198-pound weakling

I was 156 pounds for a lot of years. It was a constant. Now, not so much. Yesterday, at the gym, I decided to get on the scale. As I stood their out-of-breath from the step up, the numbers flew by. They came to a stop at 198. I don’t care that much about weight, or at least I’ve always told myself that, but, for some reason, I don’t like the idea of crossing the 200-pound threshold. I think I’ve crossed it once before, when I was living in LA, working 14-hour days, and spending my free time eating with Jeff Kay, but it was pretty short-lived. Unlike Heath Ledger, I knew when to get out. Linette and I came back to Michigan, where I shrunk back down to just being husky, which is relatively thin in Michigan. But now, I’m just teetering on the edge of 200. One more meal at the Old Country Buffet would send me over. I’m thinking about doing it on Monday, when I turn 40. If I plan it just right, I can cross over right at 3:09 PM, the exact minute I enter my 40’s… I wasn’t going to mention the fact that I’m turning 40, or the fact that I’m a few peanut butter and bacon sandwiches shy of 200-pounds, but then I figured, what the fuck…

Oh, and I’ve got another big announcement too. Remember how Genesis P-Orridge and Lady Jaye Breyer P-Orridge were trying to become one another through surgery? Well, I’ve got something like that going on with Designing Women star Delta Burke. As I grow larger, and more feminine, she’s growing more depressed and obsessive. If you don’t believe me, just listen to this… Soon we’ll be as one.

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11 Comments

  1. Ol' E Cross
    Posted February 7, 2008 at 12:24 am | Permalink

    Cherish these moments, Mark. Despite my best efforts and rapidly declining physique my daughter still refuses to fall asleep on my burgeoning belly because mommy remains “softer.”

    Really, what more could a man hope for than to become a comforting cradle, a warm, waterbed of flesh for his child?

    I can only hope that by 40, I can reach that safe, soft, selfless plain that you have so serendipitously attained.

  2. Posted February 7, 2008 at 7:43 am | Permalink

    Happy birthday! And no worries – 40 is the new 30, and 200 is the new 150.

  3. Paw
    Posted February 7, 2008 at 8:44 am | Permalink

    I turn 60 on February 11, and I’m within a ham sandwich of 300 pounds. If you want, we can hold hands and go over the cliff together like Thelma and Louise.

  4. President of the Delta Burke fanclub
    Posted February 7, 2008 at 10:55 am | Permalink

    If you are in touch with Ms. Burke, could you please tell her that she’s in our prayers?

  5. Chelsea
    Posted February 7, 2008 at 1:43 pm | Permalink

    Ya know, the gym scale might not be the most accurate. They want customers.

    Happy birthday, old man.

  6. mark
    Posted February 7, 2008 at 9:51 pm | Permalink

    The plan is that once Delta and I collide, we’ll switch places… We’re betting that no one will notice.

  7. mark
    Posted February 7, 2008 at 9:52 pm | Permalink

    She has a perverse sense of humor.

  8. Paw
    Posted February 8, 2008 at 8:27 am | Permalink

    Delta Burke is the new Cheryl Tiegs.

  9. Meta
    Posted February 8, 2008 at 2:53 pm | Permalink

    Thin Men R In:

    http://www.metafilter.com/68867/Fat-Ass

  10. Posted February 8, 2008 at 7:47 pm | Permalink

    Happy Birthday Mark and thank you for being one year older than I am. Now I know what t look forward too. And it’s not all bad. ;-)

  11. BinaryBob
    Posted February 12, 2008 at 10:25 am | Permalink

    Run, Logan, Run!

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