I got into a huge fight with some people at the Brewery tonight, after a Shadow Art Fair planning meeting, about the relative sizes of our heads. I started it by maintaining that my head was significantly smaller than my friend Molly’s. No one believed me. Words were exchanged. A string was brought out. Heads were measured.
It turns out that the circumference of my head is exactly the same as the circumference of Molly’s. I maintain, however, that this one particular measurement doesn’t tell the whole story. (Molly has a fleshy bit at the back of her head that isn’t captured in the standard circumference measurement, which is taken at the temple.) I’ve challenged Molly to a real test, administered by a scientist, in which both of our heads are submerged into a tank of water and the displaced water is measured…. I have never been more certain of anything in my entire life. I just know that my head is smaller, volume-wise, than Molly’s. (It’s going to be a central tenet of my religion.)
And, I should point out, in the context of our conversation, having a small head was not a desirable attribute. It’s not like I was bragging about the size of my small head the way someone might brag about, say, the size of their small, overly-aerobicized ass. This whole thing came about after a conversation in which I quoted Merv Griffin as saying that only people with very large, fleshy heads could become famous. Big heads, you see, at least in the context of this conversation, were good… I only wish that my head could be as freakishly large and lovely as my friend Molly’s.
The fellow in the picture is our friend Tim. I know the shot is kind of dark, but, if you look closely, you can see that he’s getting his head measured. It was also his string that we used. Tim’s the only person I know who carries string. He, as someone pointed out, would totally kick ass on “Let’s Make a Deal.”
And, it’s not really relevant to this conversation, but Molly’s dad is absolutely terrified of giraffes. He carries an extra shoe in his pocket just in case he has to fight one off.
18 Comments
This image looks like the digital equivalent of the Shroud of Turin. I’m not sure what that says about your friend Tim.
Has anyone else here seen Jeffrey Feiger’s head in person? It’s amazing! It’s huge! I mean it’s Ripley’s Believe it or not HUGE! I swear to you it is 4 or 5 times the size of a normal human head.
Seriously, check it out. He never lets anyone show his head next to a normal size one. Do a google search. You’ll never find a picture where you can compare.
I saw him give a speech once and I couldn’t concentrate on what he was saying at all. I was so distracted by the incredible size of his head. He looked like one of those paper mache things walking around at Mardi Gras.
When and where is the head-off? Oops, poor choice of words.
Did head density enter into the debate at all?
You do know what they say about a man with a small head, don’t you?
This is why I read your blog – you just never know what the topic will be. Ypsi politics, Michigan politics, Shadow Art Fair, ball shaving, head size, the list goes on and on.
It is interesting that you can have both a pin head AND a swelled head, Mark.
I’ve only seen celebrities in parades, but there heads always look ginormous to me.
I was going to say that your head only looks small in comparison to the rest of you. Actually, what I was going to say was that your head was like an acorn balanced on an elephant’s ass. Then I read Ubu’s comment and realized that, like him, I’d just come across as a jealous little prick.
OEC, is that Magnum PI or the Burt Reynolds character (Nick McKenna) from Cop And A Half?
I know a guy who says he hates his head, but not because it is too big, but because his face occupies only the bottom third of it.
Cleo Love, Of course, that would be Detroit homeboy Magnum P. For Ypsi lovers, Elijah McCoy also flaunts his giant cranium annually before diving into a well-greased turkey dinner. I’ve got some (I presume) great shots of him resting his massive, burden of skull against a pre-parade-route lamppost but I still haven’t got the film developed.
If Mark perseveres, he too may be immortalized in the pagant of paper mache and receive the honorary bloated noggin’ he craves.
I would wear it and march with pride.
If he would part with it, I’d also march wearing his current cap but I’m afraid it would titter like a tiny tiara on top of my overdrawn dome.
Maybe chin straps would help keep it stable…
Winner of the big head contest? Placido Polanco.
You gotta love Tom Selleck for wearing that Tigers Cap as much as he does. Way to represent!
Now that Bo passed away, Tom Selleck is my favorite Republican. Why can’t the Michigan Republican Party ever get one of those guys to run for governor? Oh well, I’m guessing their heads are probably too normal.
Tim actually carries string just for moments like that. He is incredibly proud of his big head (I know without you telling me, it was the biggest, right?) and his small wrists (Did he make you neasure wrists, too?)
In the 19th century, anthropologists measured the “cranial capacity” of the different races of humanity by…filling in the empty skulls with steel pellets, and seeing which held the most. They repeatedly proved that the white race had the greatest cranial capacity.
Your head measuring activities sound a lot more interesting, Mark.
I never took you for a white supremist, Higby.
(People out there should know that, among other things, our friend the professor teaches African American history…. He’s also quoted in the “Ann Arbor News” today, but we won’t get into that in this thread.)
I wish my circle of friends had met Tim a long time ago. Using string didn’t occur to us. We’ve been fighting over which rule to use in our attempts to determine the circumference of each other’s heads. those of us that are fundamentalists believe it is God’s word that circumference is simply diameter multiplied by 3. The infidels in our group keep trying to poison our minds with that satanic “pi.” It’s caused a serious rift in our drinking club. And that’s not the worst of it. You can just imagine how we fundamentalists have been measuring the diameter of people’s heads. God created string, so I figure that will be ok to use from here on out. Boy…the suffering it could have saved so many.