homophobic engorgement

I have my doubts as to how real this is, but someone just sent me a link to a discussion board where folks are talking about a 1996 Engorgement Study supposedly conducted at the University of Georgia. I think the following quote is probably the best thing I’ve read in 2008.

Both groups showed an overall increase in penis circumference while watching all three categories of sexually explicit material. But the only instance where there was a significant difference in engorgement between the homophobes and non-homophobes was during the homosexual-male porn. The homophobic males showed significantly more engorgement while watching two men go at it than the non-homophobic males.

Like I said, I suspect it’s not true, but I just love the idea of homophobes having blood-flow monitors hooked to their wieners and then subjected to hardcore videos of gay sex. I’d love to see documentary footage of that.

And when I say that I don’t believe it, I just mean that I doubt that it happened. I don’t doubt for a moment, however, that, if such a test did take place, that homophobic men would trigger the bonerometer within seconds of being shown men playing with each other’s wieners.

[This post was brought to you by Fred Phelps, Rick Santorum, and members of the 700 Club everywhere.]

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  1. Posted December 31, 2008 at 7:28 pm | Permalink

    I completely believe it. I am personally excited by things that frighten me. Like, falling off cliffs, rabid dogs and botulism. I can feel my penis engorging at the thought of botulism.

  2. egpenet
    Posted December 31, 2008 at 7:41 pm | Permalink

    Now, if you add some minced sweet pickles, chopped onions, mayo, ketchup and wrap it up ia fresh bun … you may have something worth talking about.

    Those Bulldogs down there don’t know nothin’.

  3. Posted January 1, 2009 at 11:14 am | Permalink

    The study actually appears to be genuine. If it isn’t, it is the most thoroughly detailed hoax of it’s kind I’ve ever come across…no pun intended.

    I’ll stop by the Taubman Library tomorrow and check the periodical archives to confirm.

  4. mark
    Posted January 1, 2009 at 1:34 pm | Permalink

    Robert, if I can come up with the money to buy one, could I outfit you with one of these penile measurement devices? I’d be fascinated by the results. Actually, we could all take turns with it. And the rest of us could monitor the results on line in real-time. There could be a split screen with one side showing what you’re looking at, and the other side showing the reading of the bonerometer… Ed, can you go after Robert? Then you, Dude. Then Brackache. Then Old East Cross. Then each of the members of City Council. That should get us through sweeps week.

  5. Robert
    Posted January 1, 2009 at 2:05 pm | Permalink

    Yes, Mark. I’ll go first. You know how I feel about sloppy seconds.

  6. Hugh G. Rection
    Posted January 1, 2009 at 9:39 pm | Permalink


  7. egpenet
    Posted January 2, 2009 at 10:01 am | Permalink

    Actually, skip the chopped onions … and I’m in.

  8. Ol' E Cross
    Posted January 2, 2009 at 3:07 pm | Permalink

    So wait, if I’m turned on by the thought of two men having sex it doesn’t mean I’m gay, it means I’m a homophobe? Phew!

    BTW Mark, thanks for putting me last in the line for the bonerometer. Kind of engorges me just thinking of where it’ll have been before, you know, I’m homophobic like that.

  9. kjc
    Posted January 2, 2009 at 4:44 pm | Permalink

    That study is hilarious.

    We should propose to the Powers That Be that in exchange for full civil rights, including the right to be miserably tied to another person for life by law, gay people will stop going to graduate school.

  10. Robert
    Posted January 7, 2009 at 1:37 pm | Permalink

    I finally got my hands on the 1996 volume (105) of the Journal of Abnormal Psychology and looked to page 440 of Issue #3, and there it was. It’s official. The study is real!

  11. Posted January 9, 2009 at 11:25 am | Permalink

    I think we should have a requirement that all male elected officials be regularly hooked up to a PPG and subjected to a series of test photos. The results should be published in every newspaper and on all news websites.

  12. Posted June 12, 2009 at 8:51 am | Permalink


    Sorry for bumping such an old post with a comment months after the fact, but I just recently came across this blog. The quote that you said was probably the best thing you’ve read in 2008 originated with me and I just wanted to thank you for such a flattering remark. (I know it was more about the content of the study and not my wording but, hey, I’ll take a compliment where I can get it!)

    Have a great day!

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