grow your own mark maynard

I generally disregard the comments, suggestions and requests of readers, but a young person wrote in a few days ago with a request that, for whatever reason, made an huge impact on me. She asked, “Mark, why are there so few opportunities for your readers to buy things from you? Can’t you please offer something other than the wonderful greeting cards you make with Linette, your brilliant zine, your well-made, sweatshop free t-shirts and those provocative yet playful Ypsipanties, the lovely, handcrafted paintings of severed unicorn heads, and those delightful Monkey Power Trio records? I don’t have long to live, so please do something quickly.

So, I’ve been racking my brain for days trying to come up with something more that you people — especially the sick kids out there – can purchase. Actually, I was thinking about it last night, as I was trimming my beard, and it occurred to me that maybe some of you, especially the young, would like to have an opportunity to bid on my salvaged facial hair. I say “especially the young” because I’m fairly certain that within their lifetimes we will see widespread human cloning. So, with all of that said, I am putting my beard, condensed into a small brown pill bottle, on Ebay… Let the bidding begin.

All I ask is that, if you win this auction, and if you follow through by cloning your own Mark Maynard from my beard, you treat him well, don’t sell him into slavery, don’t hold his lightening-quick acerbic wit against him, or deny him access to classic American television. And please pass along the information that you will receive with the beard trimmings on the occasion of his 15th birthday. (They will include the passwords necessary so that he can take over this blog.)

All proceeds from this auction will go to the SOS Food Pantry in Ypsilanti, Michigan.

[This message was brought to you by the the douchebags that keep employing Paul Wolfowitz, and the medicinal benefits of inhaled pig brain mist.]

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  1. Posted December 10, 2007 at 9:40 pm | Permalink

    um, I don’t know what to say.

  2. Furball
    Posted December 10, 2007 at 10:38 pm | Permalink

    Finally. Given the recent strides in cross-species genetic engineering, and the clump of fur I’ve saved from Mittens, this will give me the final piece needed to create the perfect pet.

  3. mark
    Posted December 10, 2007 at 10:51 pm | Permalink

    If it is my fate to be assimilated into a Furry, so be it.

  4. mark
    Posted December 10, 2007 at 10:59 pm | Permalink

    I just got the following question through Ebay:

    Is this the Mark Maynard from Milwaukee, Wisconsin? The Christian computer guy? Or is it the Mark Maynard who makes painted french furniture in the UK? (I just want to make sure I’m not getting a dud.)

  5. frenchfries
    Posted December 10, 2007 at 11:41 pm | Permalink

    I think to clone you we will need some DNA, and usually that is better found in the hair folicle. I’m not sure what we can do with the hair ends, but probably we can reconstitude some sort of gelatin. Could be tasty.

  6. mark
    Posted December 11, 2007 at 7:27 am | Permalink

    I keep forgetting that I actually have real scientists in the audience. (They ruin everything.)

    OK, so it’s really a Mark Maynard Tasty Gelatin kit.

  7. Anonymatt
    Posted December 11, 2007 at 9:10 am | Permalink

    Why don’t you sell it as a chance to do a drug test and find out what medication Mark’s on?

  8. merkin wearer
    Posted December 11, 2007 at 9:29 am | Permalink

    Who cares about cloning? This will make a lovely merkin!

  9. Tbor
    Posted December 11, 2007 at 9:42 am | Permalink

    How do we know we’d really be growing a Mark Maynard? What if he’s tricking us into growing a little Dick Cheney? That seems like something he’d do.

  10. Kurt
    Posted December 13, 2007 at 8:59 am | Permalink

    What happens if my Mark Maynard just sits in the basement and cries? Is there a refund policy?

  11. Tark
    Posted December 13, 2007 at 2:34 pm | Permalink

    Beware. Mark just wants them for their organs! The huffing of pig brain mist has turned his liver and other vital organs to humus.

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