pimp oil

Every morning, before I eat my cereal, I take a teaspoon of cod liver oil and a tablespoon of hemp oil. Don’t ask me why. I just do it. Anyway, Clementine likes to watch me. Apparently I make funny faces and sounds as I choke the foul-tasting stuff down. So, this morning, as we’re walking out the door to take her to school, I hear Clementine say – I guess to one of her imaginary siblings – “daddy takes pimp oil.”

She didn’t say it again the whole way to school, but I just know, at some point during the day, she turned to her teacher and confided in her that I’m constantly swigin’ off a bottle of pimp juice.

Now, I have to decide whether or not I go into her classroom tomorrow and say to Ms. Christie, “Clementine didn’t happen to tell you that I drink pimp oil, did she?”

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  1. Posted May 21, 2008 at 8:31 am | Permalink

    Why do you do it?

  2. Paw
    Posted May 21, 2008 at 8:52 am | Permalink

    I find if I don’t oil my pimp it gets dry and chapped.

  3. Brackache
    Posted May 21, 2008 at 10:56 am | Permalink

    You seem pretty sure that she was talking about the cod liver oil and hemp oil. I’m just sayin’, she might be more politically astute than you realize.

  4. Bob Douglas
    Posted May 21, 2008 at 12:05 pm | Permalink

    If I don’t juice my cod it gets soft and bloated.

  5. Sarah
    Posted May 21, 2008 at 3:39 pm | Permalink

    Pimp Juice is a popular brand of hair relaxer.

  6. mark
    Posted May 21, 2008 at 10:42 pm | Permalink

    Now that I think about it, it’s really not all that much better if her teachers think I take hemp oil. It sounds just as suspicious… Maybe I should take the bottle in with me and show them.

  7. mark
    Posted May 21, 2008 at 10:44 pm | Permalink

    I think it would be great to have a TV infomercial for Maynard’s Pimp Oil. I’m picturing a lot of regular men and women praising it, talking about how dry and chapped their pimps were before, and how moist and supple they are now.

  8. Robert
    Posted May 22, 2008 at 3:45 pm | Permalink

    How many pimps have to be squeezed to produce one pint of the oil?

  9. mark
    Posted May 23, 2008 at 8:40 pm | Permalink

    You just squeeze their heads, and they make a pint each.

    It was weird. I was at the Brewery last night, standing by the bar, and some people at a table next to me made a comment about pimp oil. I can’t remember what it was exactly. Maybe they said, “Hey buddy, you got any pimp oil?” I tried really hard to think of something clever to say, but couldn’t. I just said, “No.” I’m sure I looked like a jerk… Sorry.

    Oh, I did kind of redeem myself a few minutes later when I asked them if they knew what the people at the table next to them were working on. I didn’t recognize any of them, and they were looking at maps. They agreed with me that they could be terrorists.

  10. Каталог статей
    Posted February 2, 2010 at 3:19 pm | Permalink

    What an excellent phrase! I will use it in the Ukraine.

  11. Demitri
    Posted March 17, 2010 at 7:49 am | Permalink

    I come to this site and find no answers for what I should do with my dry pimp. He is dry like sandpaper.

  12. Slim
    Posted March 17, 2010 at 9:23 am | Permalink

    I use activator on my pimps, and I’ve been pleased with the results.


  13. pimp master euronisus
    Posted March 21, 2010 at 11:37 am | Permalink

    I conducted a test recently in which used top-shelf rose oil on half of my pimps, and Walmart lindseed oil on the other half. I was expecting to see a noticeable difference, but I didn’t. It was amazing. They were all equally supple.

  14. biomed talk
    Posted March 28, 2010 at 11:34 am | Permalink

    The Greeks and Romans used olive oil on their pimps for centuries, and if it’s good enough for them, it’s good enough for me.

  15. Est
    Posted March 31, 2010 at 3:20 pm | Permalink

    Shit, I’ve gone and made my pimp too oily. Any idea as to how I reverse it?

  16. kikus
    Posted July 1, 2010 at 9:13 am | Permalink

    I go a step further and actually have my pimps lubed.

  17. Gaven S Swera
    Posted August 2, 2010 at 3:49 pm | Permalink

    It sounds like you all have dry and brittle pimps. Am I the only one who has a pimp that he’d like to have significantly less oily?

  18. Arvid
    Posted August 3, 2010 at 6:13 am | Permalink

    Does anyone in the audience exfoliate their pimps? If so, if you don’t mind my asking, what kinds of products to you use?

  19. Tameia Blozser
    Posted September 7, 2010 at 10:52 pm | Permalink

    I seem to have over oiled my pimp to the point where I can not catch him. I’ve tried throwing sand on him, thinking that it might help me to grip him, but it doesn’t seem to help. My next step is to try a fishing net.

  20. Papa Foot
    Posted December 6, 2010 at 11:29 am | Permalink

    I coat mine in SlimFast with a paint brush.

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