sick day with back ache

One of the cats got locked in our bedroom the other day and pissed on the bed. The men from the crime scene cleaning place came out and took the mattress away to be boiled. Sadly, we know from experience that we can’t get the smell of cat piss out ourselves. We’ve tried in the past, and failed miserably. So, for the past several days, Linette and I have been sleeping on the Ikea fold-out couch. By last night, my back had officially had enough of the one inch-thick piece of foam and the seemingly random wooden slats that hold it up. I woke up at about 3:00 AM this morning unable to move. Coincidentally, I also woke up with a stomach bug that demanded I not only move, but move with great haste. As you can imagine, hilarity ensued… And, that’s how the rest of my day was spent — lying on the floor in pain, unable to move, until such time that my bowels could no longer contain the water and crackers that filled them, at which point I’d jump up with a scream and shuffle toward the bathroom like Frankentein’s monster engulfed in a thick, dark cloud of profanity.

The worst part is, I was supposed to work this afternoon with my friend Melissa on the Severed Unicorn Superstore. Today was supposed to have been the day we got all of the photos taken of us in the giant unicorn head. As funny as it would have been to get video of me, running to find bathrooms, and screaming in pain, while wearing the unicorn head, I just couldn’t find the motivation to open the door and leave my house. Please forgive me.

Oh, this is completely unrelated, but my friend Eric just sent me this image. He claims that it’s from an online clipart site, and that someone in his office found it while doing a search for hotdog images. If there’s worse clipart out there, I have never seen it. (I wish there were a way to see all the clipart by the same artist. I’d bet anything that this isn’t an isolated incident. I suspect he’s spent quite a bit of time exploring the penis/breast connection.)

OK, I’m going back to the floor now.

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  1. Deadhand Dan
    Posted November 18, 2007 at 11:10 pm | Permalink


  2. amused1
    Posted November 19, 2007 at 8:08 am | Permalink

    Years ago I read in a “how to clean everthing” book that unflavored meat tenderizer can be effective in breaking down pet urine. Not being a pet owner I can’t verify it, but it came from a good source. Anyone ever tried it?

  3. Robert
    Posted November 19, 2007 at 8:45 am | Permalink

    Sorry you aren’t feeling well, Mark. Focus on getting well. The severed unicorn heads aren’t going anywhere…mostly because they’re severed.

    Hey, I stopped in at the Corner Brewery for the first time the other day. It’s a great place, and it was interesting to finally see it after all I’ve heard about it on this site.

  4. Ol' E Cross
    Posted November 19, 2007 at 1:28 pm | Permalink

    I hear the latest model of the washlet includes high-powered water massage therapy jets. Just something a person with your condition should consider.

  5. edweird
    Posted November 19, 2007 at 7:02 pm | Permalink

    I’m with you in that bug department. Unfortunately, I stayed at work.

    On another note, if the cat is peeing in your bed, they’re trying to tell you something. It usually means they don’t like the status of their litter box. A good way to stop that is to add another box or clean the one(s) you have currently more frequently. I’ve taken to cleaning mine out everyday or every other day and I have no more problems.

  6. amused1
    Posted November 20, 2007 at 6:07 am | Permalink

    I have a feeling the cat was saying “Hey fool! Let meooowwwwww-t”

  7. Robert 2
    Posted November 20, 2007 at 9:19 am | Permalink

    When my back hurts like that, I sacrifice a cat.

  8. Karen
    Posted November 20, 2007 at 11:50 am | Permalink

    Now I bet you wish you’d kept those bedpans…

  9. Frank
    Posted November 27, 2007 at 8:44 am | Permalink

    Last time I tried to squeeze two wieners into my buns I woke up with a backache, too. Live and learn.

  10. Posted November 27, 2007 at 2:01 pm | Permalink

    My cat used to pee on everything I owned (until after four years I finally put her to sleep – yeah, it’s a euphemism, but so what), but thankfully, it never seeped into the mattress – the futons were another story, and yes, they never fully recovered. For sheets, blankets, other washables, I would febreze the hell out of the stain, then stain remover it, then put a cup of white vinegar in the washing machine with regular washing machine detergent. Did the trick every time.

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