Time in Mexico … Here, thanks to miracle of YouTube, is Rodriguez showing you how to make the dish himself.

I’ve wanted to make it for at least 5 years now, and today was the day I finally got up off my grub-white ass and actually did it… And it was awesome.

So far, 2009 is going pretty well.

And, no, it doesn’t make a great deal of sense to have vegan cornbread with pork butt, but I’m not a man that cares much for convention.

Speaking of men who don’t care much for the norms of society, my friend Jeff, the man behind the insanely popular website, The West Virginia Surf Report, just wrote to tell me that I started off 2009 by being incarcerated for something.

And, no, it’s not me. I spell my middle name “Alan,” and I’m a damn site jowlier. It could be a relative, though. My people on the Maynard side, I’m told, come from West Virginia. A more interesting question from my perspective, however, is this. Why is Jeff perusing a West Virginia prison intake site? I wonder if maybe he’s looking for a friend. Could it be that he’s decided that an imprisoned Mark Maynard could give him all the attention he desires, without the possibility of having to maybe meet, shake hands, or – God forbid – hug one day?

[Tonight’s post was written while listening to one of my favorite records.]

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  1. Ol' E Cross
    Posted January 4, 2009 at 12:33 am | Permalink

    So your initials are “mam”? Okay. Now I finally get the monogram on all of your dress shirts… Wham, bam, thank you…

  2. mark
    Posted January 4, 2009 at 1:28 pm | Permalink

    Yup. It’s MAM. I think I took some shit for it in grade school for a few weeks when someone first figured it out. It wasn’t good enough to stay in the arsenal of Mark Maynard insults though. It’s easier to hit someone while calling him “fat” or “gay.” Having to say “MAM” and then explain it to everyone else on the bus just isn’t as fun.

  3. mark
    Posted January 4, 2009 at 1:32 pm | Permalink

    I’m eating the black-eyed peas again right now, and they’re still really good… If you try that recipe at home, you might want to leave out the salt pork, like I did. Instead, just substitute a smoked turkey wing. I got one from Whole Foods for something like $3.75. I cut a bunch of the meat off and sauteed it with the onions, and then, later, put the rest in while everything was simmering on low heat. Then, I just removed that part before serving. Super yummy. And, according to tradition, black-eyed peas and greens are good luck for the new year.

  4. Ol' E Cross
    Posted January 5, 2009 at 12:35 am | Permalink

    Really? No one else bit at “spicy pork butt” and “Mark Maynard” in the same post? Am I the only one left willing to pluck at low hanging hamhocks?

  5. Robert
    Posted January 5, 2009 at 11:13 am | Permalink

    That Mark Maynard seems to be pretty young, fit, and clean shaven. Those dimples are cute, and this guy’s only accused of a misdemeanor. Need I go on?

  6. mark
    Posted January 5, 2009 at 6:36 pm | Permalink

    I can’t believe no one pointed out what appears to be a unicorn horn on his shoulder.

  7. Robert
    Posted January 19, 2009 at 5:04 pm | Permalink

    You weren’t in Zingerman’s (next door) today were you Mark? I saw a guy there this morning who looked enough like you that he could be your double, but just different enough that I couldn’t bring myself to approach and ask if it was you. Maybe that was you and that was the look you were going for. It kept me from bugging you.

    Anyway, if it wasn’t you, lookout! You have an imposter sitting in cafes around town politely minding his own business. This could ruin your reputation!

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