ted haggard: certified “not gay”

Exciting news for men everywhere. Apparently you can suck cock and still be “completely heterosexual.” Here’s a clip from today’s “New York Times“:

…One of four ministers who oversaw three weeks of intensive counseling for the Rev. Ted Haggard said the disgraced minister emerged convinced that he is ”completely heterosexual”…

”He is completely heterosexual,” Ralph said. ”That is something he discovered. It was the acting-out situations where things took place. It wasn’t a constant thing”…

Got that? COMPLETELY heterosexual.

I wonder how they tested old Reverend Ted.

I’m imaging a scene like that one in “History of the World Part 1” where Gregory Hines outs himself as a non-eunuch. I can just imagine Ted standing there, being subjected to the seductive dances of young male prostitutes as these men charged with assuring that he’s not even a teensy weensy bit gay stay focused on the large white feather in his lap, trying to discern even the slightest tremble.

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6 Comments

  1. It's Skinner Again
    Posted February 7, 2007 at 11:49 pm | Permalink

    Each minister put on his slinkiest blazer, sprayed himself with his spiciest cologne, and went after ted. But it didn’t work, because he’s completely heterosexual.

    As a reward, ted got to see some pterodactyl movies.

  2. yogendra2
    Posted February 8, 2007 at 12:04 am | Permalink

    If Ted Haggard is heterosexual, I AM FUCKING FRANK SINATRA! However i wish it were true because looney right wing neanderthals like this set gay freedom back to the Paleolithic era. It’s a real pity that these gay assholes in any way can represent me or any of the other gay people who live meaningful, productive lives with our families and kids. TOO BAD, TIM. JUST COME OUT AND GET WELL, BIG BOY; IF I CAN DO IT ANYBODY CAN DO IT. THERE’S ALWAYS SAN FRANCISCO; EVEN STRAIGHT PEOPLE COME OUT AS GAY THERE. yogi, tucson

  3. t.d. glass
    Posted February 8, 2007 at 8:59 am | Permalink

    So it seems the problem isn’t so much having gay sex – as it is acting like someone who has gay sex. As long as you keep up the appearance of being straight, you can plow anyone you like.

  4. Anonymous
    Posted February 8, 2007 at 3:33 pm | Permalink

    That is perfect photo for this post

    Well done Maynard!

  5. mark
    Posted February 8, 2007 at 8:31 pm | Permalink

    I don’t know that it really fits in this thread, but our recording of Judy Garland’s live 1961 appearance at Carnegie Hall hasn’t left the CD player of my car in over two months… And I know that I’m straighter than Reverend Ted.

    And thank you, Taint, for your comment. It’s nice to know that people – at at least taints – appreciate what it is that I do here.

  6. Aboriginal
    Posted May 12, 2007 at 8:43 am | Permalink

    From a Christian perspective, Ted sees his “condition” as strictly a “spiritual” one. The flesh wars against the Spirit for control of the mind.

    Bible verse: …Ephesians 6:12
    6:12 For we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places.

    See that the verse talks about unseen evil spiritual powers and rulers. This is what Ted believes yet he gave into it because the christian walk is not a cop out, its a challenge to be stronger in other areas.

    Now the gay movement clearly believes in everything they have fought for over the years. I personally think Ted believes that his marriage and his faith are worth saving.

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