hypocrisy watch: lame excuse edition

Let’s imagine for a moment that you’re a man who, for your entire adult life, has made a career of demonizing gays and pontificating on the critical importance of so-called “family values.” Let’s also imagine that you enjoy sucking on the occasional penis. Let’s then imagine that, while in the process of obtaining an anonymous cock to suck one afternoon, you’re busted by a cop. You only have a split second to think. What do you tell the arresting officer? You might think it doesn’t happen all that often, but it does, so you’d be wise to prepare. It’s happened at least three times in the past few months, and, in each case, the attempted cocksucker has responded in a less than ideal manner. Here are the excuses they’ve given.

I was only pretending to be gay. It’s part of my job.

I may have looked like I was tapping my foot beneath the wall of the stall in search of gay sex, but I just have a very wide stance.

I was surrounded by black people. I was terrified. The first thing to come to mind was to offer to suck one of their cocks.

And then, going back almost a year, who can forget, “He may have been a gay escort, but I only hired him for massages… and I threw that meth he sold me away“?

I have no problem whatsoever with men who enjoy gay sex. It doesn’t affect my life in the slightest. I do, however, despise the hypocrisy that seems to be running rampant on the right. It seems unfathomable to me that conservatives and fundamentalists, after all that we’ve seen, still buy what they’re being told from the pulpit and the podium. How many conservative ministers, I wonder, have to be found dead, trussed up inside of multiple wetsuits, with dildos in their asses before people begin to wake up to what’s going on.

As for excuses, if I were caught soliciting sex in a men’s restroom, I’d say that I was just trying to identify gays so that I could pray for them and/or place them under citizen’s arrest. Either that, or, if I were further along when caught, I’d say that I tripped when running away from what I thought was an unwholesome scene, and just happened to land unfortunately. Or, there’s always feigning amnesia… My favorite, however, would be the first. As I like to plan ahead, I might even have Linette help me by designing some pamphlets I could have in my pocket, just in case. They could say, “Hello, friend – It’s not your really your cock I crave, it’s your soul I want to save,” or something like that.

And, as for Larry “Wide Stance” Craig, I wonder if, for the rest of his life, whenever he’s in a public restroom, he’s going to have to slide down into an exaggerated wide stance just to prove to everyone that he was telling the truth. People should make it a point to follow him into bathrooms and comment on his stance.

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  1. Robert
    Posted October 17, 2007 at 1:37 pm | Permalink

    I’d probably go as far as first getting a job where my sole function was to pretend I’m gay. Then, when I am caught being gay, not only would I be able to claim that I was just doing my job, but I would be able to claim the overtime.

  2. Robert
    Posted October 17, 2007 at 2:46 pm | Permalink

    Did you hear? Bush just gave the order to withdraw 30,000 republican politicians from bathroom stalls across America.

  3. Ol' E Cross
    Posted October 17, 2007 at 10:09 pm | Permalink

    I know these hypocrisies are more salicious than most, but hypocrisy is hypocrisy whether it’s anti-gay gay sex, compasionate conservative cutting of child health care or environmentally sensitive congressmen putting up phony legislation, etc. One shouldn’t be more shocking than the next. Lot’s of folks, right and left, need to wake up (or at least roll over).

  4. Mr Theopolis
    Posted October 18, 2007 at 4:25 pm | Permalink

    As a straight Republican male who enjoys having anonymous man-sex with other straight Republican males I take great offense with the characterization of these men as gay. “Gay” is a lifestyle.

  5. Andy`
    Posted October 19, 2007 at 2:35 pm | Permalink

    The best excuse came from the Daily Show. “I’m a bulimic but hate sticking my fingers in my mouth…”

  6. mark
    Posted October 20, 2007 at 10:52 pm | Permalink

    O.E.C. is right, of course. He usually is.

    And, Andy wins… It pays to watch the Daily Show.

  7. Robert
    Posted October 23, 2007 at 1:49 pm | Permalink

    OEC and Mark, are we now equating what Senator Craig does privately as a bizarre psycho-perv with what Congressman Dingell does publicly as a calculating politician?

    I suspect OEC was just making the suggestion to get me riled up. He’s using MY tactic…uh, I mean MY OLD tactic. I’m trying a new thing now. It’s mister nice guy from here on out.

  8. Robert
    Posted October 23, 2007 at 2:30 pm | Permalink

    Next time a Republican politician claims to have a man-date, we’ll have to ask him to be more specific.

  9. Robert
    Posted August 15, 2008 at 2:30 pm | Permalink

    …and what was the deal with that audio of Craig’s denial. It sounded like it was recorded in 1941, like he was trying to do his own “a date which will live in infamy” speech.

  10. Robert
    Posted September 26, 2008 at 1:02 pm | Permalink

    Apparently, Senator Craig was just looking to do some “exit polling.”

    Whew! I can’t believe it took me almost a year to come up with that one. How the hell did an ‘exit polling’ line escape us all?

  11. Posted December 23, 2009 at 2:11 pm | Permalink

    Another high-ranking Republican caught doing the sort of creepy things so many high-ranking Republicans seem to so often do:


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