an e.m.u. ambassador of good will?

Is there even a remote possibility that this story from today’s “Michigan Daily” could be true? It has to be an early April Fool’s column, right?

Here’s the story:

Police have been unable to locate a woman who entered the Pi Kappa Alpha fraternity house without permission on Thursday and began to masturbate on a couch.

While fraternity members were eating in the dining room, a woman entered the house’s living room, took off her clothes and started masturbating, said LSA junior Dan Nye, the president of the Washtenaw Avenue fraternity.

No one saw the woman enter the house or knew how she got in. Nye said she could have entered through the front door, which was left propped open while it was being repaired.

Fraternity members asked the woman to leave the house, but she refused and continued masturbating for about half an hour, Nye said.

When members asked the woman if she was all right, she casually replied that she was fine, he said. The woman was talking on her cell phone at one point, said LSA sophomore Adam Bayard, a member of the fraternity.

She walked out of the front door wearing only a thigh-length black coat after a fraternity member called the police, Nye said. When police arrived minutes later, the woman had already left.

According to a police report, the woman was between 20 and 30 years old, had short brown hair and appeared to be under the influence of drugs.

“Obviously, she was very disturbed,” Nye said. “It was not how a normal person would respond to people.”

The woman told fraternity members that her name was Melissa and she was a student at Eastern Michigan University, according to the police report.

Fraternity members said they will throw out two couches in the living room because of the incident, Nye said.

Police said the break-in appeared to be an isolated incident.

My favorite part was reading the comments left by “Daily” readers. Most people, it seems, think she came there to either engage the entire frat in sex, or lure them into a situation where they could be accused of rape, “like what happened at Duke.” Someone said she was probably “a feminist.” Quite a few people took the opportunity to call the men of the frat gay. And, most of the people that think the story is fake don’t think that because of what the woman did, but because the guys said that they were getting rid of the couches. Most also thought that she was probably ugly.

I’m looking at a photo of the frat brothers now and I’m finding it hard to imagine that they, as a group, would drive anyone to frenzied masturbation. So, if I had to bet, I’d say I’m 95% sure it’s mental illness. Part of me (5% apparently) is holding out hope, however, that it’s someone’s terrible idea of performance art… Or, I wonder if they’ve just been Punk’d… Nothing surprises me these days.

[Thanks to Kevin for sending the link.]

And how cool was it that she was talking on a cell phone through most of it? That was my favorite detail… If I had more time, I’d call the frat and ask them what she was talking about.

And, I don’t want to be an alarmist, but maybe it’s the couches. Has anyone thought of that? Maybe Ann Arbor City Council was right when they set out to ban them a few years ago. Maybe couches are inherently evil.

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11 Comments

  1. mark
    Posted March 28, 2007 at 10:49 pm | Permalink

    It’s a good thing they got her off the couch quickly. The story could have had a much darker ending.

  2. ol' e cross
    Posted March 28, 2007 at 11:11 pm | Permalink

    If it does turn out to be performance art, somebody please let me in on the next act.

    The more I think about it, the more I’m sure that the ultimate, cosmic purpose for this blog is that MM organizes the entire City of Ypsilanti into one giant performance art/ mental illness (tomaytoe/tomahtoh) jack-off in Ann Arbor.

    Just think of all the free couches we can haul home at the end of the day.

  3. dr. teddy glass
    Posted March 29, 2007 at 8:41 am | Permalink

    Why is it the EMU students that murder stay here, but the ones who do stuff like this feel it necessary to go to Ann Arbor?

  4. actualwolf
    Posted March 29, 2007 at 10:07 am | Permalink

    They’re getting rid of coucheS, plural?

    Exactly how busy did this woman get?

  5. Anonymous
    Posted March 29, 2007 at 12:02 pm | Permalink

    Hmmm. One of my female classmates at UM in the early 90’s masturbated regularly (and quite vigorously) during physics lectures and at study sessions afterwards. I credited my stunning good looks and manly presence as I sat next to her.

    Maybe there is something in the water there in Ann Arbor.

  6. UBU
    Posted March 29, 2007 at 1:10 pm | Permalink

    Is this was inspired you to do the same in my store last night, Mark? I’d throw out the couch but the stains have formed a picturee of Don Knotts.

  7. mark
    Posted March 29, 2007 at 9:15 pm | Permalink

    I just got a letter from a guy named Nick, directing me to her photo.

  8. Cousins Vinyl
    Posted March 29, 2007 at 9:48 pm | Permalink

    Yikes! What is up with EMU lately? Is it officially the seediest college in the country? There’s been a murder, a suicide, assualts, thefts, all in the past few months. And now a mysterious masterbating woman. And that’s just on campus – we’re not counting how seedy the area is between campus and downtown. I keep getting these safety email warnings from school officials…I really want to say I’m a proud graduate, but lately I don’t know. It’s sort of amusing, but honestly I’m getting fed up of all this negative publicity. Especially because Eastern’s hurting for money as it is – this certainly can’t help future enrollment.

  9. mark
    Posted March 30, 2007 at 7:35 am | Permalink

    Do you realize, Taint, that you’ve been talking about “that girl from physics class” consistently for 17 years now?

  10. Paw
    Posted October 8, 2008 at 12:44 pm | Permalink

    This is still my favorite photo.

    And I miss you, Teddy.

  11. Stella
    Posted October 9, 2008 at 8:35 am | Permalink

    OK, you’re scaring me now. A few weeks ago when I was crying about missing Teddy Glass, I thought he had just gotten bored and wandered away. When Mark spoke of him in past tense I thought it was just in that context. I now have a feeling of dread… Can someone tell me what I’ve apparently missed on this front?

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