Linette and I are working on the new issue of Crimewave, and I’m thinking about putting in an ad for MM.com. Right now, I’m thinking of pitching it as a kind of self-help site. So, in that spirit, I’d like to ask those of you who are willing to jot down and submit a testimonial. (Leaving them in the comments section would be fine.) So, has MM.com changed your life for the better? Has reading it, for instance, ever kept you from going to a meeting in which everyone was killed? Or, did you ever have a great sexual encounter with someone you met in the comments section here? I’d appreciate it if you’d let me know.
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It’s been 20 minutes and no one has written in to say that I changed their life with this site… Is it possible, I wonder, that no one is better off because of MM.com?
Regular visits to MarkMaynard.com have caused me to be proud of my Ypsilanti heritage. No longer do I hang my head in shame when I tell people I graduated from Ypsilanti High School. When people laugh at the water tower, I tell them to go to MarkMaynard.com and see if they are still laughing. Usually they are.
Sorry, Mark, I was busy! (I know you assume we MM.com readers have no lives to speak of, but that may not be entirely true.)
MM.com actually *has changed my life; it really has. If you can find that email or comment I wrote for your parents, you’re welcome to use it.
Dearest Mark,
Your site was there to lift me up at a time when I felt as if no one understood me. It was there during that moment when I wanted to look back and see two sets of footprints and yet saw only one–only to realize that it was then MarkMaynard.com had carried me through, over, and around the lows. Indeed countless are the many times I felt stained with the shame and humiliation of not knowing how to talk about scrotal exfoliation, and yet your site was there. Indeed the long winter weeks when I’ve needed somewhere to turn to know that there is camaraderie, that there are groups upon whose bosoms I can suckle to nurture my belief that undead Nickolai (pl.) walk the earth. A mighty Google so many times leads me unto you. (Or at least leads me unto you secondly.) When it’s scat on the rooftop (click click click), your site is there in a pinch. When it’s Ypsiponymous underwear: mm.com. And oh how many’s the night I’ve taken solace in my innumerable social improprieties and unfortunate obsessions by carrying on conversations with mm.com, either online or in my head. Landfills full of fingernails (only); Olympic-sized swimming pools jizzed to the brim; a search for a woman’s hair-lined pouch or Don Knotts’ lost pussy. And although I can’t claim that you led me unto the definition of goatse, it is only through your continued return to the split fists of pull-apart ring-fingered fury that certain images will remain with me until the day I die.
Yes, Mark, MarkMaynard.com has changed my life. For the better? Oh hell yes.
I just got an email.
Here’s what it said.
“My balls were an absolute mess before a concerned friend pointed me toward Mark Maynard dotcom. Now, the thickets of nasty hair are gone, and they’re so shiny I can see my reflection in them. And, best of all, I’m no longer too embarrassed to leave my home.”
It’s good to know that no matter how bad I think life is, I can always turn to markmaynard.com and find out it’s actually much worse.
This site has given me the courage to stand up for what I believe in, and to fight for it unashamedly. It has made me a better American, a more forceful advocate for civil liberties, and a more militant ball shaver.
Despite being a regular MM.com reader (and occasional commenter) I have never shaved my balls. I do have an increased fondness for Columbo, though. MM.com it’s for you whether you’re a ball shaver OR a Columbo fan! (If you want to use my old testimonial to your parents, please feel free as well…)
Oh yeah, and MM.com keeps me scared of the robo-creationists like no other site.
I used to be a 90 pound weakling until I discovered MM.com. Now I get all the girls by using my impressive knowledge of pterodactyl-human sex. Thanks MM!
Damn, you guys beat me to the ball shaving jokes.
If anything happens to Mark Maynard, I will die. That is not an exaggeration. I pray every night that, if he is horribly injured, say if he falls into a box crushing machine, his head is protected to the extent that it can somehow keep blogging. There is nothing else that I pray for – just that his brain will be able to sit healthy in a tank, connected to a laptop. Even if it just blogs about the temperature of the liquid in the tank, I will be happy.
At first I misread your second sentence as “Right now, I’m thinking of pitching it as a kind of self-hate site.” After I read it correctly I decided I didn’t have a testimonial.
Mark, as a disembodied brain in a tank, would you rather blog or pilot a spaceship?
“tank, warm… hope not janitor urine… again”
And, for all you newcomers, lest you be confused, I do – on rare occasion – write about the practice of ball shaving. However, the position I take on the subject is unquestionably anti smooth sack. That’s a little point that seems to get lost here on occasion.
Now, back to the testimonials.
(And I love the idea of pitching is as a self-hatred site, Matt. It’s actually not far from the mark… No one with high self-esteem would do something like this.)
[hint: If you need help, use the Testimonial Generator.]