severed unicorn heads are depression proof

If I haven’t been blogging as much as usual these past few weeks, it’s because I’ve been busting my ass filling orders for Severed Unicorn Head merchandise. I’m not sure why it is, but the more the economic infrastructure of our country collapses, the more business we do. Today alone, we received close to 500 million orders. It’s absolutely incredible. Fortunately for us, people out there are losing their homes, and sending their sickly kids to bed hungry, but they still want to buy t-shirts emblazoned with bloody unicorn heads. The down side is that the more successful we are, the more others are trying to jump on the band wagon. First it was that no-good idea stealer Damien Hirst. And now I’m told there’s a skinny charismatic hippie dude that’s selling severed unicorn head overalls. Most of our vast accumulated fortune, I’m afraid, is going to be eaten up in legal fees in the coming months as we work to shut these evil doers down… More later.
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  1. Ol' E Cross
    Posted September 28, 2008 at 10:58 pm | Permalink

    The good news is I think you found your family uniform.

  2. Brackache
    Posted September 28, 2008 at 11:29 pm | Permalink

    Oh my God! Do not get me started on the severed unicorn head market!

    When Nixon finally broke the last link the US Dollar had to severed unicorn heads, he essentially gave the Federal Government a blank check to print up as much fiat currency as was required to run expensive foreign wars and vote-buying domestic programs. Sounds good in the short run, but it began to decrease the worth of the dollar as its supply increased.

    When you base a currency on a precious commodity like severed unicorn heads, it limits the Government’s ability to quickly increase the money supply… which, again, is necessary when the Governmet wants to do naughty aggrandizing imperial things.

    Now I’m not saying that the price of severed unicorn heads is 100% flat and stable — we all know it isn’t. No commodities are. But they’re far more governed by supply than is a fiat currency that can be printed out of thin air.

    Severed unicorn heads always retain some value because of their preciousness (rarity and demand). It takes a lot of time and money to track down a unicorn, trick it into coming close, cut its head off, stuff it, and ship it. And let’s face it, unicorns don’t grow on trees. But fiat money? You want more, you print more. The first people who get it (banks, government contractors) get the full value of what the dollars used to be worth, but as it trickles down into our hands, it loses value because of oversupply, and all our savings and incomes now have less purchasing power. That’s inflation. If it gets really bad, say if the Fed needs to bailout some jackasses to the tune of 700 billion dollars that don’t exist, people across the world may lose faith in the dollar and cause economies to collapse suddenly.

    That’s why it’s a good idea to base a currency on the relatively more stable severed unicorn head than on nothing, like the US dollar is now.

    People see this, and decide they’d rather exchange their fiat dollars which are losing their worth to the relatively stable severed unicorn head. So long as mark doesn’t do any market manipulating, I’d say it’s a smart move.

  3. Anonymatt
    Posted September 29, 2008 at 8:14 am | Permalink

    Doug Henning is dead.

  4. Paw
    Posted September 29, 2008 at 11:35 am | Permalink

    But if he’s dead, how can he be selling overalls?

    Oh my God! He’s selling overalls from beyond the grave!

  5. Derek Foreal
    Posted September 29, 2008 at 11:45 am | Permalink

    Now you’ll be able to afford to send your daughter to debate camp…

  6. EL
    Posted September 29, 2008 at 1:45 pm | Permalink

    He totally wore the severed-head overalls on Carson.

  7. Leslie
    Posted September 29, 2008 at 3:15 pm | Permalink

    Congress didn’t pass the bailout package. I guess it’s time to convert my 401K to unicorn heads.

  8. Brackache
    Posted September 29, 2008 at 5:36 pm | Permalink

    Severed unicorn heads went up 2.93% today, while severed pixie dicks are strangely down 1.73%.

    Read my link in the other thread about gold/silver price manipulation before going whole hog in that direction. I’ve watched the herd get stampeded into buying high last spring before the price plummeted again. Still, gold and silver are less than they were then, as of right now. You just never know how high or low it’s going to go.

  9. Brackache
    Posted September 29, 2008 at 9:39 pm | Permalink

    Where the hell is everyone?

    Working in mark’s severed unicorn head sweatshop?

    Huddling in OEC’s last-resort cave in the UP?

    Did a reverse rapture happen?

  10. kez
    Posted September 29, 2008 at 9:45 pm | Permalink

    my paypal payment for severed unicorn head overalls was returned for inefficient funds…

    damn you, mr. dow jones!

  11. TH77
    Posted January 2, 2011 at 11:39 am | Permalink

    But, have you tasted of the unicorn sperm?

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