the hustler box

You know how I told you a few days ago that I’d discovered that several readers of this little site work for infamous, wheeled, man-baby pornographer, Larry Flynt? Well, one of them just sent an enormous 25-pound crate of smut to my P.O. Box. It’s sitting on my desk right now. I’m out at the kitchen table with my laptop, too terrified to be in the same room with it, let alone open it.

I don’t know definitively that it’s smut, but I have good reason to assume it is. Its arrival was preceded by an email telling me that, like it or not, I was about to see some of the most vile acts ever performed by conscious human beings. Seriously, the note warned that it was the worst of the worst, the stuff Flynt couldn’t give away… And there it sits on my desk.

Should I open it? Should I drag it down Cross Street and send it to the bottom of the Huron? Should I leave it at the foot of the water tower as an offering to the god of phalluses that protects our city? Should I send it to Drew Barrymore as a kind of peace offering?

But, what if it’s not porn at all, but a donation of medical supplies intended for a local non-profit? I should at least peak in, right?

Or, better yet, what if I have one of you open it? What if I hide it somewhere here in Ypsi, and post a treasure map on my site? Would that be a nice way to spend your Memorial Day weekend with your family? Just imagine you and your kids, making your way through the abandoned buildings of Ypsilanti, hoping to find 25-pounds of degenerate filth.

I have no idea what to do. I just know that I want it out of my house before, God forbid, something terrible happens to me and it’s found by my family.

And, yes, this is what I’ve chosen to write about tonight, instead of the subpoenaing of Karl Rove and today’s “Future of Ypsilanti” conference that was held, inexplicably, at Ann Arbor’s swanky Barton Hills Country Club.

[I’m thinking now that maybe this is a sign. Maybe the box belongs at the Barton Hills Country Club. Could one of you drop it off for me?]

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  1. Hillary
    Posted May 22, 2008 at 10:34 pm | Permalink

    “the most vile acts ever performed by conscious human beings”

    is it a box full of bibles?

  2. egpenet
    Posted May 22, 2008 at 10:38 pm | Permalink

    Ask Schutzman to open it.

    Or …

    Get OEC oiled up and then spring it on him to open it.

    Or …

    I’ll open it for $20.

  3. dmcbass
    Posted May 22, 2008 at 10:44 pm | Permalink

    I’ll open it for free and then blog about it! I’m willing to bet it’s not the worst I’ve ever seen if it’s from LF.


  4. Brackache
    Posted May 22, 2008 at 11:49 pm | Permalink

    If you found it in a parking space you’d open it.

  5. b
    Posted May 23, 2008 at 12:19 am | Permalink

    open it.

  6. Posted May 23, 2008 at 6:54 am | Permalink

    Hillary, what if your comment above was directed toward the Quran? What if it was a derogatory remark about Judaism?

    My point is, how is it somehow acceptable for someone to make comments like that towards Christians? It’s almost as if some people, in an effort to come across as ultra-liberal o super-hip, actully bash Christianity.

    The thing is, you simply can’t put all Christians in the same group as the ones that you don’t agree with. I’m the first one to politely challenge the fundamentalists and the “Jesus is the only way” types, but even then, I respectfully state my own opinion and respect theirs as thier own as I listen to what they have to say.

    To read comments like that truely irks me. It’s completely intolerent, judgemental, and borderline hateful. I know you’re entitled to write whatever you feel like, but I just wanted to let you know at what level that comes out as.

    Sorry to ruin a perfectly fun post like this by having to respond like this, Mark. For the record, I think a treasure hunt would be the way to go.

  7. Tommy
    Posted May 23, 2008 at 7:01 am | Permalink

    Intolerent, judgemental, and borderline hateful – that about sums up 21st Century religions (or 20th Century, 19th, 18th, 17th, 16th …)

    Your post doesn’t ruin the thread, makes it more interesting on an early Friday morning. I’m all for the treasure hunt idea!

  8. Posted May 23, 2008 at 8:27 am | Permalink

    You may peak all over it if you peek in it…

  9. Steve Swan
    Posted May 23, 2008 at 8:53 am | Permalink

    There’s a really good chance that you’ll see my work in there. About two years ago, I spent a summer in LA. During that time I did three shoots for Flynt Inc. I did a magazine shoot and two video shoots. One of them was pretty gross by mainstream standards. The other was Girl Power 63. I played a school nutritionist. I don’t remember the exact name of the other one but I can find out.

  10. Chris Eagle
    Posted May 23, 2008 at 10:41 am | Permalink

    I read your dilemma to a friend. He immediately said “That’s what Ebay is for.”

    “25 lb unopened box of ‘something’ from Larry Flynt”. Should get you both viral notoriety as well as something to give to the local non-profit!

  11. Robert
    Posted May 23, 2008 at 10:46 am | Permalink

    Steve Swan:
    Holy crap! Have you been telling the truth all this time?!

    Cousins Vinyl:
    I agree with Tommy, your post doesn’t ruin the thread at all. As always, your comments are thoughtful. In defense of Hillary, she probably didn’t mean to come across as attacking the Bible or the people who hold it sacred. I got the impression she might have just been pointing out the often overlooked fact that the Bible contains some references to some pretty vile acts. As a person who quite frequently takes things too over the top, I know what it’s like to offend people in attempts to getting things interesting. Still, your points are all valid.

    I think your treasure hunt is a great idea. My money in on Steve Swan. He’s like a bloodhound when it comes to smut. He won’t even need clues.

  12. Dirtgrain
    Posted May 23, 2008 at 11:08 am | Permalink

    I don’t think making a negative comment about the Bible, even if it is not a joke, is necessarily Christian bashing. If Hillary wanted to bash Christians, then she could certainly do that directly, couldn’t she?

    Is the Bible above criticism? No.

    As for the box, I wouldn’t open it. I still haven’t looked at Tub Girl or Goatse.

  13. Brackache
    Posted May 23, 2008 at 11:57 am | Permalink

    There’s only one way to find out if the bananas inside are indeed flawless.

  14. Hillary
    Posted May 23, 2008 at 12:20 pm | Permalink

    Cousins: It could very well be Korans or Torahs, or maybe even copies of the Book of Mormon or Dianetics. The comment would have been much longer had I listed all the religious books I could think of, and I can really only speak about the book I’ve read, being that I’m a recovering Anglican. (I can’t say Catholic because “real Catholics” don’t consider Anglicans Catholic.)

    Robert: Yes, my comment was about Bibles and not about Christians, though I have to say that the same people who read the Good Book of wife beating and stoning are often “intolerent, judgemental, and borderline hateful” of p0rnography and the rights of others to believe in, and print, whatever they wish.

    Don’t watch the following video if you’re easily offended:

  15. Paw
    Posted May 23, 2008 at 12:37 pm | Permalink

    I think what we’re seeing unfold here is the Future of Ypsilanti.

    The Future of Ypsilanti will not be decided by the country club elites of Ann Arbor, but by a giant drooling smut peddler in Los Angeles.

    Behold your future, Ypsilanti!

  16. Posted May 23, 2008 at 2:13 pm | Permalink

    this was one of the funniest things I’ve read all week. how fantastic!

    if you still need someone to edit the contents, I’d be happy to walk over and screen out the vile portions for you.

    on a side note… since Flynt employees are reading these posts: it would be pretty neat if you could come up with a reality based cable channel that focused on the lives of politicians and lobbyists. to pay for it smut could run after hours… but I’m thinking CSPAN meets Big Brother, in the public interest during family hours.

    Programs could include something similar to Moore’s “the Awful Truth”, a paparazzi news program covering lavish PAC/527 fundraisers, and undercover investigative reporting in conjunction with the Center for Public Integrity.

    …just a crazy thought.

  17. mark
    Posted May 23, 2008 at 8:47 pm | Permalink

    I like the idea of a treasure hunt – I really do – but I’m afraid that a kid might find it get hormonal whiplash. Childhood is painfully short as it is. I don’t want to carve it down anymore.

  18. egpenet
    Posted May 23, 2008 at 9:06 pm | Permalink

    OK, OK, OK … (a’la Sam Pesche)

    Get Drew Barrymore to open it.

    Ooo! Oooh! Ohhh! (a’la Car 54 Where Are You)

    Switch it with the banana … let Jane Goodall figure it out.

    Ahhh, errr, Excuse, me, but I really, hope you don’t mind, but I gotta ask, wanna know about that brown box … (aka, Peter Falk)

    Hve Chief Matt open it. (I DARE you.)

  19. Terry
    Posted May 23, 2008 at 11:06 pm | Permalink

    I think there’s a parallel universe inside the box. Jump into it and you’ll find a Mark Maynard who’s a Republican and thinks we should teach creationism in schools.

  20. Posted May 23, 2008 at 11:56 pm | Permalink

    Do you have an attic? I’d stash it there unopened, and let someone find it after you’re dead.

  21. Dirtgrain
    Posted May 24, 2008 at 9:29 am | Permalink

    Vulgarities and obscenties in the Bible:

    JG 19:22-29 A group of sexual depraved men beat on the door of an old man’s house demanding that he turn over to them a male house guest. Instead, the old man offers his virgin daughter and his guest’s concubine (or wife): “Behold, here are my virgin daughter and his concubine; let me bring them out now. Ravish them and do with them what seems good to you; but against this man do not do so vile a thing.” The man’s concubine is ravished and dies. The man then cuts her body into twelve pieces and sends one piece to each of the twelve tribes of Israel.

  22. John on Forest
    Posted May 24, 2008 at 9:43 am | Permalink

    1. Open the box.
    2. Carefully paste the contents onto large foamcore posters.
    3. Picket on the median along Michigan Ave. for the next three months, holding the foamcore posters out for all drivers and the children in the back seats to see.
    3a. Reserve a couple posters for picketing around the water tower.

  23. Posted May 24, 2008 at 1:33 pm | Permalink

    Boy, I REALLY like the idea of offering it up unopened on EBAY with some minimum bid. Yah, I bet you could REALLY raise a lot of money for a non profit… converting something tasteless toward good…

    did they say why they were sending it to YOU?

    Or honestly, you could mark it “return to sender” and let the post office handle it.


  24. grr
    Posted May 24, 2008 at 9:11 pm | Permalink

    I hope there’s at least a ball-shaver in there for you.

  25. grr
    Posted May 24, 2008 at 9:13 pm | Permalink

    Oh yeah, I forgot to add: you should do an “unboxing” like they do on the tech/gizmo sites. Who knows what it’ll do to your Net Nanny ratings though…

  26. Posted May 25, 2008 at 8:00 am | Permalink

    The real question is: will it blend?

  27. elviscostello
    Posted May 25, 2008 at 5:33 pm | Permalink

    A contract to build a Hustler Strip Club on the Water Street Site?

  28. egpenet
    Posted May 25, 2008 at 10:49 pm | Permalink

    I’m getting very tired seeing that box every time I log on.

    Either open it or burn it.

    I’d get my boxcutter out and come over to do it myself, but years ago I loaned by box cutter to somebody at Metro to cut the tags off their luggage and never got it back.

  29. mark
    Posted May 26, 2008 at 10:18 pm | Permalink

    I’ve decided to eat the contents.

  30. egpenet
    Posted May 26, 2008 at 10:48 pm | Permalink

    Half’N’half and lots of sugar …

  31. Ol' E Cross
    Posted May 27, 2008 at 10:11 pm | Permalink

    So, we learn you wouldn’t eat a perfect wrapped banana found in a public place but you’ll eat a box full of plastic and pictures of cocks delivered to your doorstep?


    One or two more “experiments” and I think the Mark Maynard puzzle will be fully solved.

  32. mark
    Posted May 27, 2008 at 10:21 pm | Permalink

    I still don’t know what to do with the damned box. I want to leave it somewhere in town, but I’m afraid of what might be in it, and what might happen if it falls into the wrong hands… OCD is a curse.

  33. mark
    Posted May 27, 2008 at 10:32 pm | Permalink

    I’ve just been asked to dinner with Barney Frank. Maybe I’ll ask him to take it back to Washington.

  34. egpenet
    Posted May 27, 2008 at 11:11 pm | Permalink

    Barney is purple … yeeesh!

    Go for my swiss army knife … I’ll open it and you will be genuinely surprised.

    Do not be afraid.

    Be happy.

  35. Brian
    Posted May 28, 2008 at 10:36 am | Permalink

    I’ll open it on stage at the Michigan Theater and then put the contents into a time capsule within the Theater to by found by future generations of “film” lovers.

  36. Robert
    Posted May 29, 2008 at 4:10 pm | Permalink

    It’s probably a box load of cash and an order for five million Ypsi-Panties, and Mark’s waiting around blogging about the fucking thing.

  37. Steve Swan
    Posted May 30, 2008 at 5:01 pm | Permalink

    Still not open?

    Have you thought to call Geraldo?

  38. Posted June 11, 2008 at 10:56 pm | Permalink

    Did you open it yet, mark???

  39. mark
    Posted June 12, 2008 at 7:49 am | Permalink

    I’m still thinking about it… At present, I’m convinced that it contains 500 issues of Highlights magazine.

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