ypsilanti, the chicken slaughter capital of washtenaw county

Last night, during an Ypsi 2020 meeting, someone mentioned that Ann Arbor was considering a local ordinance that would allow chickens to be kept downtown. Apparently there’s one caveat, though. It seems that the City fathers want to forbid the slaughter of chickens in Ann Arbor. And, if it passes, I’m thinking that this could be a huge opportunity for Ypsilanti.

I’m envisioning several “Ypsilanti Kill Centers” along the border with Ann Arbor. Either we can do it for them, if they don’t have the stomach for it, or we could have do-it-yourself slaughter booths with little diagrams showing how to humanely dispatch your feathered friend. I don’t want to get too far ahead of myself, but I think it also might be possible to create a system that would allow an Ann Arborite to kill their chicken from the comfort of their car. It would be kind of like the drive-thru lanes at the bank. People could just hang their chickens out of the window, and we could have a machine pop off the head and suck out the blood (of the chicken, not the Ann Arborite). The pneumatic tube technology already exists. I tell you, we could be sitting on a gold mine! The Huron could run red and green with blood and money?

OK, that’s enough Ypsi brainstorming for the evening. Now it’s time to kick back and watch cheerleaders fight.

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20 Comments

  1. Posted April 8, 2008 at 9:22 pm | Permalink

    The referenced article didn’t say that the ordinance was exclusively against the slaughter of chickens raised in Ann Arbor. If the article is accurate, it would prohibit the slaughter of chickens within Ann Arbor, regardless of where they were raised.

    Although I’m generally against slave labor, maybe the violent energies of teenage girls could be channeled into chicken slaughter. The girls would get their needs met. The chickens would get slaughtered. Ypsilanti would prosper.

  2. egpenet
    Posted April 8, 2008 at 9:53 pm | Permalink

    Here again I follow JOF …

    What a great use for the Smith Building! A Perdu slaughter house! I, myself, have had the great pleasure of hacking a few chicken heads when I lived in Kansas. (There are more humane and sanitary ways then what I witnessed.) But I think local jobs could be created right in downtown Ypsilanti by turning that Smith building into a poultry slaugnhter palace. Think of the little plucked critter carcasses hanging in all those big open windows … raw chickens … all varieties of smoked chickens … and other birds, too … maybe even varmints, like muskrats, possums and racoons … all delictibles (according to me AND other famous rock personalities). I have been to Chinatowns in various cities (SF, NYC, Toronto) … this could be a huge draw to Ypsilanti! Wow! What a great idea!

  3. Brackache
    Posted April 8, 2008 at 10:09 pm | Permalink

    Nah. They’d leave us to do all their dirty work and only let us eat the parts you can’t even make Twinkie filling with. While they dine on guilt free urban chickens in their mansions and castles, we’ll be sucking on leftover chicken beaks and toenails while covered in chicken blood, feathers, and peck marks.

  4. Posted April 8, 2008 at 10:42 pm | Permalink

    When I was raised in this hollow up here, my daddy had 80 or 90 chickens and when my daddy and mother went into town to get groceries, me and my brother would catch them chickens and wring their necks off and put ’em in the ground, you know, where them hound dogs couldn’t find them, then we’d dig them up later and eat ’em. That’s where I started from, way back. It’s just ’cause I was raised up around chickens since I was little and I’d watch the way they’d walk, they way they do and I got to thinkin’, “Well, well, I could make a song about this!” It was easy to for me to make rock n’ roll.

    But gettin’ to what I guess you’re saying, if the town of Ypsilanti wants to have another rocker like me or Iggy Pop, you best start wringing those Ann Arbor chicken necks. I hear that town is full of chicken neck and not one thicker’ than a lead pencil. Just grab ’em by the throat and swing ’em round a couple times. A few times more for the runts to save on chasing ’em down. Same as for most anything. If you wring ’em right, the little ones fry up best of any.

  5. egpenet
    Posted April 8, 2008 at 10:46 pm | Permalink

    Aha, ha, ha … lol … wring’em dry and walk’em dance ’round the yard.

  6. Gonzo Greaseburns
    Posted April 8, 2008 at 11:43 pm | Permalink

    Hasil, if you think anyone would pay $12 for a mere 15 songs by some yocal nobody no one ever heard of, then I’ve got a fried-chicken delivery service to sell you.

  7. Ty "Sonny" Sanders
    Posted April 8, 2008 at 11:48 pm | Permalink

    Brackache,

    As the sole, illegitimate heir to several chicken-dependent conglomerates, I have insider information that I only dare share here.

    The poultry industry is in the midst of a universal crisis as chickens are exhibiting a massive evolutionary leap for survival. Billions of newly hatched eggs are born with nothing but beak and feet … the parts least desirable to their current predator. No breast, legs, wings or even greasy thighs. Nothing but pecker and nails. Currently, 87 percent of newly hatched chickens are discarded because they are nothing but beak or nail. We anticipate this number will grow. Once it reaches 95 percent “waste” it will no longer be economically feasible to produce enough chicken “meat” to satisfy mass appetites. Which is why we are prepared to unfold a massive marketing project that will transform nuzzle and knuckle from “waste” into “want.”

    If Ypsilanti hopes to remain the “Per Capita Fried Chicken Capital of the World” (Klucks, Chick Inn, Haab’s [oooh, that chicken in the basket] shall I go on?) you had best beat the trend and adjust the collective taste from “moist and tender” to “crunchy and crisp from start to finish.”

    I don’t want to give away too much proprietary information, but my investors and I have patents pending on several oil and batter infusion projects incorporating beak and bone infiltration technologies that will do for poultry penetration what Pringles did for potatoes. Once our “I crave the crunch” campaign is unveiled, what you call “leftovers” will be worth their weight in finger-licking-gold.

  8. Brackache
    Posted April 8, 2008 at 11:54 pm | Permalink

    I had chickens growing up. Our dogs always found their way into the chicken coup and slaughtered all the chickens themselves. The red and white carnage was a grisley sight for a 6-year old, and those dogs acted like the same happy pals that licked our faces when we came home from school. MURDERERS WITH NO CONSCIENCES!!! Except they left one alive for some reason. She pooped purple berry leftovers everywhere, because she got to wander around wherever she wanted. I guess she must have been a bad ass, but she was so low key about it that you couldn’t tell. I found out that day what it meant to be “cool.”

  9. Chester
    Posted April 8, 2008 at 11:58 pm | Permalink

    Ty — you mean like Chickenrinds? Mmm!

  10. Hasil Adkins
    Posted April 9, 2008 at 12:50 am | Permalink

    GG. If you don’t know me it’s only cause you still got your head further up your momma’s ass than I did. I would’ve pulled mine out sooner if I’d known it’d make a little shit like you.

    That ain’t you up there. It’s me.

  11. Posted April 9, 2008 at 1:20 am | Permalink

    Cheerleaders don’t know how to punch very well.

  12. Paw
    Posted April 9, 2008 at 8:07 am | Permalink

    According to the article, they won’t allow roosters in Ann Arbor either.

    So, how’s this for marketing campaign:
    “Ypsilanti for Cocks and Slaughter”

  13. Chester
    Posted April 9, 2008 at 10:09 am | Permalink

    We’ll hold the keys to Ann Arbor chicken population control. If they piss us off, maybe we’ll refuse to kill their chickens ’till they’re overrun and come crying to us for help; or if they really piss us off, we’ll refuse to let our roosters mate with their chickens, and as they watch their aged fowl population slowly die off leaving no posterity, maybe they’ll stop at the damn crosswalks for the don’t walk signal in their dispair of a dark chickenless future.

  14. Chickenfried Asswhoopin'
    Posted April 9, 2008 at 10:22 am | Permalink

    If this cheerleader-punching incident isn’t proof positive that 16 year old girls should be allowed to carry submachineguns on their persons for self-defense, then I don’t know what is. Anyone who disagrees with me obviously thinks ganging up on and assaulting teenage girls is cool. Monsters. How else could she have defended herself, besides ninja training?

  15. Tampoto
    Posted April 9, 2008 at 10:25 am | Permalink

    “Suds, Studs and Slaughter”

    No, it’s not a pricey law firm. It’s my idea for a bar on the A2 border where patrons, while having a beer, could have their female chickens fucked by roosters or slaughtered. I’m looking for investors.

  16. Efram Turnip Shirt
    Posted April 9, 2008 at 10:27 am | Permalink

    I love you, Hasil.

    Sorry to hear about you dying.

  17. Dirtgrain
    Posted April 9, 2008 at 12:49 pm | Permalink

    Man, that would suck if you had to do time for killing a chicken. I don’t suppose you’d have much cred in the big house for that.

    Noboby has touched “choking” jokes. That really says something about this blog’s community. Word.

  18. Hasil Adkins
    Posted April 9, 2008 at 9:40 pm | Permalink

    Efram, Thank you for the kind words. I can tell you being dead ain’t so much different than being alive. Everybody here loves my music and everybody dead who loves my music is here. I put on one hellavuh show on opening night. Lotta folk waitin’ for me.

    I do miss chicken. There ain’t no chickens here but there’s lots of fried food and it all tastes like chicken so I can’t complain much.

    Look forward to meetin’ you real soon. They tell me you’ll be joining us in the next month or two. Do me a favor and pour a forty on my grave before you come. A couple if you got the time. I got something frying up real nice to thank you for it when you get here.

    Oh. And we got free wireless now. As it would have it we’re picking up on it from where you live, us being so close to you. Tell that fella who did it thanks too and I got something tastes specially like chicken waitin’ for ‘im so he can come on over any time.

  19. Ol' E Cross
    Posted April 9, 2008 at 10:46 pm | Permalink

    I love fried chicken. It’s bred into me. The closest I’ve ever come to entrepreneurial vision was discussing with a good friend how to convert an ice cream truck into a fried chicken truck to roam our streets at dusk with the sweet siren smell of sloshing hot grease and crisp meat crackling on the bone.

    I hate the idea of killing all that potential and sending it back to A2 to be grilled as a gentle topping for couscous accompanied by lemoned white asparagus.

    I like the “cocks and slaughter” concept, but I think our city council should first pass an ordinance mandating that any chicken slaughtered in Ypsilanti must be deep fried and digested in Ypsilanti. We certainly have the built in capacity to cook and eat whatever they can raise.

  20. J.W.
    Posted April 10, 2008 at 9:15 am | Permalink

    Hasil. Sounds like Heaven to me.

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