this is how silly rumors get started

Over the weekend, I posted something here about the battle between the camps of Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama over whether or not to seat the delegates from Florida and Michigan at the Democratic convention. The thread yielded some interesting comments. One of the most perplexing was this one from a man calling himself Bob Jenkins.

I have to laugh when I hear Hillary Clinton describe herself as “a fighter”.

I worked with Hillary when she was a college student. She was volunteering for the summer and I was in Los Angeles on sabbatical, volunteering in a local race myself. Early in the campaign, we met in the evenings at a diner that was only open for lunch. This diner had an employee, Nattie, who cleaned the place every afternoon. She was usually gone by the time we got there, but sometimes not. Nattie was a curmudgeon’s curmudgeon. She was quick with the insult or sneer, and seemed to take infinite pleasure getting under people’s skin. Deep down I’m sure she was a good person, but on the surface, boy, she was just caustic without apology.

Usually I would arrive first and Nattie would have to unlock the door to let me in. If she wasn’t finished with the floors she’d make me sit outside until she was. One day I was later than usual and apparently Hillary got there first. Hillary was energetic and goal oriented; all business. She didn’t have time for Nattie’s foolishness. The two accounts of what happened next lined up pretty well aside from who threw the first punch. Nattie was finishing up the floors and Hillary was not interested in waiting. Somehow she made a big enough nuisance of herself that Nattie opened the door, but wouldn’t let Hillary pass. The brief argument turned into a shove which turned into a brawl right there in the doorway.

When I came around the corner, the fight was pretty much over. Nattie was flat on her back. I saw her trying to lift her arms up to protect herself, but she had no strength left. Hillary was straddling her and a complete mess herself. Nattie had clearly gotten a few good punches in before she went down. As I rushed forward, Hillary easily pushed Nattie’s arms aside in order to finish her off with a brutal shot straight to the face.

Donavan Leitch (the 60’s pop star known as “Donovan”) arrived at the same time I did. We were meeting with him to talk about doing a benefit concert for us. Donovan and I got both women inside and cleaned them up as best we could. I took Nattie home where she stayed for at least several weeks. We moved the campaign headquarters before she recovered enough to return to work. Despite their blood soaked introduction, Donovan and Hillary really hit it off and became quite an item that summer. They were distractingly affectionate, in fact, at times.

But yes, she is a fighter. There is no doubt in my mind.

My first thought when I read this, of course, was that it was the work of some rogue Obama supporter looking to further discredit Clinton, or Karl Rove looking to get in one last good punch below the belt, but it’s not adding up. I’ve searched around online and I can’t find evidence of this story showing up anywhere else. And I can’t believe that, if it is a real case of what the Nixon plumbers liked to call ratfucking, someone would think that launching it here on the website of a reclusive Midwesterner with OCD would be a sure fire way to get into the American discourse. But, who the fuck knows. Stranger things happen every day…

Regardless of whether or not it’s fiction, I think it’s a pretty compelling story. I like the image of a young Donovan pulling the wild-eyed Clinton from the bloody heap that was Nattie, and the revelation that it took the cleaning woman several weeks to recover after the “brutal shot straight to the face.” I hesitate to move it up here to the front page, as it’s likely fantasy, but how could I not? (As you’re recall, I also linked to that insane man’s video confession of smoking crack and making love to Barack Obama.)

If you have stories of Hillary Clinton going insane and beating cleaning women as though she were William Zanzinger, please leave a comment.

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  1. mark
    Posted June 3, 2008 at 7:45 am | Permalink

    Donovan, are you still out there in the audience?

  2. Candra
    Posted June 3, 2008 at 8:43 am | Permalink

    I have little doubt that this is true. I once saw her throttle an elderly handyman in the Philippines. She was probably 14 years old at the time. I have been terrified to tell my story until now.

  3. N.
    Posted June 3, 2008 at 9:28 am | Permalink

    I once witnessed her step on an ant, and a more wanton, vicious act of human-on-insect cruelty could scarcely be imagined. The woman is a ticking time bomb, and if she isn’t elected I fear for the lives of her future victims.

  4. Posted June 3, 2008 at 10:14 am | Permalink

    I was in the Ypsilanti Krogers the other day when I spotted Elvis. He told me he had just come from the Kalamazoo Burger King but had stopped in Ypsi to pick up some peanutbutter, bananas, and wonder bread to make some sandwiches for the long drive back to Memphis. As he reached for the last loaf on the shelf, Hillary Clinton appeared and snatched it up just before he did. She happened to be in Ypsilanti “for a little getaway vacation”, and was staying up the road at one of the motels on Michigan Ave. Well, Elvis didn’t like Hillary snatching things from her so he whipped out a banana and smacked her in the face. Hillary pounced on him like tiger on a chimpmunk. They rolled around the store, knocking down displays and causing quite a raucus. Just then, a mountain lion crashed through the doors and scared everyone away. I was the only one left, and luckily I had videotaped the whole thing. But the mountain lion was hungry that day, my friends, and leapt towards me with a roar. With my eyes closed, I swung my video camera at him, smashing it to bits but scaring away the puma back into the deep Ypsi woods. I rushed outside to see if Elvis and Clinton were still there and they were long gone. On the ground outside was the loaf of wonderbread. I picked it up, got in my car and drove home.

  5. Lester
    Posted June 3, 2008 at 12:43 pm | Permalink

    The way I heard it, it was the band Sha Na Na that pulled her from Nattie. Otherwise the story checks out.

  6. Carrie
    Posted June 3, 2008 at 4:04 pm | Permalink

    You want proof she’s a fighter, you got it.

  7. Paw
    Posted June 4, 2008 at 3:45 pm | Permalink

    She lost the nomination yesterday, but she still hasn’t quit.

    I fully expect that she’ll show up at the White House on Obama’s first day and try to beat him to the oval office.

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